Not so secret diary of a Spalio!

Death Threat

2010-10-31T21:39:00.003Z

Got my first ever death threat today. It was a part of the tense, hatred-laden backlash after my recent Facebook research. The letter was written in blood and had a globule of excrement as a signature. It's always nice to get mail from the parents. I count my self lucky, they could have tried sending me explosive printer cartridges.

If they think they are getting a Christmas card from me this year....

A Facebook Manifesto

2010-10-28T23:23:00.008+01:00

OK here it is. Months of extensive research has gone into categorising the status update and the person who does it. Read on:

The ing-ers:

These people are usually fans of radio. Adding an "ing" onto a verb isn't clever. I can barely tolerate it when people who text radio shows do it. Don't do it. Leave it to "Gary from Newcastle on the M4 grooving to N-Dubz". Fern Cotton will read out an "ing" text at least 28 times during every 2 hour radio show.

The Attention Seekers:

I'm not sure what is worse; The fact that you are telling Facebook that you've had a bad day or that fact that your "friends" want to know why you are sad.... ON FACEBOOK! Listen! If they were your friend, they would have given you a call. On a scale of cries-for help, Facebook attention seekers are just below those who stub out cigarettes on their chests.

The Silent Types:

Self explanatory this one:
"John Smith is ...." . If you have nothing to say, then don't fucking burden us with your emptiness. No one is impressed with your broodiness.

The Celebrity Grievers:

Fuck me! Michael Jackson is dead! I need to tell Facebook before the BBC reports it! Admit it, you actually enjoy it when you hear news that someone famous has just died. Just wait til Thatcher or Patrick Moore die. My home page will be littered with you guys.
This group includes those who "celebrate" the anniversary of a celebrity death.

The Birthday wishers:

The last time you sent a message to the birthday boy/girl was exactly a year ago when it was their birthday. If you've not spoken to them in a year (emails and "inboxing" does not count) then you do not have the right to wish them a happy birthday. Period.

The Music Video Posters:

Whats that? You were alive in the 80's? You liked Bros? Great! Tell someone who gives a shit! Music video posts take up an huge amount of space on my home page. Don't do it.

The Spouse Lovers:

Using Facebook to declare how much you love your life partner is wrong for 2 reasons.
1) No one cares. We will be annoyed that unlike you, we have failed relationships under our belts.
2) I guarantee that within 6 hours of making that post, you will argue with your other half over who's family you will be spending Christmas with.
Posting declarations like these will only make your divorce more harrowing for you.

The Insomniacs:

Remember when we were young? It was cool if you were up later than 9pm. The insomniac Facebooker hasn't grown out of that feeling. Posting a message at 2am saying that you cannot sleep will only impress your 6 year old nephew/niece who really shouldn't have a Facebook account anyway!
Make a fucking hot chocolate and leave us alone.

The Politicians:

OK you just watched Questions time and you want to tell us what you thought about the verbal crushing that semi-racist politician just took. It's falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes). We true Facebookers only want to know if that same MP died live on the show (See celebrity griever).

The Locations Hounds:

It's simple. The minute you do a location update, I'm fucking robbing your house. If you read your home insurance policy, doing a location post invalidates said policy. Fact.

The CAPS POSTERS:

Alright! No need to fucking shout!

The Likers:

I have to be careful here. Likers are usually aged between 12 and 15. They will spend hours looking for Facebook groups that are essentially ripped of ditties from a Michael Mcintyre stand up. Here is an example:
Billy balls-just-dropped Smith likes "tripping over in public and looking around to see who saw". Get off the Internet and do your homework!

The Nice-day-Outers:

Yes ok, you just got home after a great night with your girlie mates. Fine. But dont post it and then sit there for hours seeing which of your friends "like" the fact that you had a good night out. If someone doesn't "like" the fact that you went clubbing, it does not mean that they hate you. Get over it!

The Quoters:

If Nietzsche or Machiavelli had any idea that someone was going to invent Facebook, they wouldn't have bothered writing down their wisdom. Telling Facebook a wise sentence attributed to Sun Tsu does not make you a philosopher. Especially if you then tell interested commenteers that it "came from my head".

The Film Quoters:

A subset of the standard Quoter. They will quote a movie or show and hope that someone will recognise it and finish the scene. The quote will also be edited to fit in the status' unique structure. These people are an alright bunch. I have plenty of time for them...

The Football Fan:

Facebook was invented for these people. Period.
What better way to remind a scouser the last time they won the league or to tell a Gooner that Wenger is moaning again. I take small issue with those who status update scores. I don't use Facebook to get the latest scores. In this technologically advanced age, there are much better ways of getting the final results. It stops now!

The Pedant (not to be confused with "The Paedo"):

I left this to the end as there will be those who have bothered to read through this who have noted spelling/grammatical errors. They will comment on a genuine human error of spelling but not on a status that uses child slang riddled with numbers to make a point. We embrace your mild autism but at the same time, don't care for your corrections. Save it for your children's homework!

Wardenisations

2010-06-11T20:18:00.000+01:00

I subscribe to the laws of the road, I really do but today I had a momentary lapse.... A minion of the highways confronted me and for evidence, I recorded the following:

Warden: Loading pay, sir
Me: What?
Warden: You're parked in a loading bay. That's a ticket!
Me: Whoa whoa.... Backup there, Cuthbert... I was loading!
Warden: I just saw you go into that take away! You've got what looks like a lamb shish in your hands!
Me: Thats right, officer! I'm in the process of loading this kebab into that car!
Warden: Well I'm pretty sure that isn't allowed so cough up?
Me: Well how about we substitute the payment of monies with a smash in the teeth?

After I had thrashed the warden to within an inch of his life, I went home and noticed that yet again, the polish lady across the way was making the same exotic fish dish that she seems to make every fucking day!
The smell is unbearable. It has left me with two options:

1) Knock on her door and show her how to open a window and how to operate the extractor fan
2) Make some faecal pie and waft the aroma over to her stupid flat and see how she likes it. So what if it means her toddlers come down with some horrible illness...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iSpaz

Location:A218,Merton,United Kingdom

iPad

2010-05-29T15:41:00.001+01:00

I stole an iPad today.... It was fun and no one was hurt!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Define Irony....

2010-04-13T23:55:00.004+01:00

There are several things you can do to heal a sore throat. Some people take medication, some drink soothing drinks and some even commit suicide! I do what the British were born to do.... Suck on a Strepsil. Strepsils are renown to have the noisiest fucking blister packs in the world. It is rumoured that during the retreat at Gallipoli, Strepsil booby traps were strategically laid out to fool the Turks that the Allies were were firing at them... My sources are dubious by the romantic part of me likes to think that this is true.

The problem was that the fucking cherry strepsil I wanted to take had treacherously decided to crumble into a multitude of sweet tasting shards. Far from curing my sore throat, my oesophagus was lacerated to buggery and I nearly died from the blood loss!

Naturally I wrote to the Daily Mail who kindly printed the following headline:

BENEFIT CLAIMING STREPSIL IN THROAT SHREDDING HORROR!!!

And it has to be true if you read it in the Daily Mail....

I went to the cabbages....

2010-03-19T00:11:00.002Z

... and there was this good old boy digging up potatoes. He noticed me approaching, straightened his wizened spine and lent on the handle of his spade. He peered at me below his wide brimmed hat and scratched his chin...

"Fuck off kid!", he announced in a semi-angry voice. From within the folds of his cardigan he took out a serrated knife.

I'd seen/heard enough. I left sharpish, remembering that I was meant to go to Salisbury's and I wasn't sure what I was doing at the allotments! I could hear the old man laughing at my retreating back...

The joke's on him, though... I made a mental note to go back and take a shit on his Spinach patch. That'll learn the sour codger. While I'm there, I'll probably kill the Sparrows and Robins that visit him. Cunt!

Swimanizing

2010-02-01T23:53:00.003Z

I keep forgetting to defluff by my belly button before going to the local swimming baths. I'm worried that bad things will happen. What if, all of the fluff is gathering in one of them filters with the plasters and verruca pickings formulating a plan.... Eventually its large enough to drift around eating fat kids. I can't have that on my conscience.

Swimming is not as rewarding as you might think. The girls that go generally wear goggles. Like a tourettes ridden Greg Luganis, every time one of them goes past in a glorious butterfly stroke, I involuntarily shout:

"FOUR EYES! Your only swimming 'cos your fat and daddy doesn't love you!"

Not nice, I know. Still, empty pool! I'm expecting a lifetime ban, soon. It's probably for the best. I'm fast getting bored of swimming and that stingy, back of the throat, nearly vomiting, sore eyes, drowning feeling. Stupid side effects...

Squash next. Nice big walls to stop me upsetting people...

Dear Facebook...

2010-01-06T14:03:00.005Z

With age many things change. The most important is the fact that I no longer pray to the supreme being for favours/things/fornication. I will be honest, he has been a little lax in his provision of happiness. I know he isn't there to provide me with that entry level digital SLR that I wanted but come on, make the effort.

It would seem that prayers to the lord have morphed into the Facebook status update. People probably think that God sits around all day reading status updates, hoping he will comment on them. Here are some examples:

Alex is hot
Alex is cold
Alex needs an Alan key that will work on the bicycle seat
Alex can't seem to grasp that being at work is not a time to show people YouTube videos
Alex is feeling rapey
Alex knows that there is no party like an S-Club party
Alex has HIV
Alex has AIDS
Alex is dead

... and so on.

It would be great if the almighty could comment on our status updates. If he did, he would probably say stuff like:

Ahhh don't be sad.... just wait until the second coming. I'm gonna fuck your shit right up for not being nice to the poor! lol

I once knew a guy....

2009-12-08T22:49:00.004Z

... who confused pistachios and mussels. The guy would refuse to eat pistachios that were sealed shut. He would throw them away with a look of complete disgust. "Kill you, they can", he would announce. Needless to say, a few days after enjoying a mussel starter in some semi-glamorous restaurant, he was violently sick and died. He had insisted that the ones that did not open whilst being cooked were the tasty ones.

Before he died, I sat at his bedside in hospital talking about the good times we had. We had once kidnapped a pair of Brazilian Tapirs from the zoo and exposed them to a drink and drug fueled night out in town. The more extrovert of the two (we had named him Urkle) was taken to the red light district where he had paid for sex. The other one (christened Spangleton) had enjoyed a coffee by the Thames after we had failed to get him into St Paul's cathedral. It was a good day.

My friend had loved life but his utter stupidity had meant that he was to have no more fun days out in the company of underrated and unloved animals. He died in pain, calling out for Spangleton.

I should probably tell you that my friend was called Stanley Fuckwort. He falsely feared pistachios.

Kids say the sweetest things.

2009-07-04T22:08:00.002+01:00

We all know that kids cannot draw. This includes children who are of my clan. Today was difficult. My niece produced a piece of work in an excercise book which she wanted approval on. This happened:

Niece: Uncle Alex, I drew this....
Me: Huh....
Niece: You like it?
Me: I... er.... well... what is it?
Niece: Its you and me!
Me: Huh.... Whats it say in that bubble?
Niece: It says "I love you, uncle Alex"
Me: And this one?
Niece: It's you saying "I love you too"
Me: I.. don't remember saying that.
Niece: ....
Me: Remember we talked about telling stories?
Niece: but....
Me: Ok take it outside.... Naughty step. Think about what you've done.
Niece:
Nephew: Man....
Me: I know!
Nephew: It's a terrible picture too!
Me: Hey! Be nice! Naughty step. You too.
Nephew: Fascist!
Me: OUT!

These are hard times. We must be strong and vigilant for such a blatant disregard for elders. I'm gonna cancel their cinema trip, tomorrow. Busted!

Letter to Hotpoint...

2009-07-01T21:57:00.002+01:00

Dear Hotpoint

I know you do other stuff and therefore this letter should be directed to those members of staff associated with your mobile air conditioning units. I assume that one day not long ago, many of you sat down to consider the needs of the hot and sticky. I also assume that at this meeting, one of your more forward thinking members of staff wrote a note on the big 'ol think pad of a whiteboard you had there. Im my mind, I can picture it saying the following:

"Hey everyone... lets make this air conditioner that we are making *actually* cool places/people. lol"

Now. I would like to draw your attention to the Hotpoint model MAC150. It was bought in good faith by my employer so that I might be able to continue working for them as our sun continues to engorge our sorry globe in heat and fucking humidity. Why, then, rather than making my working day more bearable did it just sit there in the corner of the room wetly spewing legionaires disease riddled tepid air around me? What the fuck is wrong with you people? You think I like having the piss taken out of me? At first I thought it was a "setting". No. It wasn't the "setting". It was/is just a rubbish machine.

Anyway. As a result of your ineffectual ingenuity, I remained hot, sticky and largely uncomfortable. My productivity was on par with a Michael Jackson (RIP) backup dancer. I did fuckall today. It's your fault. If I get fired, I'm coming for you.

yours sweatingly,

Alex

P.S. The irony of being cooled by a hotpoint air conditioner was not lost on me. Ha ha. Cunt.

Summer time!

2009-06-27T23:19:00.002+01:00

With age comes several unwanted characteristics and behavioural discrepencies. These are as follows:

1) Forgetfulness
2) Mal-nourishment
3) Self-defecation

These are the reasons why I have not been as dedicated to self diarising as i had been in yonder year. My cardiologist explained to me the importance of keeping up this literal excercise and he insists to me that the King of pop would have lived for at least another month had he bothered to blog. I await his well researched evidence.

Yawn!

2009-03-10T23:28:00.002Z

Well.... as promised, I slept through Christmas and carried it on a little bit. I awake with street sellers flogging their easter wares on the streets of old London town.

Much has changed....
blah blah divorced blah blah homeless blah blah UK subbuteo runner upper. The list is clearly endless. A new set of life goals are needed. So far I have picked only one:

Frisbee football!!!

Im sure thats what they call it. I saw some guys (probably Australian/New Zealandesque) playing on the common as I sailed past on a bus (my travel ban ended whilst in my festive coma). With regular practice, I should be a champion of sorts. The Frisbee gods shall receive my prayers.

