Got my first ever death threat today. It was a part of the tense, hatred-laden backlash after my recent Facebook research. The letter was written in blood and had a globule of excrement as a signature. It's always nice to get mail from the parents. I count my self lucky, they could have tried sending me explosive printer cartridges.
If they think they are getting a Christmas card from me this year....
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Thursday, 28 October 2010
A Facebook Manifesto
OK here it is. Months of extensive research has gone into categorising the status update and the person who does it. Read on:
The ing-ers:
These people are usually fans of radio. Adding an "ing" onto a verb isn't clever. I can barely tolerate it when people who text radio shows do it. Don't do it. Leave it to "Gary from Newcastle on the M4 grooving to N-Dubz". Fern Cotton will read out an "ing" text at least 28 times during every 2 hour radio show.
The Attention Seekers:
I'm not sure what is worse; The fact that you are telling Facebook that you've had a bad day or that fact that your "friends" want to know why you are sad.... ON FACEBOOK! Listen! If they were your friend, they would have given you a call. On a scale of cries-for help, Facebook attention seekers are just below those who stub out cigarettes on their chests.
The Silent Types:
Self explanatory this one:
"John Smith is ...." . If you have nothing to say, then don't fucking burden us with your emptiness. No one is impressed with your broodiness.
The Celebrity Grievers:
Fuck me! Michael Jackson is dead! I need to tell Facebook before the BBC reports it! Admit it, you actually enjoy it when you hear news that someone famous has just died. Just wait til Thatcher or Patrick Moore die. My home page will be littered with you guys.
This group includes those who "celebrate" the anniversary of a celebrity death.
The Birthday wishers:
The last time you sent a message to the birthday boy/girl was exactly a year ago when it was their birthday. If you've not spoken to them in a year (emails and "inboxing" does not count) then you do not have the right to wish them a happy birthday. Period.
The Music Video Posters:
Whats that? You were alive in the 80's? You liked Bros? Great! Tell someone who gives a shit! Music video posts take up an huge amount of space on my home page. Don't do it.
The Spouse Lovers:
Using Facebook to declare how much you love your life partner is wrong for 2 reasons.
1) No one cares. We will be annoyed that unlike you, we have failed relationships under our belts.
2) I guarantee that within 6 hours of making that post, you will argue with your other half over who's family you will be spending Christmas with.
Posting declarations like these will only make your divorce more harrowing for you.
The Insomniacs:
Remember when we were young? It was cool if you were up later than 9pm. The insomniac Facebooker hasn't grown out of that feeling. Posting a message at 2am saying that you cannot sleep will only impress your 6 year old nephew/niece who really shouldn't have a Facebook account anyway!
Make a fucking hot chocolate and leave us alone.
The Politicians:
OK you just watched Questions time and you want to tell us what you thought about the verbal crushing that semi-racist politician just took. It's falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes). We true Facebookers only want to know if that same MP died live on the show (See celebrity griever).
The Locations Hounds:
It's simple. The minute you do a location update, I'm fucking robbing your house. If you read your home insurance policy, doing a location post invalidates said policy. Fact.
The CAPS POSTERS:
Alright! No need to fucking shout!
The Likers:
I have to be careful here. Likers are usually aged between 12 and 15. They will spend hours looking for Facebook groups that are essentially ripped of ditties from a Michael Mcintyre stand up. Here is an example:
Billy balls-just-dropped Smith likes "tripping over in public and looking around to see who saw". Get off the Internet and do your homework!
The Nice-day-Outers:
Yes ok, you just got home after a great night with your girlie mates. Fine. But dont post it and then sit there for hours seeing which of your friends "like" the fact that you had a good night out. If someone doesn't "like" the fact that you went clubbing, it does not mean that they hate you. Get over it!
The Quoters:
If Nietzsche or Machiavelli had any idea that someone was going to invent Facebook, they wouldn't have bothered writing down their wisdom. Telling Facebook a wise sentence attributed to Sun Tsu does not make you a philosopher. Especially if you then tell interested commenteers that it "came from my head".
The Film Quoters:
A subset of the standard Quoter. They will quote a movie or show and hope that someone will recognise it and finish the scene. The quote will also be edited to fit in the status' unique structure. These people are an alright bunch. I have plenty of time for them...
The Football Fan:
Facebook was invented for these people. Period.
What better way to remind a scouser the last time they won the league or to tell a Gooner that Wenger is moaning again. I take small issue with those who status update scores. I don't use Facebook to get the latest scores. In this technologically advanced age, there are much better ways of getting the final results. It stops now!
