JOY! LONDON!
Ok its not that exciting but I like doing jobs in the city. After getting on the tube, comfortable in the knowledge that I couldnt smell ciapatti flour and explosives anywhere in the carriage I settled down to read an racy issue of the metro. At Kennington, an old dude got on looking really uncomfortable. I thought about being different and letting him sit on my lap. Just as I was about to pipe up and say "'ere guv, you can sit on me lap if you wants!", another guy let him sit down in his seat. I felt guilty. I fell asleep until i got to my stop.
Walking through that horrendous 60's mess of the Barbican, I noticed there were lots of toddlers around. As I walked down a raised walkway, a little girl dressed in a balerina outfit ran in my direction shouting "IN MY WAY!". I smiled sweetly at her pram pushing mother. She smiled back. I wondered if she would smile if I drop kicked the child into the water below. Now theres a thought crime if ever i've expressed one!
The customer and I had lunch in Bonhill graveyard. When he suggested this I thought he was going to murder me but when we got there, I saw how popular a place it was for the local workers. I dropped a bit of tomato from my greek salad on a tombstone for Edith, beloved Wife aged 76.
After another days successful work, I headed home.I called Koulla who asked me to pick up some Dolmio sauce. I hate pasta so she always makes ricey bolognese for me. In the co-op, I saw the product she needed and wondered if those joke cans that shoot fake snakes out still existed. I asked at the counter. I got no answer. I tried the Spar and local shop. Nothing. I resigned myself to buying a standard jar of dolmio sauce. I got home and waited for her to open the Jar. When the seal popped, I hissed as loud as I could. Not even a reaction. I'm a shit husband.
I have to chuck the rubbish out, now. It's the highlight of my week. Organising the recycle bins is like an episode of krypton factor. last week, the bin men kindly left me a score sheet with marks out of ten for my recycling skills. I got a 7 with a little star for good effort. I really want to beat last weeks score.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Sunday, 11 May 2008
11th May
Sundays are usually dedicated to Christ and his buddies (except Judas who didn't play nice), but this Sunday was dedicated Alex Ferguson and his minions (players). I'll be honest, If we'd lost the league, I probably wouldn't haved blogged any more but as it turned out we (WARNING: SPOILER) won.
But before we get to the football, lets talk about my transexual pet budgie Frosty. He/she is following me around the house. It keeps dive bombing me whilst I'm sat at my computer and when im covering pringles in a thin layer of cellotape. I think it's been hypnotised into believing that its a japanese suicide bomber. Kamekaze I think they are called. I picture him while im at work, putting a bandana on and making budhist prayers whilst staring at crude drawings of the Enterprise and Nimitz. I confronted Koulla about her recent hypnosis lessons. She denied it and then made me eat an onion.
So the grass needed cutting again. So I cut it again. I thought about hiring a sheep and letting it eat through the grass. Theres a niche, I think. You cannot rent any sheep on the yellow pages! maybe you can teach one to use a hedge trimmer too.
So the football started and it was all nerves. I think I have angina. I had crushing chest pains throughout the match. Turned out that my brother had secretly thumping me in the ribs everytime Heskey jumped for a header. We decided to call my Dad abroad to brag about victory. He was a good sport about it all but said that when he returned, he was going to give me a thrashing of my life. As always, my mother will pretend that all was normal.
With victory, we all decided to celebrate with a visit to Nandos. When people say Nandos to me, I'm reminded of the childrens charity; Barnardos. I thought about all the abused children choosing from a variety of spicy sauces before they are rehoused with bitter foster parents.
In Nandos, my nephew thought it would be funny to scream as loud as he could. He did and all the other patrons in the restaurant thought it was sweet with looks of "aww isnt he cute". Deep down I bet they were all just choking on their nandos olives and nuts. Aw we were leaving, the Polish waiter said something along the lines of "Ah there goes the new Pavaroti!".
I nearly replied with; "Dude! Are you even allowed to work in here?"
As it turned out, I said "yes isn't he great? Thanks for the great service!" I'm such a tool. I die a little inside when i say stuff like that.
Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no meetings as I am becoming a liability to the company. Tomorrow I will install stuff dressed as a Clown and talking in Hebrew. If that doesn't fuck the customer off then nothing will.
But before we get to the football, lets talk about my transexual pet budgie Frosty. He/she is following me around the house. It keeps dive bombing me whilst I'm sat at my computer and when im covering pringles in a thin layer of cellotape. I think it's been hypnotised into believing that its a japanese suicide bomber. Kamekaze I think they are called. I picture him while im at work, putting a bandana on and making budhist prayers whilst staring at crude drawings of the Enterprise and Nimitz. I confronted Koulla about her recent hypnosis lessons. She denied it and then made me eat an onion.
So the grass needed cutting again. So I cut it again. I thought about hiring a sheep and letting it eat through the grass. Theres a niche, I think. You cannot rent any sheep on the yellow pages! maybe you can teach one to use a hedge trimmer too.
So the football started and it was all nerves. I think I have angina. I had crushing chest pains throughout the match. Turned out that my brother had secretly thumping me in the ribs everytime Heskey jumped for a header. We decided to call my Dad abroad to brag about victory. He was a good sport about it all but said that when he returned, he was going to give me a thrashing of my life. As always, my mother will pretend that all was normal.
With victory, we all decided to celebrate with a visit to Nandos. When people say Nandos to me, I'm reminded of the childrens charity; Barnardos. I thought about all the abused children choosing from a variety of spicy sauces before they are rehoused with bitter foster parents.