30! Next stop, death!

2008-11-24T22:26:00.002Z

You might think that i've been too busy planning my awesome party and setting the stage for 30 more glorious years. No. I spent it wondering around in my pants eating biscuits and swearing at the elderly. Blogging is always second fiddle in a biscuit eating, scantily clad swearfest.

Depression has set in. I expressed my upset by randomly attacking the innocent. That'll teach them to wish me a happy birthday. In your face, mum!

And now the run up to christmas. If Santa don't bring my some sweet toys, I will give lapland more than credit crunch problems. I've had a plan. the first house I see sporting christmas lights, I shall knock on their door and profess to love them. I will cry a little bit and say something along the lines of:

"It's people like you that make christmas real. God bless you, sir!"

I hope I sleep right through it this year.

What have...

2008-10-26T21:38:00.003Z

Tony Blair and Alex (me) got in common?

Answer: We both suffer from the same medical condition that affects the heart. I spent all of yesterday in hospital on drips and having tests and having my heartbeat stabilised. Nurses are incredible people. They had to deal with the following transcripted scenario:

Me: Ah, nurse.... I have a rest room requirement.
Nurse: OK, well here's a bed bottle, just let me know when you are done.
Me: But I'm all clothed!
Nurse: Yes you are! I'm sure you know how to -
Me: Lady, I have a heart condition whi-
Nurse: Minor heart condition
Me: Fine, minor heart condition, but I don't want to risk complications by taking my jeans off.
Nurse: you want me to help?
Me: Oh go on then...
Nurse: Your wife is right there!
Me: Thats ok, she likes to watch. It's her thing. She may take a picture or two.
Wife: I'm not going to-
Me: Not now, Darling!
Nurse: I really don't think-
Me: And as you are doing it, can you say something along the lines of "Ooooh you are a brave boy"?
Nurse: No, I don't think I can.
Me: What about all that hypocratic oath nonsense?
Nurse: I don't think he had the taking off of patients jeans in mind.
Me: Huh.... Those Ancient Greeks, always forgetting things. Fine I will do it myself!
Nurse: Good.

And that was that. John McCain sent me a get well text. I reminded him that I was not eligible to vote over there and included a smiley face for good measure. Wait til I tell Obama!

Don't speak French...

2008-10-18T14:40:00.002+01:00

But unlike some people, I shan't let the funky music do the talking. No. I shall be hiring a French/English interpreter to make sure theres no room for confusion.

I won't hold it against Girls Aloud. They are all more than welcome around mine where I will carefully put them in a sack and give them rapid but satisfactory coitus. I consider myself a man for all the ladies.

BLOG FAIL!

2008-10-16T20:48:00.002+01:00

Ingredients for Cheese Omelet Recipe
2 eggs
Pinch of salt
Pinch of pepper
1/2 teaspoon finely chopped parsley
1 teaspoon grated Parmesan
2 tablespoons butter

In other news, I had to stay in a castlesque hotel in Cheltenham. I questioned the receptionist about the age of the building:

Her: Its about 600 years old....
Me: In human years?
Her: Yup.
Me: Is there likely to have been any death within the walls?
Her: It's pretty old, I mean-
Me: WRONG!!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ. Answer that again, please...
Her: I... er... Chances are there has been a death or-
Me: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Try again....
Her: Are you gonna get upset until I tell you that this place is death free?
Me: Yup
Her: Despite that not being the truth?
Me: Yup
Her: There have been no tragic deaths in the building.... happy?
Me: Yes I am.

I then proceeded to remove her jugular with a deft hand swipe and then I said:

Me: Wrong again, lady. Now wheres the bar at?

We've been given parking bays not far from the office by the river Wandle. I parked there today and walked to the office with Javi. I told him I felt like "Fucking Huckleberry Finn". He didn't know who that was. He thought I was talking about the conventional green Hulk. Sometimes I think the Spanish have had sheltered lives. I made a vow to teach him all the Marvel super heroes in alphabetical order...

9th Oct - That's why Mummy has gone to Iceland

2008-10-09T22:00:00.003+01:00

Cos she was banking over there wasn't she! Silly cow. All her money/investments got all credit crunched up! I told her that investing in Bjork wasnt a good idea she went ahead and did it. we should have seen the colapse of their banks, to be honest. Kerry katona going bankrupt should have given it away!

Stupid bathroom sink went all spaz and leaked everywhere, yesterday. Not really built for home improvements, I called apon the great god, Dizan (my dad) and he came over with a wrench looking like mario and fixed it. I rewarded him with a tepid cup of tea and the rubbish left over quality street. He told me I was spoiling him!

We had some impromptu meeting at work, yesterday. I sat there nodding sagely until I was asked a question by the big cheese. Not really sure what the question was, I got all defensive and said the following:

Me: What? I mean.... what?
Boss: I asked what you thought of the changes
Me: Well, changes are good....
Boss: Go on
Me: And goverment research shows that changes are related to happiness and th-
Boss: Not quite sure what you are on about, Alex. Any comments about the changes within the company?
Me: I like them!.....
Boss: Because?....
Me: Look, what is this? get off my back, man! You can't keep fucking with me like this! I have feelings to you know! Fucking rascist!
Boss: I er... didn't say-
Me: Yeah you did! You called me a greek bastard with all the bearded trimmings! Well fuck you and your oppression. I'm outta here!

I sort of stormed out and cried in the corridor. I know how to handle a personal crisis.

Tomorrow is an important day. I almost definitely will have a subway for lunch. I've decided that after each bite, I will exclaim: "NOM NOM!"

7th Oct - I kissed a girl.....

2008-10-08T00:18:00.002+01:00

And I liked it!.... Actually I didn't. Her chapstick was bland, tastless and sticky. I shan't be seeing her again and I have been ignoring her calls.

28th September - Somalian pirates

2008-09-28T12:53:00.001+01:00

I can just picture the scene on that boarded ship. Gun toting somalian pirates scouring around looking for the goods they can sell...

Pirate 1: Er.... Mehmet?
Pirate 2: Yes, Khalid?
P1: It's full of tanks!
P2: Fish tanks?
P1: Fucking tanks! Fucking boom boom!
P2: Oh...
P1: The things that signalled the end of trench fighting in modern warfare?
P2: I know what a fucking tank is!
P1: What are we gonna do?!
P2: Sell them?
P1: How?! We can't just wheel them into the market and do two for the price of one!
P2: There is a demand round our ways... we cou-
P1: Could what? Cold call the local war lords?
P2: OOoooh We could put them on-
P1: Don't say ebay. You know they stopped my account!
P2: All because you tried to sell Kylie tickets.
P1: I know
P2: (sigh)
P1: You said they would have Wiis on this one. You said that!
P2: The demand is high. Christmas approaching. It had to be!
P1: Not even a single wii fit on board.....
P2: Hey! You wanna go and shoot up the poop deck for giggles?
P1: Awesome! Let's go!

I hope they resolve it soon. Them pirates have families too.

I went to Manchester the other day. The fatest old lady sat next to me on the train. She fell asleep and started snoring. I nearly stuffed the metro newspaper into her stupid face but held back at the last minute. The next time I go anywhere with a train, I'm going first class. That way I can walk up and down the train asking if anyone had seen my mate Curruthers! I'm bringing down that class system, man!

Tomorrow, I'm going to work on my beat box skills. The annual beat-off contest is soon and I need to get some practice!

22th September - interlude

2008-09-22T21:14:00.002+01:00

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Mushroom.

...... I think I said it wrong......

19th September - A plague upon me...

2008-09-20T01:05:00.002+01:00

The conversation went a little something like this...

Me: Whoa backup! What do you mean crypt?
Customer: We are in what used to be a church crypt.
Me: No no before that....
Cust: Do you want to know something eeir-
Me: No! After that!
Cust: This used to be where they kept the plague victims?
Me: Yeah, that bit. Are you shitting on my dick?
Cust: No! a few years ago, they removed over a thousand bodies. All died from the plague!
Me And you bring me down here? Whats the matter with you...
Cust:... It's pretty safe now. Look! It's now a trendy overly expensive cafe!
Me: My tea reeks of death! What if I get the plague?
Cust: I think modern medicine has moved on enou-
Me: BLAH BLAH modern medicine! I invented fucking paracetamol! I think I know a little about modern medicine!
Cust:....
Me: I'm outta here, pal. Install your own damned firewall!
Cust: But!?

Naturally I left. The bloody cheek of the guy. Subject me to the biggest killer in human history after Ghengis Khan and Coranation street!? I spent the rest of the day on the look out for weeping sores. At one stage I thought I saw one. Turned out to be my belly button.

12th September - XL? X Smell more like!

2008-09-12T23:15:00.002+01:00

I mean what are they complaining about?

XL dude: Sorry sir, you and your family will have to stay in the Carribean for a few more days until we work out how to get you home.
Grummy dad: Really? Well ok! Come on kids, back to the pool!

We flew with XL once to Cyprus. They forgot to get enough meals to serve us. I remember kicking off as we flew over the Alps with some snotty effeminate trolley pusher.

Me: Hello? Er yes. No meals for us?
Air host: Did you request meals, sir?
Me: No! My stomachs rumbling because it likes the blues, of course we ordered meals!
Air host: I'm sorry sir, it looks like we do not have enough meals on board!
Me: Whoa, whoa back up, princess. No meals? What am I supposed to eat, my feet?
AH: Oh sir, missing a meal wont do you any harm! Looks like you can spare a few pounds!
Me: OI! Thats fucking muscle!
AH: Its wobbling!
Me: I'm flexing, you jumped up pretty boy! No go and get me some food before I jam that bottle of moisturiser you overly use into your rectum!
AH: Oh Sir, I don-
Me: I meant nose! I'm going to jam it up your nose!!! No where else.
AH: I will see what I can do

Sometimes I understand why hostage situations happen on flights.

In other news, I'm being asked to look after a tortoise while the owners go on holiday! The bloody thing better be hibernated before it gets here, tomorrow. I've found a bottle of tippex. As soon as the time is right, I shall tippex a set of cock and balls on its shell!

7th September - Covent garden

2008-09-07T23:49:00.003+01:00

Inconvenient garden more like!

I hate clubs. Social cesspools with not a single chocolatey biscuit within! I usually avoid them for two reasons.

1) I never have a clean shirt
2) Something unpleasant ALWAYS happens!

Last night was no exception. A stuck up doorman wearing a cheap suit decided not to let me and others into his sweaty den of sin. We verbally warred the following.

Cheap suit door man: Thats £12.50.
Me: You mean a fiver?
Csdm: 12.50!
Me: A moment ago it was a fiver! whats changed?
Csdm: Sir, I have a club full of people, if you dont cough up, we won't be any worse off!
Me: I'll make you worse off when I give you a paper cut with this five pound note!
Csdm: Right! Thats aggression! Leave at once!
Me: Aggression? Heres your aggression!

I then proceeded to pummel the self involved fuck-dustbin to within an inch of his life. A good night all in all.

The next time someone suggests a night out in our glorious city, I will opt to lick dust mites off the carpet as a better time.

4th September - Hair today...

2008-09-04T21:39:00.002+01:00

That's it! I'm shaving it off! Hair is stupid. Specifically mine is. I think its time I gave my fine flyaway locks to charity. The problem is the rain. The minute your hair does not stop the rain, you need to just lop it off.

After a stressfull day, I called my dear mother to see how she was. we noisily burped the following:

Mum: Hello son

Me: 'aight y'all? Sup dawg?

Mum: Alex

Me: Yes, mum?

Mum: Stop being jive

Me: K. Sorry.

Mum: Hows work?

Me:

Mum: Did you just shrug?

Me: Yes

Mum: I can't see you shrug over the phone

Me: Really? Well you can't see what I'm doing now!

Mum: You are flipping the bird to the phone

Me: You are like some sort of witch! How did you know?

Mum: Grow up, son. heres you father....

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hi Dad!

Dad: Piss off!

Grumpy git.

I swear the weekend cannot come soon enough. If I have to take part in one more conference call, I'm going do 'allo 'allo impressions until I get fired. The news is warning of stormy weather in the south west, tomorrow. Sini and I decided to leave for the glorious capital early tomorrow. If i get home and find the Russians have invaded, I will be proper annoyed!

3rd September - Credit crunch

2008-09-01T21:36:00.005+01:00

Sounds tasty but it isn't!

To combat the hard times, I have gathered some information to help us save a penny.

1) Steal sugar and tea bags from hotels

2) Sell sugar and tea bags from hotels to other hotels

3) Busk

You would all do well to follow my advice. Hard times ahead, apparently. I intend to celebrate by eating cake daily.

In other news, we said goodbye to our Dutch technical consultant. He cried as we took him to the station. He beat his chest when we wished him a safe flight. He caughed heavily when I kicked him square in the nuts. Exeter will not be the same without him. As we ate dinner, Sini set about creating a replica doll to keep us company. He used tissue, straw and cheese cake biscuit base.

It looks a little like our Dutch buddy. A baptism may be in order tomorrow.

29th August - Where in the world....

2008-08-30T00:11:00.002+01:00

PC WORLD!

Sometimes I like to go to PC world and mess their shit up a little. Here are some of the things I like to do there:

1) Scratch LCD TVs
2) Ask to look at nice cameras and then lick the lenses
3) Calculate the tiny discount on the items in the bargain bucket
4) Swear at the security dude sat on that elevated pedestal near the exits. I don't care how high they are, I will fight them during a frisking!

Why was I in PC world? Replacing a item of computerised value in my household of course. I tried haggling them into a price war with Currys which is right next door but it just wasnt washing. Something about being the same company. Some of these marketing people are way to clever for me!

My tan from the holidays started peeling today. I told Koulla that I was gonna gather all the rubbings of my skin into a small ball and feed it to our omni-sexual budgie, Frosty. Koulla told me not to but I did it anyway. The results were amusing. Frosty all the way through Big Brother (eviction night). It began to annoy me so I gave him/her a little minuture Heimlick maneuver. To my surprise, he/she spat out a small lego head from one of my star wars pieces. To prevent future repeat incidences, I have laced all of my remaining lego toys with pepper and chilli.