The Pedant (not to be confused with "The Paedo"):
I left this to the end as there will be those who have bothered to read through this who have noted spelling/grammatical errors. They will comment on a genuine human error of spelling but not on a status that uses child slang riddled with numbers to make a point. We embrace your mild autism but at the same time, don't care for your corrections. Save it for your children's homework!
The ing-ers:
These people are usually fans of radio. Adding an "ing" onto a verb isn't clever. I can barely tolerate it when people who text radio shows do it. Don't do it. Leave it to "Gary from Newcastle on the M4 grooving to N-Dubz". Fern Cotton will read out an "ing" text at least 28 times during every 2 hour radio show.
The Attention Seekers:
I'm not sure what is worse; The fact that you are telling Facebook that you've had a bad day or that fact that your "friends" want to know why you are sad.... ON FACEBOOK! Listen! If they were your friend, they would have given you a call. On a scale of cries-for help, Facebook attention seekers are just below those who stub out cigarettes on their chests.
The Silent Types:
Self explanatory this one:
"John Smith is ...." . If you have nothing to say, then don't fucking burden us with your emptiness. No one is impressed with your broodiness.
The Celebrity Grievers:
Fuck me! Michael Jackson is dead! I need to tell Facebook before the BBC reports it! Admit it, you actually enjoy it when you hear news that someone famous has just died. Just wait til Thatcher or Patrick Moore die. My home page will be littered with you guys.
This group includes those who "celebrate" the anniversary of a celebrity death.
The Birthday wishers:
The last time you sent a message to the birthday boy/girl was exactly a year ago when it was their birthday. If you've not spoken to them in a year (emails and "inboxing" does not count) then you do not have the right to wish them a happy birthday. Period.
The Music Video Posters:
Whats that? You were alive in the 80's? You liked Bros? Great! Tell someone who gives a shit! Music video posts take up an huge amount of space on my home page. Don't do it.
The Spouse Lovers:
Using Facebook to declare how much you love your life partner is wrong for 2 reasons.
1) No one cares. We will be annoyed that unlike you, we have failed relationships under our belts.
2) I guarantee that within 6 hours of making that post, you will argue with your other half over who's family you will be spending Christmas with.
Posting declarations like these will only make your divorce more harrowing for you.
The Insomniacs:
Remember when we were young? It was cool if you were up later than 9pm. The insomniac Facebooker hasn't grown out of that feeling. Posting a message at 2am saying that you cannot sleep will only impress your 6 year old nephew/niece who really shouldn't have a Facebook account anyway!
Make a fucking hot chocolate and leave us alone.
The Politicians:
OK you just watched Questions time and you want to tell us what you thought about the verbal crushing that semi-racist politician just took. It's falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes). We true Facebookers only want to know if that same MP died live on the show (See celebrity griever).
The Locations Hounds:
It's simple. The minute you do a location update, I'm fucking robbing your house. If you read your home insurance policy, doing a location post invalidates said policy. Fact.
The CAPS POSTERS:
Alright! No need to fucking shout!
The Likers:
I have to be careful here. Likers are usually aged between 12 and 15. They will spend hours looking for Facebook groups that are essentially ripped of ditties from a Michael Mcintyre stand up. Here is an example:
Billy balls-just-dropped Smith likes "tripping over in public and looking around to see who saw". Get off the Internet and do your homework!
The Nice-day-Outers:
Yes ok, you just got home after a great night with your girlie mates. Fine. But dont post it and then sit there for hours seeing which of your friends "like" the fact that you had a good night out. If someone doesn't "like" the fact that you went clubbing, it does not mean that they hate you. Get over it!
The Quoters:
If Nietzsche or Machiavelli had any idea that someone was going to invent Facebook, they wouldn't have bothered writing down their wisdom. Telling Facebook a wise sentence attributed to Sun Tsu does not make you a philosopher. Especially if you then tell interested commenteers that it "came from my head".
The Film Quoters:
A subset of the standard Quoter. They will quote a movie or show and hope that someone will recognise it and finish the scene. The quote will also be edited to fit in the status' unique structure. These people are an alright bunch. I have plenty of time for them...
The Football Fan:
Facebook was invented for these people. Period.
What better way to remind a scouser the last time they won the league or to tell a Gooner that Wenger is moaning again. I take small issue with those who status update scores. I don't use Facebook to get the latest scores. In this technologically advanced age, there are much better ways of getting the final results. It stops now!
The Pedant (not to be confused with "The Paedo"):
I left this to the end as there will be those who have bothered to read through this who have noted spelling/grammatical errors. They will comment on a genuine human error of spelling but not on a status that uses child slang riddled with numbers to make a point. We embrace your mild autism but at the same time, don't care for your corrections. Save it for your children's homework!
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