27th August - Atlantis

2008-08-27T18:12:00.004+01:00

Holidays. They should not have the threat of violent death in its bosom. Unbeknownest to me, this years mementary escapism had just that. After landing on fabled Thira, we were whisked off to our hotel whilst the tour rep excitedly told us about expensive things to do. She Thomas Cooked the following:

Rep: ...There's plenty to do on the island including visiting the active volcano which-
Me: .... er ahem....
Rep: ... which as recenlty as-
Me: I said AHEM!
Rep: Yes?
Me: Just a small thing. Just wanted to tell the other holidayeers on the coach that the volcano is, in fact, dormant.
Rep: Actually it is active. There has been activity as recent as 20 years ago.
Me: Now listen missy. You think I would come here knowing that there is a bubbling inferno under my feet?
Rep: Nevertheless, sir, the volcano is active.
Me: Dormant
Rep: Active
Me: Dormant!
Rep: Active!
Me: Now you listen to me, sugar tits, the only active thing on this island is my fist as it slams into your ribs! You follow me?
Koulla: Darling!
Me: Not now-
Koulla: But according to this detailed history of Greece book (published by penguin), the volcano is active.
Me: .....
Rep: Thank you madam. Now would anyone else like to rudely shout at me?

So that was that. I had booked and paid for a holiday on an volcano which was attributed as the cause of the demise of Minoan Crete! I wasn't happy. One night in a particularly nice restaurant, Koulla burped and I jumped up screaming in panic thinking that there was an eruption!

The only other highlight of the holiday was walking through the pristine cobbled streets of Oia. White washed walls, blue painted domes. It was a gift for any graffiti artist! I set about tagging all the churches and houses with my own unique graffiti tag:

"FLACID"

Man, I am the coolest of them all!

As we took off from the island, I watched from the plane window half expecting the volcano to angrilly burst forth like an angry god sent curse! I didn't happen. When it does, I hope the tour rep gets a bit of pummice jammed into her eye socket.

16th August - Fake weddings

2008-08-17T00:25:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was my parents anniversary. Or so they say! I called them up to wish them well in Cyprus. (note: they were in Cyprus being wished well. Not me wishing them well from Cyprus)
My dad wasnt enthused at all with my well wishes and he knows why. I once confronted my parents about the lack of evidence pertaining to their sham of a marriage. I Hercule Poiroted the situation right up and collated the following eveidence.

1) Both of their wedding rings are made of cheese and gravel.

2) Dad never goes to church. Hes scared of them. He tends to hiss throughout services. I would imagine no self respecting Greek orthodox priest would allow a service to happen with hissing going on.

3) The closest thing to a wedding dress my Mum has ever owned was an apron with genitals drawn on it.

As soon as I can definitively prove the sham, i'm getting onto immigration and having them shipped out of the EU.

In other news, Putin won't answer my facebook wall posts. Koulla says he might not be logging on but I know that he is on the fact that he changes his status every now and then. Here are a few of his recent changes:

Putin is annoying Europe
Putin is annoyed at Rex in Big Brother.
Putin thinks that George should mind his own business.
Putin iz in ur former Warsaw pact cuntrys, bombin' ur missile defence shield!

I've poked him. He can't ignore a poke.

11th August - Holidayz

2008-08-11T23:47:00.004+01:00

South Ossetia! Thats the holiday location to be, I think. I'm not going to Pakistan, this year. Musharaff was all "Yeah come over! I show you the sites and we can Teleban it up along the border! Sweeet as!". Stupid cholera. I was in bed for weeks! Anyway, the ol' General has some problems so hes gonna be too busy to show me around. Ossetia it is.

I can't wait for the special olympics to start. Two weeks in front of the TV shouting "JEFFY!". Good times.

4th August - French lessons

2008-08-04T22:14:00.002+01:00

I remember school. I remember a few in fact. In one of them we had to do French. The lady who taught us French looked like an oversized Ewok. We used to get text books called "Le Tricolore" or some such. In one copy, it said inside the cover the following:

I is a rasta,
I come from Gloucester,
My name is Bertie,
My batty is dirty

A master piece if I had ever read one. Several weeks later, I got the same book which had the following in red ink just underneath.

Fuck you Bertie,
Your batty is dirty!

Sometimes I think I went to the best school in the world.

Did I mention I was in Exeter? Well I am. This time I got the penthouse room in this 3* establishment.

I was going to dedicate tomorrow to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I caught a shout out to me this morning on Capital radio. He so sweet. We are definitely going to meet up for a Nandos soon.

30th July - School disco

2008-07-30T22:37:00.003+01:00

I had Graham, Ade and Dan (desktop) to keep me company today. We toiled with our job and got annoyed about things not working. Grahams rage hit a new high as after a particularly virulent phone call, he stabbed me twice in the gut with a pen! I don't let things like this ruin our friendship. After we checked into our hotel, I told Graham about the framed hot water warning in our bathrooms. After he checked, he called me up and declared the following:

Graham: Alex?
Me: Yes?
Graham: My sign is different!
Me: What... you mean you are like a Sagitarius or something?
Graham: No! I mean the bathroom warning...
Me: Well what does yours say?
Graham: "Graham dont put the shower head up your shitta"
Me: Really?
Graham: Yeah! Only I didn't notice it until after I done it.
Me: Aw!
Graham: So you wanna come and have a bath with me?
Me: No not really...
Graham: Another time, then. Don't be late for breakfast.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Graham: I love you too.

Prior to the completely true events above, Graham, Dan (Desktop) and I went for dinner together. We all shared a chocolate brownie together which our waitress thought was odd.
As we were walking back to the hotel, we walked past what was quite clearly a school disco type party. The local college girls had put their shortest skirts and freckles and were planning on debasing themselves. as they flittered excitedly past us to their venue, Graham had an attack of rage and clotheslined a top heavy student with force. He must not have realised his strength as he took the poor girls head clean off! We disposed of the body as best as we could and continued on...

Tomorrow, I will shout "ROCOGNISE!" and "TESTIFY" every time someone comments on my clothing like some sort of baptist preacher.

27th July - Travelin' through time

2008-07-28T01:10:00.003+01:00

Today, I travelled back in time. As you well know, my flux capacitor has been faulty for some time so I'm not quite sure how it happened. As I travelled to Exeter (again), I noticed that the cars that I overtook were getting older and older. By the time I had passed Stone Henge, the cars were so old, I thought I had accidently driven into a filming of a chase scene for Heartbeat (starring Nick Berry). I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation so I satisfied myself by ramming the cars off the road. At first I felt a little guilty at the deaths I may have caused but then I thought that all the drivers were probably over 80 and therefore not really people as we know them.

After returning to the present, I checked into my hotel and uncomfortably held a conversation with the gay guy behind the desk. These noises occured:

Me: I would like to check in, please.
Him: Oooooh I bet you would. I bet you want to check right into my pants.
Me: I errr, no. I really want a room.
Him: I was only joking you silly sausage.
Me: silly what?
Him: I mean you are not even my type!
Me: What is your type?
Him: Well I like big strong-
Me: Never mind. I don't care.
Him: We could have a drink if you like?
Me: I'm married...
Him: Happily? Could be a ruse?
Me: No ruse. I'm proper in love.... with a woman.... Tits and everything!
Him: Hmmmm. Well you know where I am if you change your mind.
Me: No I don't.
Him: I actually live just-
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him:.......
Me:.......
Him: I live just off ba-
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him: sir?
Me: BLAH.... I mean, yes?
Him: Breakfast is at 7am.
Me: Thanks...

I will never get Gordon Browns job if people hear that I am a homophobe.

22nd July - Writings on the wall

2008-07-23T00:15:00.004+01:00

I jumped out of the shower and noticed a framed sign in the hotel bathroom for the first time. It said:

"Water can be very hot. Please be careful."

I stared at it for a while, scratching my damp nutsack. I then went on to create my own sign for any proceeding guest in this room. It reads:

"Water can also be very cold. Please continue to exercise caution"

21st July - Self raising henge

2008-07-21T23:42:00.003+01:00

There comes a time in every mans (and some women[but not many]) life where they hear those immortal words that mean that they can lay themselves to rest, content that they lived a complete life. Today was that time for me. But first, a little run up information.

02:00am - Javi calls. Unlike other times, he is not calling to whisper dirty words, he's calling to get something fixed as per our on call dutys. I reluctantly heave myself infront of my computer to fix problems.

04:00am - The same customer calls again. I ask Koulla to fix the problem but she knows nothing about networking. I made a note to teach her the basics.

06:00am - I just about fall asleep. The sun is up and as I drift off, I think about shooting the birds tweetling outside.

09:00 - 15:00 - Events so dull I shan't bother mention...

And then it happened. As I drove along the A303, I noticed diversion signs. Something was afoot: "A lorry carrying flour has overturned near stonehenge spilling its load. The A303 has been closed"

I pictured the lorry driver on the mobile to his mistress as his truck jacknifed in a powdery poof covering the age old monument in flour. If only the druids were around for it. It would have been like a scene from Narnia!

And so my life is complete. Good times. Tomorrow I might burp everytime someone mentions the weather...

16th July - Exeterised!

2008-07-16T21:53:00.003+01:00

How hard is it for a hotel to make sure that the telly's have at least the requisite 5 channels? Am I asking too much? And they are all in the wrong order! After extensive research I established the following:

BBC1 - 8
BBC2 - 10
ITV - 7
Channel 4 - 9
Channel 5 - non-fucking-existant

I went down to reception to submit my findings and the receptionist gave me the queerest of looks.

Sinisa thinks that we should allow for this seeing as thet have made the effort to give us freshly backed biscuits everyday. Sinisa is too forgiving. Just doesn't cut it, if you ask me.

SK arrived earlier to join the multitude who have to work up in Exeter. There was no room at our hotel so he checked into the one next door. He suggested that it was a bit like Joseph and Mary being turned away from the inn at Bethlehem. I pointed out the following flaws in his comparison

1) He was on his own.
2) He didn't have the son of the Allmighty within his innards
3) His room was nothing like a stable. In fact his room is quite tidy!
4) Joseph and Mary didnt have a Thai meal nearby.

Other than that it was EXACTLY like the Nativity story. I suspect that he will compare tomorrows working day like the battle of Hastings...

10th July - Gold service

2008-07-11T00:13:00.003+01:00

These days, people get angry about milk costing about 30p more than usual. Thats 30 pence! You say economic crunch and everyone knows what you mean. We all just happily assume that within a few months we will be eating our own poo and drinking rain water. So when I walk into a service centre to pick up my car and get a bill with 4 digits, I kinda want to run through tescos, drop kicking people who are hesitating before buying the bumper bag of skips and opting for the inferior tescos own brand ready salted crisps.

The car drives the same, looks the same and even smells the same! The smarmy git who took my money made a joke about having to cut down on cigarettes. Then this happened:

Me:... I don't smoke!
Him: Ya, well y'know, you can cut down on other things.
Me: Like what?
Him: Well, what do you like?
Me: Cheap car servicing.
Him: Apart from that?
Me: Robust automotive technolo-
Him: Anything not to do with your car?
Me: ..... Dead Audi sales people?
Him: Heres your keys... I suggest you don't come back to this service center.

As I left, I called him a cuntgaroo. Stupid extortionate bastard!

The office is awash with excitement about saturdays fun bar-b-q day where duck herding is the main event. There is no way I'm leaving that do without booting one across the park. Can't wait!

8th July - Shortest blog ever!

2008-07-08T16:14:00.003+01:00

Munge.

6th July - Me and the Grindstone

2008-07-07T00:13:00.004+01:00

Dear Lord. Why hast thou forsaken me? I love thine creations and thine creatures (except stag beetles. They can fuck off), and thou hast chosen for me to suffer. Why, oh Lord, why?

To be honest, having to work through the weekend hardly means that God doesn't like me. I bet I'm one of his favourites (after Ringo Starr and Boris Johnson). To be honest, all I had to do is labour with power point for a few hours. hardly like being nailed to a cross, is it?

I had "time team" (with Tony Robinson of Maid Marion fame) on in the background but could hardly concentrate on the goings on. When I had finished my presentation, I sent it to Ade for his approval. He said the following in email form:

Dear Alex,
I am writing to tell you that this is by far the worst ever thing I have ever read. I have taken the liberty to send it to the "Daily mail" so they might publish it as an article. Furthermore, I ask that you never contact me again in either a professional or personal way. You are nothing to me.
Lots of love, Ade

If the presentation isn't going well tomorrow, I may flip out and profane.

5th July - Gay pride

2008-07-05T23:10:00.003+01:00

I try to avoid working saturdays so today was a rarety. Getting up early is bad enough but when its raining, I get really cranky. At the bus stop, I concussed a waiting pensioner and used his body to keep me above the rising sea level.

I was working just off Regents street. No one told me it was the gay pride march! People are going to think my job was a ruse to have a walk around in tight pants! One of the displays had a sign saying "God is gay!" There was one next to it saying "Tony Blair is gay!" The customer commented on the suprise celebrity people coming out.

The customer got a call from his wife who gave him grief for the over running work. She hung up on him and we exchanged the following noises:

Me: What wives need is a swift kidney punch.
Him: I don't think its right to hit women.
Me: I... er... um. What I meant was...
Him: Yes? Are you saying you don't hit women?
Me: Oh no! I mean yes! A right punching whenever I can!
Him: I can't say I feel comfortable about this conversation.
Me: I understand.... You wanna go out and join the parade?
Him: Would I!? Lets get right out there and take our tops off!!! YAY!

I was on the tube on the way home (Victoria line), when I noticed a classy chick sat opposite looking at me. She smiled at me. I noticed she was wearing a wrist support. After a while, I realised that she was really into me. When my stop arrived, I got up and walked over to her.

"Listen lady, you have nothing to offer me with that sort of injury!". She looked hurt.
As I stepped of the locamotive I shouted, "NOTHING, YOU WHORE!"

In hindsight, there was probably more than a few things she could have done for me that didn't require the use of her wrists. You live and learn.

3rd july - Hecklers will be beheaded!

2008-07-03T19:42:00.003+01:00

R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S. Ridiculous. There, you happy? You know who you are! How is this for correct spelling:

F-U-D-G-E-S-P-U-R-T O-M-N-I-S-P-A-Z!

I was busy today. I'm not talking sympathy busy when people say it just to heap importance on themselves. I mean real busy. I my never ending quest to get stuff fixed, I spent several dozen minutes on the phone to far flung support engineers on the phone. I spoke to one lady in the sub-continent who insisted in speaking exactly 4 seconds after I had asked her a question. The tension was unbearable in places. This was all made better when she told me her name. The conversation was recorded for training purposes:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi
Her: Hello, can I helpings?
Me: Yes I need help with some cheap, non functioning, over-priced technology, please.
Her: OK, I am named Munta, What is problems?
Me: Well I have an issue with- wait.... what?
Her? Whatings?
Me: What did you say your name was?
Her: Munta!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: Sir?
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Her: Pleasings?
Me: Just wait a second wil you!!!
Her: OK
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: .....
Me: Ah Ok. That was great. Thanks Munta.
Her: Welcomings. So please explain the fault?
Me: Nah, you're ok, darling. I think I'm sorted for the day.

My xenophobia is affecting my professional career.

Ben called. Ben (the iron monger) disappears for months on end and turns up looking to meet up for a laugh. He is like an erant, divorced dad who turns up after lengthy intervals to see his disfunctional children who love him despite getting broken (and potentially stolen) toys from him. We arranged to meet up next week. All the excitement will be detailed here, unless we commit a crime in which case I shan't incriminate ourselves on these pages.

30th June - Come on, Tim!

2008-06-30T23:25:00.004+01:00

I mean seriously, Tim. Come on! I will not buy you sweets! Your father will be home soon! Come on! You little shit! Hurry up!

Chatter like this can only mean that tennis is in full swing. Andoni called to tell me that he would be watching Baghdatis play. Ah tennis; the rich mans pat ball!
Mids!
Obs!
Carries!
A finer sport there never was. Anyway ol' baghi lost and the patriot inside of me died a little. I hope Andoni was ok. He takes defeat pretty bad. Once, I beat him badly in Guess Who (MB games), and he defecated all over the place.

Tomorrow im off to Exeter again. That journey is getting a bit repetetive. For excitement, I will drive into stonehenge.

29th June - Endorsing Obama!

2008-06-29T22:30:00.003+01:00

Tom Tom hates me. Tom Tom isn't a person who is unfortunate to have same first and last names like a lot of Greek people. No. TomTom is computerised navigation system designed to help me traverse this great nation without fear of being lost. Or so I thought. Today, Tom x2 fooled me into journeying outlandish ways to get to Wanstead! Koulla warned me about trusting it but I did. Before I knew it, I was in a drive through Burger king in outer Mongolia! This is exactly how Skynet got the better of us in the Terminator movies. We stopped off via mount Vesuvius to throw the Tom x2 device into the lava a la Frodo in Lord of the Rings. The future is safe.... You're welcome!

28th June - Boys and their toys!

2008-06-29T01:03:00.004+01:00

Wii fit. I figure I should get it as deep down I wish I was 12 years old, surrounded by toys and cool stuff so the others at school will want me as a friend. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so. I can't find it anywhere. Andy got one and hes done nothing but bad mouth the Wii since its creation. I hope the gods of Nintendo give him some sort of ailment. Maybe a cough or something minor. Don't want him hurting too much.

In my quest for a wii, Koulla and I ended up in Argos. We queued up as Britishly as we could until we stood in front of a Sales type. Behold! A transcript:

Me: Goodwoman! A Wii fit board please?
Lady: None left...
Me: None left, what?
Ladt: None left, sir...
Me: That's better.... I don't believe you.
Lady: But I....
Me: BLABLABLA! You run your pretty ass out back and check with Chuck in stores.
Koulla: Is there really a guy called Chuck back there?
Me: Shhhh!
Lady: Sir! You are in luck. We do have one left!
Me: Excellent! Bring it forth!
Lady: There is a condition to me selling it to you.
Me: Yes?
Lady: Yes. A kiss! Store policy!
Me: It's Argos store policy to be kissed by customers fot the last wii fit in stock?
Lady: Yes. That is correct.
Koulla: Sounds fair. Dixons do something similar-
Me: Hush, my love. Adults are talking.
Lady: I'm waiting...
Me: You know what, I will wait. Kiss this!

With that, I punched the assistant so hard, it sealed one of her eyes shut. The quality of retail in this country is rock bottom. I welcome the credit crunch with open arms. I'm having more rotten luck than Gorden Brown at the next general election!

27th June - Learnding

2008-06-27T23:10:00.002+01:00

SO! Todays blog will be in iambic pentameter.... google it. It's real...

I had to do some exams today to
get accredited for something super
I passed them all because I read some slides
.... penis bum fucksicle cucumber knob

Shakespeare was a pussy.... theres the proof.

So I did the exams and it took forever so I celebrated by eating.... food.

Frosty has not left the cage forever now. Koulla insists I must have upset it. I checked my diary and I hadn't forgotten it's birthday. How could I have possibly upset it? It occured to me a little later that I had left a half eaten chicken drumstick where Frostys millet usually is..... That probably did it. I caught Koulla calling the RSPCA. I got rid of the evidence.

A little earlier, Alex (the rubberier of the Pilalis brothers) told me the following:

Alex: hey did you know that dan akroyds name is spelt Dan Aykroyd
Me: what?
Alex: His name!
Me: Why would you tell me that?
Alex: Information like this is lost forever when we die!
Me: When you die, maybe.
Alex: Why? Why would you say that?
Me: Alex....... Today you have taught me NOTHING!

Alex is a good kid. I let him say random stuff to me every now and then. It keeps him off the streets doing drive bys or busking or whatever the hell kids are up to these days.

25th June - Nom Nom communist style!

2008-06-25T23:49:00.004+01:00

Wheres your knighthood gone?
Wheres your knighthood gone?

Mugabe hung up after that. Our relationship has really gone down the pan. I'll be honest; I felt like I was doing all the work in that friendship. He can sort his own election riggings from here on in.

I took Koulla to eat out. Chinese food goes a long way to crushing any dietary strictness I had been recently following. Bollocks. Avoiding any gags about earthquakes and Tibet, I ate noodles and duck. If their Olympics is anything like their chicken sweet and sour, the games will go just fine.

24th June - Haircut! Haircuuuuuuut!

2008-06-24T17:21:00.003+01:00

I needed a haircut. I know when this happens when my sideburns start to coil into my earhole. Everytime I go, the lady asks me what I want done and I just shrug and talk to her in Hebrew. She then goes ahead and makes me look like a band member of McFly until I wash it all out later in the evening. My hair is stupid. I've said this before. It doesn't like me and quite frankly I don't like it (collectively).

Koulla didn't notice my new fangled hairdo so as a way of protest, I spent some quality time with Frosty. He'd/She'd shed a whole bunch of feathers but clearly didn't look like a teen guitarist. He/She still hasn't snapped out of the mood hes/shes in. He/She sunk his/her beak into that bit of cartilidge that seperates my nostrils. It really hurt. Jumping away from the cage, Frosty clung on, swinging from my nose. Death is too good for that Budgie.

I did my run again. This time I didn't pass out but I did vomit into the recycling bin outside my house. Annoyingly, I got it in the green one (paper and glass) when I suspect it would have been better suited in the purple one (cardboard and plastic). I hope the bin men take it away. Maybe it will solidify by the time they next come around and I can pass it off as the local telephone directory.

23rd June - My body is a temple. A temple with a big porch!

2008-06-23T21:07:00.003+01:00

Remember that bit in Rocky with the stairs and the running and the euphoria? Doesn't happen around here. I had a quick check on Google Earth for any steps in town. Nothing. I ended up running down the road for a bit. It was rubbish, really. I sort of blacked out when I got round the block. When I came too, a dog was licking my toes. The next time I go running, I'm going to wear shoes.

After feeling the burn and when the dull ache in my chest and pain down my left arm had subsided, I set about chucking the rubbish and cleaning frostys cage. Frosty has gone a bit recluse recently. I told Koulla that maybe it was due a putting down. Upon hearing us, Frosty sparkled to life and starting juggling and reciting Shakespeare. The little shit only performs when death is looming. A bit like Bruce Forsythe.

Someones been knicking apples from my tree! Im going to sit out tonight with a blanket and shotgun to catch rustlers. Ain't no man taking fruit from my tree. I texted Mugabe about what I had planned. I sent him the following:

Me: Dude, Im like you only the apples represent the election and they belong to me. ROFL LOLZ!!!!1111oneonedemocraticvoteerror!!!!

He hasn't replied yet. He did say he was busy these days. Arafat always had time for me back in the day. I miss him.

22nd June - Birthdays and whatnot

2008-06-22T23:26:00.004+01:00

My mum has two birthdays. She insists on this fact every year. One of my brothers thinks that its because she is actually the queen of England! "Have you noticed how they are never in the same room at the same time?", he says this often. I have a different theory. I think she developed a second birthday (or backup birthday as I call it) to give my dad a second chance when he forgets the first one. Either way, she only gets one present from me. A request for a second present will be answered with a jab to the kidneys. She has been warned.

Later on in the day, I got a picture text from my God daughter of herself with text saying hello. I called my brother and had the following dialogue.

Me: She can send picture messages? Shes only a day old!
Bro: Yup. shes a quick learner!
Me: Can she walk?
Bro: No
Me: Long division?
Bro: No
Me: Make pasta?
Bro: No
Me: How is this possible?
Bro: It's the state of todays education system. The priorities are all jumbled!
Me: Fucking labour government!
Bro: I know!

A discussion arose about my beer belly. It all got a bit insulting so after uprooting my mums rose bush, I went home and did some push ups. This really hurt so I drowned the pain with a pizza. I shall be fit as a fiddle within weeks.

21st June - Baby on board

2008-06-22T00:49:00.003+01:00

Been taking a blog break. The purpose is to stir up some reader tension..... or..... my fingers fell off for a bit.

We have a new addition to the family. I visited my new born Niece only to be promoted from uncle to God Father! Some of you heathens may be scratching your cynical godless heads on why this is important. The reasons are threefold:

1) The child will recieve preferential treatment over all other children. This is particularly humourous when visiting the God child with his/her siblings present. You can get them huge super presents that only work with 3 of those really big batteries and then get their siblings a Mars bar and not feel bad.

2) You get to do first dance at their wedding.... This isnt the case if the child is a boy.

3) You have the honour introducing the child to Jebus and his 6 wives and get to inform the child on the religious importance of not pulling faces while the wind is blowing.

My brother told me about my promotion as I held my niece for the first time. When he broke the news, the child did a little baby sick on my hand! I made a mental note to forget her 18th birthday present. That'll learn her.

In other news there has been some surprise results in the football. The Turks are triumphantly marching through to the semis with the Russians not far behind. It's starting to look like the Eurovision all over again.

Tomorrow we are celebrating my mums birthday. My brothers and me have conspired to give her the ol' tunnel of death. Let see if her varicose veins take the beating as good as they did last year.

18th June - There and back again.

2008-06-18T18:29:00.005+01:00

Couldn't get online last night. Want to know why? It was because I was staying in the Exeter version of the Norman Bates hotel. The dude checked me in and gave me the various instructions on breakfast. When he asked if all was ok, I replied with "please don't kill me!". The last thing I wanted to do was to pester him for wireless access details. Ade and Sini were scared too. Ade texted me in the middle of the night to ask if he could bunk up with me. I told him that I had already propped the furniture against the door so no one could force entry. I heard him cry throughout the night down the corridor.

Last night, we discussed our forthcoming meetings and I suggested that we should randomly shout out "YEAH, YOU KNOW ME!" for not particular reason other than it rhymed with other stuff. The others were well enthused. I looked forward all day to that happening. When the opportunity finally arose, Sini, Ade and Sophie all stared tight lipped. Not wanting to look stupid, I ended up writing the key words in my notepad and flashed it around at intervals. I called the others disappointments and declared our friendships as over!

When I got home, I noticed that Koulla had applied nail varnish to our trans-gender budgie, Frosty. It was all a bit confusing. I decided not to question it as it was a good look. Tomorrow, I may weave Frostys hair/feathers.

16th June - Mileage!

2008-06-16T21:06:00.003+01:00

I am driving everywhere! Carbon footprint? Carbon fuckprint more like! I think I am single handedly destroying the planet with amount of miles im doing. Just to annoy Mother Nature (the whore that she is) I drove back from Reading with the car on turbo. I figure I should make up for the miles that the Shell tanker drivers are not doing. Apparently, the Saudis have increased their oil output to meet rising demand. I've emailed King Abdullah to just pump it all straight into the bin outside my home. I'm expecting his reply any second now. Knowing him, it will just be a Youtube clip with "LOL" written in the subject field.

Good on the Turks and their win yesterday. I figure that in the interest of peace and love, I will support them for the rest of the tournament. If Sini asks, I'm supporting Croatia. He demands support all the time. I'm with him tomorrow in Exeter, again. I might make him feel uncomfortable by winking at him during meetings.

Mugabe texted me a little earlier. Said he wanted to play Minesweeper on MSN. I told him I was busy. That guy is so needy.

14th June - It's all Greek to me!

2008-06-15T00:59:00.003+01:00

The next time someone says that to me as an indication that they've not understood what i've said/written/gesticulated, I will start throwing punches. Seriously, you cunt, it's not original or funny. Make other cultural references about being greek.

So yes, Greece are out. More surprising, was when whilst looking at papers on sale in the co-op, I saw the bint that was evicted from big brother on the front with little on! She wasted no time!
I continued with my shopping absent mindedly. I ended up buying Findus crispy pancakes, cotton buds and oven chips. Koulla asked me to get none of them. She sent me back to the shops with a list written in capital letters.

13th June - No ball games!

2008-06-13T15:42:00.004+01:00

Catching me unawares, Graham flicked my right bollock today. It made me cough for minutes! The dull throbbing has only just started to subside! I think friendships should survive the odd bollock flick. Lord knows I've given his nuts the odd jab when he least expects it! I guess we should stop doing it in front of our wives. It would be really odd if they started doing the female equivalent to each other!

Dad kindly came over to do some gardening while I was at work. When I got home, I inspected his work and noted some fruit was missing from various trees. I texted him to let him know that I would be docking his pay. 1 pound per apple and 50p per fig. Its the only way he will learn!

12th June - EasyJet chicks want me!

2008-06-12T23:29:00.003+01:00

I missed a day! Wasn't because I was high etc. Busy business trips made me far too important for this blog.....
Actually all the boobies made me forget about it! Never mind! Back home, now and ready to go.

A brief summary on the Dam. I had the best steak ever last night in the centre of town. Afterwards, the company I was with shuffled around thinking of what to do. After a drink we all jumped in cabs and headed back to our hotel. The next morning at breakfast, one of our number mentioned that it was a shame that we didn't go to the red light district for a wander. It turned out that we all wanted to go but we were all embarrased to suggest it! I kept telling them that I suggested it before we even landed in the country but it was too late. A fight broke out and we got hotel breakfast everywhere. I may have upset an influential customer with a well aimed stomach punch. Sini went over the top and murdered some people.

Whilst queing for our easyjet flight home, I told Sini that I was going to chat up the check in attendent. She ended up telling me how her boyfriend is called "Sandro" and that all the Italian girls fancy him for it. She said I should call myself that too. I told her to ditch her square boyfriend and go out with me. She visibly blushed! Sini saw it! That never happens. Women never fall for my charm. Koulla doesn't count. That needed charm, Rohypnol, bubble wrap AND a small hammer to work that time! Anyway, Leaving the attendent, I felt good that I had pulled. No sooner had we got through security, a big Dutch cunt of a man gave me the full cavity search. He told me that I had a stomach ulcer!

The flight was full of 19 year old stoners. They all look scared. I bet they all had weed stuffed in their pants. I opened the in-flight magazine and noticed that someone had written "BUNGHOLIO" in big letters on the aftershave page. I laughed so much I shat a little.

10th June - DAM

2008-06-11T00:33:00.004+01:00

A 45 minute flight and I've got jet lag. My body is a tenous jumble of waste.

This hotel room is so big, I'm doing laps as a means of exercise! I have to get up in a bit so I shan't bother much, tonight. Needless to say there has been no whoring/smoking/clog collecting/windmill spinning and all that other stuff Dutch people do.

9th June - Deferred entry

2008-06-10T09:30:00.003+01:00

I can't remember what happen yesterday. I started packing for my Amsterdam trip and then fell asleep somewhere. I had tippex on my fingernails, crushed pringles in my hair and crude penis's drawn on my back. Koulla says she doesn't know who did it.....

Something in the news about the Chinese trying to drain a lake but then cant let it get too shallow so then trying to put water back in! I hope someone is filming it and puts some Benny Hill music with it all. You crazy Chinese with your fireworks and Kung Fu.

Need to finish packing. Next blog should be from the continent!

8th June - So Hawt!

2008-06-08T23:35:00.003+01:00

Yeah! Sunshine! Woooo!

And the continuation of the stark realisation of my imminent baldness. Heres an equation for all you math types:

(Convertible + Sun) / Alex = Tanned bald spot

Stupid research types better hurry with a solution for my baldness. You think Koullas hanging around when my hairs all gone? Forget it! If I was Patrick Stewart then maybe she'd stick around but I'm not. And no wigs! Wigs are stupid.

When we go on long journeys, we play Ipod lottery. We plug it up to my car stereo and take it in turns to pick a song during the shuffle. It was all going well until I crossed the river. Whilst traversing the seedy part of Mile end, Koulla puts on "Club Tropicana".
Like I wasn't having enough of a problem trying to look manly with that blaring out in glorious audi symphony. I hate myself.

Dennis Quaid is on the telly. I always thought of him as a shit Harrison Ford....

7th June - Special birthday edition not pending

2008-06-07T18:43:00.004+01:00

It's a month old! I must deserve something!

Today we got all capitalist and shopped. I was alarmed to notice whilst in the shop that Koulla looked a bit rough. Upon questioning she told me she hadn't bothered putting any make up on! The verbal exchange went a little like this:

Me: You look different...
Her: I didn't put any make up on.
Me: Why not?
Her: didn't really need to.
Me: Yeah you did.
Her: Excuse me?
Me: Excuse you!
Her: Whats wrong with not wearing make up once in a while.
Me: It upsets me!
Her: It's not that bad. Don't be horrible.
Me: Let your hair down for a sec...

Me: Oh God! Enough! My eyes!!!!

I put a bag on her head for the remainder of the trip. I detracted her thinking from my verbal abuse by explaining the implications of the rising cost of oil. I think she now grasps world economics enough to understand that it is essential that she keeps putting makeup on....

In other news, Hilary is backing Obama. Now that she has got more time on her hand, I think I might give her a call about a game of squash sometime. I rekon her ankles are not up to the task. It should be an easy win. I remember giving Patrick Moore a game when he finished doing Gamesmaster. An easy win for me.

I still think Patrick Moore will outlive Maggie Thatcher. I might do a bet, tomorrow.

6th june - Lord of the (fruit) Flies

2008-06-06T22:49:00.002+01:00

Theres a corpse in my house. There must be! Theres like a thousand fruit flies in my living room? "Where did they come from?" I asked Koulla. "Fruit?", she replied.

It's like living with miss Marple with a hot bum.

Didn't watch big brother tonight. Koulla and I went with my parents to dinner. Dad chastised me for talking with my mouth full and having elbows on the table. If Dad was a catholic he would have made me do hail marys or some shit like that. He made me do the secular equivalent. 50 pushups right there in the restaurant.

They detonated that old world war II bomb in east London, today. If I was Al Qaeda, I wouldn't bother making bombs and all that, I would get a job at the London buildings planning office and commision lots of new buildings. Eventually, a digger is bound to go through something properly and set it off. Thems terrorists like to make it hard for themselves.

5th June - Fat Thai chicks

2008-06-05T13:56:00.005+01:00

So! It's like this. Big brother is back on telly, I finished Mario kart, I had chicken for dinner, Koulla learnt to knit, Jesus is back (again), had a subway for lunch and added Mugabe as a Facebook friend. He sure does like to poke.

I probably will miss most of BB as I quite fancy watching celebrity Guantanamo trial. I bet that bomber dude gets the chair. He said he wants to die to be a martyr or summink. At first I thought he said he wanted to be a Smartie. Rediculous, I know.

Spent the working day throwing hypothtical questions at Esskay. The best goes hence;

What would you rather be, be a man covered in hair and have 3 legs or be a pretty woman with one arm?

Answers in comment form, please.

The highlight of the evening was a text from Graham. I asked him if he would do the Fat Thai chick in the big brother house to which he replied:

"I'd do her and then I would smash that fucking cookie jar on her head!"

Graham is a genius. This is why I keep a lock of his hair under my pillow.

4th june - Park it like it's hot.

2008-06-04T20:49:00.003+01:00

I hated university. I used to get my best sleep during lectures. Sytems theory? Systems shitry more like. If I could go back and do uni again, I would do it at Exeter. Nice surroundings, pleasant staff and hotsexygirls. At one stage I asked Ade if we were actually in Latvia. He said that we were still in good ol' England. I thought my suit would make me a desirable catch, but it didn't. Next time I go there, I'm wearing a wet suit.

Ade was still a bit jumpy about upsetting the Nam vet at the service station, yesterday. He was driving quite eratically and made me nervous. Despite his degraded state of calmness, he managed to park his Juggernaut into the tightest of car parking spaces. I was impressed. I was congratulating him til he realised with horror that he'd lost his laptop. I asked him if he was worried about those Iranian nuclear power plant plans that were on it and he said he wasn't. I don't believe him. The laptop later turned up with its secrets intact. All it had on it were a bunch of podcasts and emails to the Jane Austen society.

In one of our meetings, I impressed everyone with a fancy leather binder that had a built in calculator. Ade and I spent a few minutes displaying "BOOBS" on the liquid crystal display. The customer clearly approved. I could almost taste my christmas bonus.

We headed back home. At Fleet services (nom nom), we were accosted by this villeinous sort who blurted something like this to us:

"Ere mister, you know where the girls toilets are?"

She was covered in tattoos and her daughter was squirming uncomfortably. Later on, I saw her again in Burger king with her boyfriend/partner in crime who had his top off and was also covered in tattoos. I should have directed her to the trash compactor. Do service stations have trash compactors? I made a mental note to google it later.

3rd June - You wern't there, man!

2008-06-03T22:57:00.006+01:00

Had to go into the office to pick up the server Andy had kindly built for me last night. There was a free car parking place. I slotted in that spot like a consonant on Carol Vordermans board. Unfortunately for me, this incurred the wrath of Michael Q. He strode up to me with his bristling chest rocks, ranting about his misfortune. He's never been the same since that rohypnol incident. I gave him a hug and his blood lust was sated. I made a mental note to remove one of his legs.

Ade picked me up and headed off to Exeter (again). He munged on about not having a charger for his mobile. We stopped at various service stations to see if they sold any. At one of them, I cracked a joke about being an Etonian. The bearded petrol dispensing assitant guy countered with some garbage about going to UCLA and that he gained his smarts from serving in Vietnam for two tours. Ade then said the most offensive thing ever:

"That'll learn ya!"

Mortified, we left the station and sped down the A303. We shan't be stopping there again. He seemed nice enough for an (alleged) baby killer.

Sini called. I'm convinced that he's in a world of his own. He asked me what time our flight was for Amsterdam! The dialogue progresses hence:

Sini: What time is flying?
Me: Dude! We ain't flying tomorrow? That's next week.
Sini: Oh! But is reading email?!?
Me: hmmmmm
Sini: Oh mate. My mind is in all making circles, yes?
Me: Yes.... Good night, Sini.
Sini: Viva La Revolution!

It's about time he was deported...

We checked into our haunted hotel. Ade moaned that he got a room on the haunted floor. The lady serving us was not sympathetic. Ade cried. I smashed the place up a bit which made Ade feel better. I got a nice room with a chocolate on my pillow. Spoke to Koulla who said she wanted a gift from Exeter. Rice is currently the wanted commodity in the world. I made a note to buy a kilo for her. I spoil that girl.

2nd June - Suicide plumbing

2008-06-02T22:40:00.003+01:00

Todays title doesn't reflect on the days events at all. Catchy, though?

I hate doing documentation. I feel obliged to use long words at every opportunity and when thats not happening, I type utter balls. At one stage I described an installation procedure thus:
1) open box
2) spaz
3) spaz
4) eat cake

As I toiled with the written word, Koulla lovingly brought me teas. She corrected my spelling and dabbed the spittle and dribble from my chin. I owe my success to her. In saying that, the day I get the sack is the day I accuse her of ruining me. That's how I roll.

I offered to make her tea later that evening and when I looked into the teapot she had used, I saw sticks and sticks of cinnamon. Not just a little piece but loads of pieces! I challenged her. Here is the transcript of the confrontation:

Me: Whats this?
Her: Whats what?
Me: In the tea pot! Look at all that cinnamon!
Her: Its a nice taste when theirs lots!
Me: Yes but a small piece is enough!
Her: It adds to the flavour!
Me: It adds to deforestation is what it adds to! There are Pandas looking for a home somewhere because you decided to make a tea!

I do like her tea. I'm worried that one day she might try to make a fruit salad and make apples extinct on this island!

Spoke to Zac(k) earlier. We discussed house insurance. House insurance! There was a time when we only ever talked about boobs and nintendo (in that order)! We compared our portfolios and arranged a game of golf. I saved face a little later with a text asking him to bring back the game pad I lent him.

The other Pilalis, Alex, sent me a message asking me to mention the humble cul-de-sac in my blog. Apparently the plural is culs-de-sacs. I asked him if he knew what the plural was for "a waste of space". He didn't know. If anyone knows, please comment.

The revelations didn't stop there. Andy just said it would be a great idea to have toasters in bars. He should be on the apprentice...

1st June - East is East

2008-06-01T21:49:00.006+01:00

In my line of work, there is a lot of travelling. The same applies for my marriage. We regulary visit the wifes place of birth by navigating this glorious city to get to East London. As we stop-started our way to E17, I commented to Koulla about how inefficient I was making my car work. I explained the mechanics on the Audi engine and how miles per gallon was calculated. She expressed her lack of interest by shrugging and then sticking chewing gum in my hair. She fell asleep as we crossed the Thames so I used the opportunity to draw fake moustache on her face. As I type, she still has not noticed.

I impressed the in-laws with stories of my importance. I told them that the world economy would cease if I stopped doing my thing. My mother in law stared at me blankly and then calmly said the following to her daughter:

"If you left him, you would be a lot happier!"

Koulla agreed. I sulked for the remainder of our visit.

We got home and I continued my petulance by playing Mario Kart. In a nail biting race, Koulla calmly stepped in front of me, messing up my rankings and earning me the silver medal. It's bad enough trying to play with our gender confused budgie picking wax out of my ear without the wife ruining what good times I have left in my life! I expressed my anger by urinating in her new Cath Kidston bag. Pointless artefact made out of waterproof table cloth!

Andy said I should forgive her and that women don't understand the complexities of computer games. As if reading Andy's mind, Koulla brought me a tea. At this stage, I considered that she wasn't a bad person and does care for me. That was until I realised the tea was made with cold water. There are Columbian slum inhabitants living a better life than me.

31st May - A quiz too far!

2008-05-31T22:41:00.005+01:00

I'm expanding. Date headings are so Adrian Mole. Read on.

All of my clothes is gathered in an untidy pile. I took me ages to find a decent pair of pants. Once our new wardrobes are done, I made a vow to invest in some trendy pants. I thought that with my new health concious lifestyle (zero exercises undertaken since announced), I deserved some pants to go with my washboard stomach.

Dad came over to help with some more wardrobe assembly. We watched karate kid as we put drawers together. Dad remarked about the engineering involved in something as simple as cupboards. I stifled a yawn. I sat on a tube of glue and got glue everywhere. He shook his head in disappointment and said the following:

"Son, It's things like this that make me glad that I am not your natural father"

Still not quite sure what he means. He's such a mystery, my dad.

After he left, I decided to cut my front hedge. After all this time that I thought it was with one of my brothers but it was actually sat in my utility room (note: utility room has nothing to do with Batman). After accusing ALL my brothers of stealing it, Karma came around and made me slice through the wire. The fuse in the house tripped and now I have to rewire it. I finished the rest of the hedge with my teeth. I took a while.

Leaaving Koulla to be looked after by the TV, I dashed to the school quiz which Kyp kindly invited me to. They expected big things from me as I have hundreds of history books lying around. None of them actually know that I do not read them and that I only look at the pictures. I hoped that there were questions on Transformers (the cartoon, not the electrical thingie). I'm a national expert on this subject. Unfortunately we went on to lost the quiz. I overuled Maria on a question about Jack Chirac which she had correct. She stabbed me in the arm with a pen when the answers were read out.
Although the quiz was good spirited, losing never did wash well with the Michael brothers. Kyp threw several cans of coke at the winning team. Hell broke loose. At one point I stumbled on a severed arm! When I heard the sirens, I made a hasty exit. I hope none of my friends get locked up.

Tomorrow we are visiting the in-laws. I plan to talk in jive speak for the entire visit.

30th May

2008-05-30T11:03:00.002+01:00

She finally did it. Koulla went to see Sex and the city. She offered to tell me what happened in the film when she got home but I threatened to swallow my own tongue. I'm glad she enjoyed it. It would make a happy contrast to the day when she discovered the liquid nitrogen in her bottle of facial scrub.

Today the house was turned upside down as my dad attempted to assemble the newly delivered wardrobes as I worked in my office. He made such a racket at one point, I had to tazer him into silence. He still had spazmodic twitching when he left the house. Mum called to thank me a few hours later.

After half heartedly cleaning some of the mess, I headed to the cinema to meet up with the Pilalis boys to watch the new instalment of the Indiana Jones movie. I hope im still as active as doctor Jones when I reach his age. Alex kept getting text messages throughout the movie. It looked like he was texting a friend the various scenes in the film. I thought about reporting him for video piracy but then decided that he was no real threat to movie industry. Instead I knocked all his popcorn to the floor and gave him a wedgie. That'll learn him.

The cinema was awash with groups of ladies milling around , waiting for their showing of sex and the city. They all queued for diet cokes and nachos, complimenting each others mascara.
"All of you just shut up and start kissing!", I shouted. Women never listen. I resent them for that. One of them actually dressed up like one that Carrie sort. I punched her repeatedly until she coughed up blood. The security guard agreed with me when I told him that she'd deserved it.

When I got home, Koulla was still up watching Jonathan Ross interview John Barrowman (that's right, him again!). Some dialogue ensued. See below:

K: He's gay, you know?
Me: Marvelous, put the kettle on.
K: I bet he would fancy me, if he met me.
Me: Yeah me too.
K: Really?
Me: Yup... TEA!!!!!!!
K: What because of my looks?
Me: Yes. ONE SUGAR!
K: You think he goes for my type?
Me: YES! You have man like qualities. I WANT A TEA!!!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my tea. My marriage is riddled with disappointments like that.

29th May

2008-05-29T23:17:00.004+01:00

This morning, I had breakfast with Sophie, Ade and Sini in the hotel. Ade made me re-arrange my bacon and scrambled eggs into a set of balls and knob. It took a while but I achieved my goal and triumphantly showed my work to my peers. The breakfast waitress looked on in a disgusted fashion. I doubt that I will be able to stay here again.

Back in my room, I put on my favourite suit, ready for the plethora of meetings we had. I pulled on the matching socks and was horrified when I realised that they were Koullas tiny little socks. I had no choice. I had to wear them and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't like I was wearing her stockings! Koulla has stupid small feet. I felt odd in those tiny bits of material.

Alot of the meetings required no input from Sini and I. I stiffled yawns throughout which must have looked like I had been crying to the customer. Sini actually nodded off. His unprofessionalism made me sick. I noticed that Sophie was scribbling notes all day. I suspected that there was nothing of value on the pad. I leaned over to see what it was she was writing and I realised with shock that she was drawing a design for a super computer not unlike the one Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) does in Super man 3.

The drive home was horrible. There was traffic and rain. Sinisa taught us a folk love song in Serbo-Croatian. It was about loving some chick called Natalie. After we got bored with that song, I asked him to teach us "Club Tropicana" in his language. He refused. Ade and I were both disappointed. We stopped at Fleet services to get a Burger king. We must have looked like travelling salesman all dressed smart, eating fast food.

When we finally got home, Ade and Sini came in for a cup of tea. They argued over who was being more horrible to each other that day. The long drives had made us stir crazy. I half expected it to escalate to violence. Sinisa commented on Koullas hair looking nice. She beamed with pride and thanked him for the compliment. I rolled my eyes and suggested that it was only because she had combed it for a change. Ade and Sini shuffled uncomfortably as she countered with a trivial fact about me being fat. I'm not fat. It's fucking muscle! I told her so. Tomorrow I start a vigorous excercise regime.

28th May

2008-05-28T15:57:00.004+01:00

I awoke in my own bed, which is a rediculous thing to say seeing as it was the bed I fell asleep in. I was working from home. The petrol squeeze made this a viable option, especially since I had to go to Exeter later. I told Koulla about this elaborate dream I had about being in Amsterdam. Amsterdam in dream land isn't canals, flowers and red lights, It was a fairground on streatham common. Bizarre, I know. Instead of wanting to go on rides which only charged dream money (euros), I ran around looking for a meeting. I finished telling the story and Koulla looked at me as if I was a 5 year old confessing to spilling milk on the table. I got out of bed to get on with my work.

My cupboards got delivered today. Big flatpacked monstrosities which barely fit into the room. There were two delivery guys who kept grunting as they put stuff in the house. How unoriginal. I suppose if they started oinking or mooing, I would have got a little upset so I put up with the grunting. The gruntier of the two men was bald. He looked just like the priest baddy out of "the Mummy". I laughed when he asked me to sign the acceptance form. I laughed because I thought about signing my name in Hieroglyphics and I pictured his reaction. I just put my normal name. As it turned out, I was missing a bag of screws. I imagine Mummy-man needed it to complete some Egyptian ritual or some shit like that. The MFI guy on the phone insisted that it was an honest mistake. I'm on to them.

Ade and Sini turned up for our road trip to Exeter. Three grown men talking about picking up chicks in another town (city) when in fact we had a completely unglamourous meeting the next day. We agreed to go in my car. Poor Sinisa was crammed into the back seat for 4 hours as we toiled our way through traffic to Exeter. I thought about my nice new tyres being worn away by the ungrateful road. I asked Sinisa to spread his weight on the back seat. I did not need any uneven wear on my new spangly tyres.

The hotel is a plush dive. Somehow we got upgraded to "enviable" rooms. This is what the lady called it; "enviable". Ade made a joke about putting Sinisa in an "Unenviable" room. The lady checking us in didn't laugh. I called Koulla to tell her how great the hotel room was. She instructed me steal shower caps and stuff. She didn't want the iron this time. She doesn't want for much.

27th May

2008-05-27T14:20:00.001+01:00

I needed tyres, today. In fact, i'm pretty sure I needed them for a while. I had noticed a bumpety bump bump as I had been driving for a few weeks now. I thought it was a small dogs skull under one of the wheels but upon inspection, it became apparent that my car was a health hazard. Tyres are never cheap and today was no exception. When I was told the price to have them all changed I did the following:

1) Grabbed the Kwik Fit by his stupid face and demanded to see the manager.
2) Released the managers face and agreed to pay the requested price to avoid further problems.
3) Stole a pen from their front desk.

To my dismay, my car did not move any faster with the new tyres. I had a similar problem when I was younger when mum bought me new trainers. I common myth.

So the parents are back and I saw fit to pay them a visit. Dad has let his hair grow and with his silly old mans tan, he looks like a ninja monk from a bad movie. I made a note to test his ninja skills when he least expected it. Mum told me about the exciting things she got up to. After a few words I went blank and nodded my head until she stopped talking. She realised I wasn't listening and made me do lines.

After a nail biting apprentice which made me so nervous I bled internally, we went home. Koulla triumphantly led me to the toilet to show me the magazine basket she got. Mortified I leafed through the glossy abortions looking for something that I could read whilst wan- toiletising. Not a single marvel comic/history mag/booklet on post natal depression. Rather than cause a fuss, I picked up a copy of heat and frantically looked for flesh. Not one side boob. I am defeated.

Koulla has started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" to almost every question I ask her. She says that it is honour of the forthcoming Sex and the city movie. After the 3rd time of saying it, she passed out cold on the floor. Odd. I never expected that jamming a pair of socks in her mouth would have that effect. She seems ok. She says she is learning things everyday. I will test her accordingly.

Tomorrow I am going Exeter with Sinisa and Ade. We excitedly discussed what mischief we will get up to. I just know we will end up eating in a restaurant and attacking students. We are such squares.

26th May

2008-05-27T00:48:00.000+01:00

Rain rain, go away, come back here another day!

I have a problem with this statement; We used to tell the rain to fuck off to Spain. When did that stop?

Today was a washout. I think it only stopped raining briefly for that fox to come and have a dump dead centre in my garden. Im convinced that him and his mates have a contest to see who can get it right in the middle. If you look closely, you can see that they are wearing blindfolds and can hear the other foxes jeering him on. I think i will cover the grass in chilli powder and see how much pooing is done.

Not really having much to do on a bank holiday meant that there isn't much material for this blog which is a shame. As always I made a nuisance of myself in odd ways. I threw myself downstairs several times and after each tumble, I pressed my ears against the wall to hear if the neighbours were concerned for my well being. They were not. Evil bastards. After the third fall, I could have sworn I heard the lady next door say, "I hope he severs an artery next time!" Popping my shoulder back into its socket (a la Riggs), I sat next to the wife who was watching some benile program about the practical uses of cheese.

I huffed liked a bored school boy until Koulla suggested that we kill time with afternoon coitus. I told her that I would rather eat crisps. She asked what flavour and I replied, "ready salted". She hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently that was the worst insult to make. I made a mental note to say frazzles next time.

Back to work tomorrow. But more importantly, the parents get home from their extended super-bastard holiday. I've missed them but for the sake of mirth, when I see them, I will stare at them both disgustedly as if they had just killed a bunch of kittens. I hope they brought me something back. Some beef jerky maybe. Here's hoping.

25th May

2008-05-26T01:53:00.000+01:00

John Barrowman!

There I've said it. I first saw this guy on stage in Cinderella in Wimbledon theatre many years ago. I hated him then and I hate him now. Despite this, it seems that a reader is a fan and deserves a mention. Why?! Why?!

Today was my nephews birthday. As koulla and I rushed around a shop to buy him a suitable present, I got side tracked playing with toys. There was an Optimus prime voice changing helmet which looked awesome. I donned then head piece and ran around Woolworths scaring children by shouting "Prime says smoke cigarettes, you little shit!", in an autobot voice. This was stopped when security threw me out. Koulla pretended not to know me as I picked myself up off the floor from the street and dusted myself down.
I saw a bargain in one of the shops where 1 pound (sterling) will get you 6 cans of pepsi max! i texted Andy to let him know. No sooner had a I texted that I felt like an old lady calling her grandson to tell him how cheap tomato soup was! Andy didn't reply. He probably thinks I'm mocking his addiction!

As we drove to my brothers, I switched off my sat nav and followed the smell of cooking carcass to the house. It was like in starwars when 'Ol Ben tells Luke to switch off the computer and shoot manually. There are differences, granted, but not many. Food was plentiful and I only stopped eating to assemble the birthday present for the birthday boy. It was a killer awesome track type car thing. I thought about taking the present back, citing health reasons and playing at home, but Koulla wouldn't let me. I settled for stealing some colouring in pens.

During the intense calorie intake, my cousin Andoni turned up. You remember him, he let me down by not visiting me (see previous entries). He turned up dressed like an extra for High School Musical. He babbled about his course work and exams and whatnot. I'm proud of him for finishing his work and all that but when I look at him, all I can think about is the kid who was scared of an episode of home and away. You know, the one with the shark!
Super Barrowman fan and her sister were there. Between the both of them, there is enough colourings in their hair to make a carton of sunny delight! The red headed one looked like the aftermath of a sanitary towel disaster!

Tommorow is bank holiday Monday. Lord knows what we will do to entertain ourselves. No doubt they will be detailed here. On that note, I better chuck the rubbish out. A crap job at 2:30 in the morning.

24th May

2008-05-24T21:58:00.000+01:00

That's right, I missed a day! I have feelings too!

All you need to know is that yesterday, I finished my course and said goodbye to Igor and the gang. Kyp and celebrated by mooning innocents whilst driving on the M25. Do you remember what you were doing when you first found out that the M25 was a big circle of a road? I do. It was a revelation. It was like the scene in Ghost when Sam Wheat (played by Patrick Swaze) realises that his buddy arranged for him to be killed. I cried a little with this realisation (about the round M25 thing). To my knowledge, Patrick Swaze is still alive.

Today was an altogether different sort of day. For a start, I slept an inordinate amount of time. I think I deserved it what with all the sleep I lost during this week. I celebrated with a slice of toast. Koulla berated me for not making her a slice. Out of guilt, I rubbed my slice all over her face until the marmite made her eyes swell up and sting. She obviously hates marmite.

Frosty has been behaving most strangely. She didnt fancy leaving her cage at all today. Koulla suggested that it was because Frosty was on the blob. I pictured Frosty excessively moaning about her life and getting me to rub her back. Lets hope she doesn't shrink my favourite pants in the wash by accident.

I chucked a whole heap of stuff today with what is becoming a regular visit to the charity shop. As I handed over the sack to the nice lady, I noticed one of my favourite comfy tee-shirts was in the bag. I took revenge by writing profanities on all of Koullas favourite dvds in permanent marker. For exmaple "50 first dates" now declares the following: "50 first c**nts".
Here are a selection of others I edited:

Failure to Spaz
Munge in law
Love Spactually
The family bone
The sound of munge buskets
Knobbing Hill
Woman on top (I wish)

and my favourite:
Somthings gotta give (me head)

Some people would say that what I do is tantamount to bullying. Others would say it isnt. I have not taken a survey on the matter.

22nd May

2008-05-23T00:40:00.000+01:00

Today had all the day after euphoria expected after yesterdays football. I felt like I had had sex with 5 different women and then they refused payment.... Good times. I hear John Terry is still crying. Poor lad.

Driving to our course, I nearly had a car accident with Volvo which had some sort of ancient relic at the wheel. I let loose with a torrent of abuse as he nearly drove into the side of me without seeing me. It made me think how tenuous our existence on this planet was.... It then made me think that I really wanted a bacon and egg McMuffin. nom nom.

Igor wasn't saying much in the course. This bothered me. I made a promise to find out what his surname was on the course register. Later that day, I had a look and it said "Silch". I was disappointed.
There are two swedish guys on the course and one decided to pipe up and ask a question today. He opened his trap and I nearly exploded with laughter (again). He sounded like the chef from the muppet show that had just smoked some weed! I hid my face so they wouldn't see me laughing. I must be some sort of Xenophobe to find such things so funny.

Tomorrow is the last day f the course. The trainer promised us that he would by us some ice cream from the van at lunch time. When he told us that he would get our preference tomorrow before he bought the treat, Kyp and I both shouted, "SCREWBALL!". Half the attendees didn't know what a screwball was. The other half thought we were juvenile. We planned to kill that half when they least expected it.

On the way home, i noticed thatthe chelsea faithful were still trawling the streets in a daze of misery. I basked in their pain and then called my dad in Cyprus to gloat at him. He threatened to hurt me down the phone. I wished him happy birthday then had my dinner....

21st May

2008-05-21T23:57:00.000+01:00

I think "John Terry" is an anagram for "silly spaz".
After we were all celebrated out, my three brothers decided to head back to their homes. We had an emotional group hug. We realised that we had all followed United through our whole lives together and felt a bond like there should be between all siblings.... Koulla looked up from her heat magazine and muttered, "gay" and returned to her publication. Our moment was crushed.

I'm in a good mood. Tomorrow I will blow kisses at Igor and see if he reciprocates.

20th May

2008-05-20T22:55:00.000+01:00

Fkin yawn!

I fell asleep in the course today so i'm going to bed early. As I slept, I dreamt that Igor was feeding me chicken wings and plucking my eyebrows. I awoke to see him sat opposite, buried in his course notes. I fear him. This course cannot end quick enough.

United's big day tomorrow. We better get back in time from my course or I will declare war on Burma. Get at them when they are at their weakest is what I say... Cech is on tv talking about how great Chelsea are. If I ever have a run in with him, I know I have to aim my punches at his head. Theres got to be a few decent crumple zones within that padding of his.

Going bed now. These bags under my eyes are becoming offensive.

19th May

2008-05-19T23:45:00.000+01:00

Its days like today that I regret being an on call engineer. Im sat here waiting for a call from the other end of the world to fix a problem that is quite clearly been created to never be fixed. Im pretty sure that I will never get any sleep tonight. Kyp is picking me up in the morning. I may as well stay awake until then and dribble on his fine leather seats on the way to our week long course.

The course has been good so far. The best bit is when we were introducing ourselves to the other course attendees. The guy say opposite looked like an eastern european brick so it was no surprise when he said he was Slovenia. A little later, the trainer was talking to him and called him Igor! I burst out laughing and everyone looked at me. He reproached me with the following:

Igor: Vat ees iit and you laughings?
Me: I... er... nothing. It's just that its funny!
Igor: Vat is?
Me: Well you! You look like Draculas servant and your name is Igor!
Igor: I'm not undertandinks!
Me: Oh never mind. I'm sorry. Oh look! A virgin with a fat neck!

The above dialogue is not verbatim. Some words probably were not said. Regardless, I pictured Igor running count Draculas bath and testing the temperature with his fat elbows. I returned to vlan configurations and some advanced spanning tree.

After the course, Kyp and I had to do some work in west London. That passed without any excitement although I did force open the main locked gate to the site much to the anger of the security dude there. I told him that my strength could not be contained by mere steel. He threatened to call the police so we drove off.

No sooner did i step through the doorway of my house did my mobile ring and here I am sat. Still working waiting for this call. I think im making progress and maybe the customer will let me go to sleep. If I do sleep, I shall dream of fucking hammer headed sharks.

18th May

2008-05-19T01:09:00.000+01:00

Way too tired to overblog today. Needless to say, I spent the day finding a cure for all of mankinds ills. I really hope I remember the fine details in the morning.

Got a week long course starting from tomorrow. At 1pm tomorrow I intend to stand up in class and shout: "Stick your stupid information. I'm beyond all that shit!" and then storm out.
A stunt like that would have earned me a grounding from my parents, back in the day. I'm glad they are not in the country. Their discipline was harsher than a scar on Carlos Tevez's neck.

17th May

2008-05-18T01:13:00.000+01:00

Woke up with a splitting pain in my right eye. I'd slept on it through the night and it throbbed mightily. I thought about wearing an eye patch for the day. Maybe then I would get the respect I deserved. The pain soon passed and I celebrated by making bacon and egg rolls for myself and Koulla. We sat there nom nomming whilst watching saturday morning chef programs. I wish I could cook like a pro. It alwasy irritates me seeing chefs handle cooked food with their grubby fingers just prior to serving it. Why don't they just inject the patrons with Tuberculosis and be done with it.

After our feast I took Koulla to get some stuff done in town. Not wanting to hang around as she fingered and prodded a bunch of dresses/jeans/boots I went to get my car washed at the Albanians.
"You want big wash? Seven pounds! Small wash, four pounds!"
I paid for the 7 pound wash. There was about 6 burly square jawed car washers. They could have smeared shit and pickles into my windshield and I wouldn't have complained. My car looks the same as before I took it for a wash.

Zack came round and we settled down for some multi player Mario kart. Not much has changed in 17 years; we still huddle around and play games. Back then it was because chicks wouldn't sit on our laps and we had a whole heap of energy to expend. Now we play games as the alternative is stabbing people outside pubs. I russled up a bunch of hotdogs with the rolls that K brought home. I'm definately not going to be winning any healthy eating awards today, especially since I put a couple of spoonfuls of mayonaise in my Robinsons fruit drink!

After picking up Andy we headed to Johns party. Due to the weather there was nothing cooking but there was a whole heap of alcohol stacked on a table next to some post-washed socks. There was no musical chairs going on which seemed a shame. Its the sort of sport which I excel at. I pictured a panini sticker album dedicated to musical chairs and pass the parcel. I need to patent that idea.

I thought it would be funny to put a dirty dvd on Johns big flat screen for people to wander in and look at, so I popped one into the player, hit play and left the room on the menu screen. 20 mins later, I regaled party goers with what I did with much hilarity. I told John what was on his LCD when he informed me that it wasn't an LCD but a plasma screen. Panic hit me. Dashing back to the bedroom, I quickly switched off the DVD player. Too late. The screen had already ghosted. In big letters, the large (and I imagine expensive) plasma tv declared the following:

"Mr Mistress - A real pain in the arse"

You could even make out the silhouette of a penis etched on the screen and in my memory. I grabbed the others and insisted that we leave. This was a shame as we were about to play "pin the tail on the donkey".

Tomorrow we have another do to go to. I vowed not to mess with the tv or any optical wizardry for that matter. I may steal stuff if there is anything worth taking.

16th May

2008-05-17T00:26:00.000+01:00

Got to work particularly early today. Andy looked so shocked he nearly spilt his morning pepsi max. Andy drinks a lot of pepsi max. He once told me that if he didn't drink any he got severe head aches. I've googlized but there is no help groups for those addicted to pepsi max. His piss must be fizzier than a corpse in a tub of sulphuric acid.

The afternoon had me partaking in a rather long conference call with about 10 other people. I kept pretty silent throughout except when Ade made a geek joke about a type of fibre connection which is for large disatances. He called it the "intergalatic" link. All the participants on the conference call laughed except Sophie. Miserable cow.

Today was my nieces birthday so we all paid her a visit at my brothers house who kindly cooked for us. It was all going well until my sis in law smashed a glass all over the kitchen. I didn't know she was a Rangers fan. Thank god the tv was working, she might have rampaged through the house if it had packed up. My brother, Mike has been growing a beard for a while now and its starting to look really stupid. He looks a little like uncle Albert from "Only fools and horses". We annoyed him by singing the song by Paul McCartney titled; "I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert" (available on iTunes). We continued this until he cried a little. My mum will go nuts when she sees his beard. She hates them. I think it's something to do with the velcro effect. I've never investigated this aversion of hers.

We waited for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up on the Jonathan Ross show. Koulla was so tired that she fell asleep in my arms. I waited for her to be in a proper deep slumber. when I was sure that she would not wake up, I rifled through her purse and took the following:

£4 in change
3 polos
2 first class stamps
a knuckle duster.

I call this husband tax. I believe I'm allowed to do this as it has been law since Edward the 1st said it was ok. To be honest, I think I deserve it seeing as she has crushed my soul and ruined my life. Tomorrow I may make her breakfast in bed.

Tomorrow should be good. Andy, Zack and I are going to a pseudo bar-b-q type party. I might go in my spiderman outfit and rabbit punch anyone who does not call me "Spidey". I will get to see Andys Chameleon. I hope it doesn't turn pink when I hold it. My secret might be out. If it does, I will kill all witnesses. It's the only way to be sure.

15th May

2008-05-15T23:16:00.000+01:00

There are some benefits to my job. One of them is being allowed to work from home in my pants. I do this with gusto. I find that my efficiency as a worker improves 200% when I'm wearing very little. This is where the North Koreans are going wrong. If they let their workers strip off a little bit, they'd get that rice grown no problem. None of this famine bother.

My working morning was interrupted by Graham who threw a bunch of unsavoury hypothetical questions at me. Most are unrepeatable especially in a blog of high repute like this one. One of my brothers called me earlier to suggest that my blog was getting crass. If you are reading, dear brother, skip a couple of paragraphs to get to the poo story.

For those who are still with us, I went at lunch time to get a hair cut at my regular spot. Getting a hair cut bothers me. I very rarely look after my hair and I only go because my sideburns start to curl around my ears and rare birds nest within its foilage. I think the sooner my hair falls out the better. I rekon I will be a hot baldy like Pickard from star trek. When I am bald, I'm going to get a big tatoo on my dome professing the following: "THIS WAY FOR OSAMA!" with an arrow pointing ahead. That way, if anyone annoys me, all I have to do is remove my hat/wig and look at them for a bit. After a while, there should be a good bit of carpet bombing. A flawless plan.

As my hair was getting cut, it got to that point where loose hair is brushed off. Why do barbers allow their horse hair brushes to get wet? Insteaed of gently removing fine hair, it feels like the back of my neck is being rubbed by sandpaper! As a result, Instead of tipping my barber, I punched her in the kidney as hard as I could. That's how I roll!

Back home and hard at work, I needed the loo. As I sat there reading, the mobile rang. I answered. It was Mark Honky Tonk from the office. He was mortified that I answered the phone whilst on the toilet. He said it was really rude. I told him that I thought it was rude of me not to answer! He wanted me to go to Paris to do a job. The irony of being sat on the bog and talking about the French was not lost on me.

Remeber I told you, cherished readers, that my cousin Donnie was due to stay over? well he called to cancel on me. Some rubbish about having studies. My cousin has enough stories to fill a life time of blogs so I think I will save some of those stories for when I have nothing else to talk about. Anyway, as I was talking to my cousin on the phone, My Ronaldo loving budgie starting whistling whilst sat on my shoulder. Slightly annoyed, I shouted at him/her and like a dysfunctional prison inmate, he/she bit my lip! Not just a little peck either! It was a full on grab that broke the skin! My vengence will be pretty horrific. Once he/she is sleeping, I plan to file its beak away with K's nail file. Lets see him/her function correctly after that!

14th May

2008-05-14T23:52:00.000+01:00

The problem with working in the office is that there are less blogable goodies to yarn about. The few things that did happen today at work are goldies nontheless. We start with Esskay and his recent interest in boxing. He seems to be in a bit of pain from the new exercise regime. A commendable hobby if there ever was one but not when he went out at lunch and bought himself a big fuckoff tube of protein beefcake powder. This sparked a debate in the office. I had images of his bollocks falling off and all sorts of hormonal travesties happening to him. Esskay would look hot if he grew a set of tits. I told him so. In all honesty, he should be fine. Zacks been doing it for ages and he seems ok. Hes got this odd button like growth on his head but, thankfully, we are told its nothing to worry about. sometimes I press it hoping a doorway to Narnia will open. Instead of seeing Mr Tumnus pop out, he gets a little annoyed with me and threatens to hurt me. Zacks the sort of guy who hangs around macdonalds stabbing gang members. As long as I keep off his turf I will be ok.

Ade and I walked to the shop to get some snacks. There was a big guy in front of us walking the tiniest of dogs. The little dog was running to keep up with his/her owner. it accidentally got its legs all tangled up in the leads and started mentalising all over the pavement. The owner didn't notice the plight his pet was going through and proceeded to drag the poor dog down the street. The dog finally sorted itself and carried on as if nothing happened. If it could have spoken, it would have declared "That was nearly the end of me, man!". The dog was quite clearly a Nam veteran in my mind.

When I got home, Koulla told me that she was in the Garden today and noticed a mid sized pile of excrement on the grass. She didn't think it was a fox. I got defensive and said the following:
"What? You think its me taking a dump on the grass? You can't pin nuffink on me!". She reassured me that she didn't think I was doing it and that she thought it was a cat. Later that evening, the auto sensor light flicked on and upon investigation, I saw a fox squating right dead centre on the lawn. Before it could steam one out, I knocked on the window and startled it into the next garden. If I had been the fox, there would have been no way I could have shifted so quick without finishing the job. I would have been a rubbish fox.

Later that night apprentice was on. There was some sort of wedding theme to it, this week. I could feel K figiting next to me. "If you are restless, get up and make us a tea", says I as I tapped away on my DS. I could see what was coming up. She started talking about renewing our vows on our tenth wedding anniversary. I told her that I would be surprised if we made 5 years let alone 10. I could hear her crying as she made tea in the kitchen. I felt bad so I made an effort to sing show tunes when she sat back down. Women are so sensitive. Especially when you attach electrodes to their toes while they are sleeping!

Tomorrow should be good. My little cousin Donnie is staying over. Hes always a golden source of stories that I can put in my blog. Let's all pray that he does not let us down.

13th May

2008-05-13T22:41:00.000+01:00

I seem to have an illness today. Runny nose, sore throat. I told Koulla as I was getting ready for work. She asked where I got it from. I told her it was a sympathy disease for the Burmese and their plight. The news is talking about the earthquake in China. If my body sympathises with them too, I might get fucking E-Coli!

Mike is back! I shall elaborate. Mike is a colleague who was out of commision for a bit after having an accident whilst cycling in Swindon. He was pretty mashed up so it was good to see him again. He says that he toppled off his bike and scraped along the floor but his stories is riddled with inconsistencies:
I know that Mike is a flagrant communist. I envisage him getting his injuries whilst trying to slip RAF type plans to little Russian fellas. I'm onto him, though. NOT ON MY WATCH, NANCY BOY!!!!! I particularly like the scar near his groin.

Lunch time saw me buy a greek salad. As i paid for it the shop keeper shook his head in disgust and said I was pandering to the stereo type. I silently opened my salad container and threw the green peppers in his face. "I FUCKING HATE PEPPERS!". I left the shop after throwing a copy of heat magazine to the floor. A lady with a dog stood in the doorway looking shocked.

Driving home my mobile rang. It was Koulla asking me if I wanted some of her specially concocted soups for dinner. I agreed seeing as I still had the throat thing. I had a vision of her making the soup from Star wars that Lukes aunt makes. I swore a promise that if the soup was blue i would force a little bit of vomit onto her feet. As it turned out, the soup contained chicken, rice and some celery. I kept my fluids within me.

The after dinner conversation inadvertantly moved onto the forthcoming sex and the city movie. K thinks I should watch it with her and in return she will watch Indiana Jones and the last hip replacement, with me. I put my foot down. If she forced me to see that movie, I would throw a random punch everytime I saw that one whose face looks like a foot. When K tried to reason with me I crossed my arms and shouted "BLAH BLAH BLAH". Thats when she calmly let me know that she put laxative in my soup. I panicked a little. She told me that I should count myself lucky as she'd run out of Hemlock and there was none at the co-op. I told her that she would be better off checking the tesco express. They got everything.

Enough for now. Lets hope this toilet visit doesnt have traces of blood like the last batch.

12th May

2008-05-12T20:37:00.000+01:00

JOY! LONDON!

Ok its not that exciting but I like doing jobs in the city. After getting on the tube, comfortable in the knowledge that I couldnt smell ciapatti flour and explosives anywhere in the carriage I settled down to read an racy issue of the metro. At Kennington, an old dude got on looking really uncomfortable. I thought about being different and letting him sit on my lap. Just as I was about to pipe up and say "'ere guv, you can sit on me lap if you wants!", another guy let him sit down in his seat. I felt guilty. I fell asleep until i got to my stop.

Walking through that horrendous 60's mess of the Barbican, I noticed there were lots of toddlers around. As I walked down a raised walkway, a little girl dressed in a balerina outfit ran in my direction shouting "IN MY WAY!". I smiled sweetly at her pram pushing mother. She smiled back. I wondered if she would smile if I drop kicked the child into the water below. Now theres a thought crime if ever i've expressed one!

The customer and I had lunch in Bonhill graveyard. When he suggested this I thought he was going to murder me but when we got there, I saw how popular a place it was for the local workers. I dropped a bit of tomato from my greek salad on a tombstone for Edith, beloved Wife aged 76.

After another days successful work, I headed home.I called Koulla who asked me to pick up some Dolmio sauce. I hate pasta so she always makes ricey bolognese for me. In the co-op, I saw the product she needed and wondered if those joke cans that shoot fake snakes out still existed. I asked at the counter. I got no answer. I tried the Spar and local shop. Nothing. I resigned myself to buying a standard jar of dolmio sauce. I got home and waited for her to open the Jar. When the seal popped, I hissed as loud as I could. Not even a reaction. I'm a shit husband.

I have to chuck the rubbish out, now. It's the highlight of my week. Organising the recycle bins is like an episode of krypton factor. last week, the bin men kindly left me a score sheet with marks out of ten for my recycling skills. I got a 7 with a little star for good effort. I really want to beat last weeks score.

11th May

2008-05-11T21:53:00.000+01:00

Sundays are usually dedicated to Christ and his buddies (except Judas who didn't play nice), but this Sunday was dedicated Alex Ferguson and his minions (players). I'll be honest, If we'd lost the league, I probably wouldn't haved blogged any more but as it turned out we (WARNING: SPOILER) won.

But before we get to the football, lets talk about my transexual pet budgie Frosty. He/she is following me around the house. It keeps dive bombing me whilst I'm sat at my computer and when im covering pringles in a thin layer of cellotape. I think it's been hypnotised into believing that its a japanese suicide bomber. Kamekaze I think they are called. I picture him while im at work, putting a bandana on and making budhist prayers whilst staring at crude drawings of the Enterprise and Nimitz. I confronted Koulla about her recent hypnosis lessons. She denied it and then made me eat an onion.

So the grass needed cutting again. So I cut it again. I thought about hiring a sheep and letting it eat through the grass. Theres a niche, I think. You cannot rent any sheep on the yellow pages! maybe you can teach one to use a hedge trimmer too.

So the football started and it was all nerves. I think I have angina. I had crushing chest pains throughout the match. Turned out that my brother had secretly thumping me in the ribs everytime Heskey jumped for a header. We decided to call my Dad abroad to brag about victory. He was a good sport about it all but said that when he returned, he was going to give me a thrashing of my life. As always, my mother will pretend that all was normal.

With victory, we all decided to celebrate with a visit to Nandos. When people say Nandos to me, I'm reminded of the childrens charity; Barnardos. I thought about all the abused children choosing from a variety of spicy sauces before they are rehoused with bitter foster parents.
In Nandos, my nephew thought it would be funny to scream as loud as he could. He did and all the other patrons in the restaurant thought it was sweet with looks of "aww isnt he cute". Deep down I bet they were all just choking on their nandos olives and nuts. Aw we were leaving, the Polish waiter said something along the lines of "Ah there goes the new Pavaroti!".
I nearly replied with; "Dude! Are you even allowed to work in here?"
As it turned out, I said "yes isn't he great? Thanks for the great service!" I'm such a tool. I die a little inside when i say stuff like that.

Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no meetings as I am becoming a liability to the company. Tomorrow I will install stuff dressed as a Clown and talking in Hebrew. If that doesn't fuck the customer off then nothing will.

10th May

2008-05-10T22:26:00.000+01:00

What is about hot saturdays that make you feel guilty if you don't do something productive? When I woke, my first thought was to spend the day half naked rubbing faeces into the walls and curtains. I then realised that such behaviour is barbaric and I put the kettle on instead. As I sat there, in front of the tv, with my tea, in pants and nought else on, I realised that if I had a monacle I could quite possibly be mistaken for an earl!

With the passing of delusions of nobility I set about the days tasks. Some of the in-laws were around later. I wanted them to feel suitably at home. The faeces idea momentarily flashed across my noggin and was then replaced with gardening stuff. There were two sacks of grass/waste that needed taking to the local tip. I thought of all the sexy types that go the tip on a saturday. I put a tie on.

They've erected an automated barrier at the tip! What for? Are they worried Al Qaeda might try and blow up the timber/wood skip? maybe they might tunnel an entrance to the Bora Bora complex from there! The security waste administrator eyed me suspiciously. For a second I thought he was going to frisk me but then waved me through with a look on his face that said "I'm watching you, you dirty filfthy terrorist!". I removed my turban and fake beard to make him feel at ease.

The next stop was the charity shop. I needed to get rid of a bunch of clothes including a sweet white suit from my pimp days. I thought about mildred at number 72 buying it for some reason. It made me smile. There was a sign on the door saying that they could not accept toys! There was no barrier to enforce this law, I noted. I put my turban and beard back on and sauntered in looking as suspicious as possible.... I left a few minutes later with a copy of castaway staring Tom Hanks for £2.50. I felt like this was turning out to be the best day of my life!

I got a text from my mate fatbaldgay Mike. He wanted to play some games later that evening. I said I would be up for it. This had built me up for a crushing disappointment a little later when cancelled on me. Not even Castaway (starring John Hanks) made me feel better. I wondered what was in that box that he didnt open whilst stuck on the island. It could have been a castaway rescue and survival kit! I prefered Big (starring Tom Hanks). I think theres a Zoltar machine at the co-op at the end of my road.

Tomorrow is a big day. Some of my brothers are coming over to watch the football. I'm going to replace some of the monster munch with asbestos equivalents. It will be fun just like when we were young....

9th May

2008-05-09T22:37:00.000+01:00

Its been a week of disturbed sleep and today was no exception. I could hear a buzzing from yonder bath room. Upon investigation iIsaw that it wasn't a vibrator on medium setting but a massive wasp looking for escape. It bounced around for a bit until it flew out of the window I opened for it. In waspese i thought i heard it say: "Thank you, sir. You truly are the king of all beasts!"
I was delighted..... until i checked my concise english-waspese dictionary where I saw that the insect had actually said "'bout time, bastard!"... I think im more of a Bee man anyway.

It was a busy day. So much so that when I went to buy a sausage roll off the shop keeper, I didnt engage him (Olaf I think his name is) at the usual banter. I only stopped working to inspect the locusts Andy had ordered to feed his Chameleon. I asked him if he thought we should put his lizard with my budgie for a few days and see if they procreate. He said no. I hope I haven't pushed the boundaries of friendship with that request. I feel like i've asked him to share my bed.

My afternoon meeting was chaos. There were two highlights listed below:

1) The wink given to me by Ade when we heard that we would have to go to Amsterdam for some work soon. I think he was suggesting (by winking at me) that we could get some nice tulips while we were out there. I personally felt that it was a god given reason for a fuckfest. It's funny how people think differently.

2) Our supplier techie guy sat next to me. I noticed that he wore special orthapaedic shoes. I felt sorry for him. I was tempted to ask him what it was like to be special but I didn't.

A special mention should be made for Don whose last day it was today. With him leaving, I no longer have an excuse to talk patois in the office. From here on in (should there be hyphens in that?) if I do talk jive, I might get accused of rascism!

After going grocery shopping, The wife and I decided to eat out in the garden. I opened the back door but we ended up eating in from of the telly. I suggested that rather than eating "al fresco" we should call it "al fuckso". Koulla didn't laugh. Tonight I will wait til shes asleep and write "SPANG" in big letters on her forehead in nail varnish. I hope she finds that funny....

8th May

2008-05-08T18:56:00.000+01:00

I was rudely awoken early this morning by koulla asking me if she should wear flip flops to work. In a sleeping twilight, I contemplated telling her the following:
"If i cut your big toes off you wont be able to!"
but im pretty sure i said:
"Why not. Its nice out".
After she had left, Frosty (our gender confused budgie), starting tweeting so that i couldn't get back to sleep. I thought about erecting a Fritzel style basement for him/her.

Driving to my job, I had to traverse some obscure A road near Reading. It stank of farm shit. As if incriminating them, there was horse poo all over the road that had been squashed by cars. I noticed that the gaps between the poo splurges were equi-distant! The road was about 8 miles long and the horse poo would not let up! I half expected to see a really thin, gaunt, pooless horse at the end! There wasn't. There was an old man with hiking boots and red socks. He looked like he hadn't pooed in ages!

I had a meeting with the customer outdoors in the sun. He wasn't twitching at all so I didn't bother challenging him to a fight. I nearly burnt the poor bastard when I spilt my tea on the table and got all his diagrams wet. I covered my embarrasment well with a joke or two about having parkinsons. I thought about looking mean and saying:
"Pay up in time or theres more than a burning for you!"
But i didn't.

Peter and Jordan is on TV later on. I've decided to eat my own sock rather than the fish dinner thats being cooked right now. I doubt if K will notice. She will be too fixated on Jordans munge buskets!

Tomorrow is office time for me. I think I have another meeting to preside over. I feel like Bobby Ewing. I might stand up during the meeting and shout "OI Pam! shut it and sit on JRs lap!"
I might not. I will let you know if i do...

7th May

2008-05-08T01:14:00.000+01:00

Woke up early to go to Peterborough. Im not convinced that I actually slept since last night. Apparently tiredness kills. Maybe it only kills tired people who sleep with their socks on.

Thought about licking Koulla's cheek whilst she slept so she could smell my morning breath when she woke up but thought better of it.

After a rubbish 3 hour drive, I met Sophie and Dee at the reception of the days job. I pretended to be stuck in the revolving door but the recepionist didn't laugh. I told her I was joking but she just frowned. I made a mental note to lick my security pass before giving it back to her at the end of the day.

In the meeting, I made a joke about restricted downloads, suggesting that the customer downloaded porn during working hours. Sophie laughed. Her mouth opened so wide I contemplated jamming my fist in there to see if it would fit. I didn't. Customers get funny about things like that.

Dee was wearing a striped colourful shirt. I stared at it for a while and thought I saw a magic eye image. The customer saw I was staring at Dees chest. I think they may complain about me to the bosses. I was too tired to care about the meeting.

Koulla and I visited my brother. I forgot to lend him my Wii games. I was annoyed that my nephew was already sleeping when i got there. I thought about waking him by squeezing his nostrils shut but dont think thats approved of. I really want to teach him to swear like a grown up and angry man. Again, this is probably wrong.

Went home and watched apprentice. The boss/bro called to inform me of a job change for the next day. I'm betting that the customer I meet tomorrow has a nervous twitch. If he does, I may fight him....