In Nandos, my nephew thought it would be funny to scream as loud as he could. He did and all the other patrons in the restaurant thought it was sweet with looks of "aww isnt he cute". Deep down I bet they were all just choking on their nandos olives and nuts. Aw we were leaving, the Polish waiter said something along the lines of "Ah there goes the new Pavaroti!".
I nearly replied with; "Dude! Are you even allowed to work in here?"
As it turned out, I said "yes isn't he great? Thanks for the great service!" I'm such a tool. I die a little inside when i say stuff like that.
Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no meetings as I am becoming a liability to the company. Tomorrow I will install stuff dressed as a Clown and talking in Hebrew. If that doesn't fuck the customer off then nothing will.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
10th May
What is about hot saturdays that make you feel guilty if you don't do something productive? When I woke, my first thought was to spend the day half naked rubbing faeces into the walls and curtains. I then realised that such behaviour is barbaric and I put the kettle on instead. As I sat there, in front of the tv, with my tea, in pants and nought else on, I realised that if I had a monacle I could quite possibly be mistaken for an earl!
With the passing of delusions of nobility I set about the days tasks. Some of the in-laws were around later. I wanted them to feel suitably at home. The faeces idea momentarily flashed across my noggin and was then replaced with gardening stuff. There were two sacks of grass/waste that needed taking to the local tip. I thought of all the sexy types that go the tip on a saturday. I put a tie on.
They've erected an automated barrier at the tip! What for? Are they worried Al Qaeda might try and blow up the timber/wood skip? maybe they might tunnel an entrance to the Bora Bora complex from there! The security waste administrator eyed me suspiciously. For a second I thought he was going to frisk me but then waved me through with a look on his face that said "I'm watching you, you dirty filfthy terrorist!". I removed my turban and fake beard to make him feel at ease.
The next stop was the charity shop. I needed to get rid of a bunch of clothes including a sweet white suit from my pimp days. I thought about mildred at number 72 buying it for some reason. It made me smile. There was a sign on the door saying that they could not accept toys! There was no barrier to enforce this law, I noted. I put my turban and beard back on and sauntered in looking as suspicious as possible.... I left a few minutes later with a copy of castaway staring Tom Hanks for £2.50. I felt like this was turning out to be the best day of my life!
I got a text from my mate fatbaldgay Mike. He wanted to play some games later that evening. I said I would be up for it. This had built me up for a crushing disappointment a little later when cancelled on me. Not even Castaway (starring John Hanks) made me feel better. I wondered what was in that box that he didnt open whilst stuck on the island. It could have been a castaway rescue and survival kit! I prefered Big (starring Tom Hanks). I think theres a Zoltar machine at the co-op at the end of my road.
Tomorrow is a big day. Some of my brothers are coming over to watch the football. I'm going to replace some of the monster munch with asbestos equivalents. It will be fun just like when we were young....
With the passing of delusions of nobility I set about the days tasks. Some of the in-laws were around later. I wanted them to feel suitably at home. The faeces idea momentarily flashed across my noggin and was then replaced with gardening stuff. There were two sacks of grass/waste that needed taking to the local tip. I thought of all the sexy types that go the tip on a saturday. I put a tie on.
They've erected an automated barrier at the tip! What for? Are they worried Al Qaeda might try and blow up the timber/wood skip? maybe they might tunnel an entrance to the Bora Bora complex from there! The security waste administrator eyed me suspiciously. For a second I thought he was going to frisk me but then waved me through with a look on his face that said "I'm watching you, you dirty filfthy terrorist!". I removed my turban and fake beard to make him feel at ease.
The next stop was the charity shop. I needed to get rid of a bunch of clothes including a sweet white suit from my pimp days. I thought about mildred at number 72 buying it for some reason. It made me smile. There was a sign on the door saying that they could not accept toys! There was no barrier to enforce this law, I noted. I put my turban and beard back on and sauntered in looking as suspicious as possible.... I left a few minutes later with a copy of castaway staring Tom Hanks for £2.50. I felt like this was turning out to be the best day of my life!
I got a text from my mate fatbaldgay Mike. He wanted to play some games later that evening. I said I would be up for it. This had built me up for a crushing disappointment a little later when cancelled on me. Not even Castaway (starring John Hanks) made me feel better. I wondered what was in that box that he didnt open whilst stuck on the island. It could have been a castaway rescue and survival kit! I prefered Big (starring Tom Hanks). I think theres a Zoltar machine at the co-op at the end of my road.
Tomorrow is a big day. Some of my brothers are coming over to watch the football. I'm going to replace some of the monster munch with asbestos equivalents. It will be fun just like when we were young....
Friday, 9 May 2008
9th May
Its been a week of disturbed sleep and today was no exception. I could hear a buzzing from yonder bath room. Upon investigation iIsaw that it wasn't a vibrator on medium setting but a massive wasp looking for escape. It bounced around for a bit until it flew out of the window I opened for it. In waspese i thought i heard it say: "Thank you, sir. You truly are the king of all beasts!"
I was delighted..... until i checked my concise english-waspese dictionary where I saw that the insect had actually said "'bout time, bastard!"... I think im more of a Bee man anyway.
It was a busy day. So much so that when I went to buy a sausage roll off the shop keeper, I didnt engage him (Olaf I think his name is) at the usual banter. I only stopped working to inspect the locusts Andy had ordered to feed his Chameleon. I asked him if he thought we should put his lizard with my budgie for a few days and see if they procreate. He said no. I hope I haven't pushed the boundaries of friendship with that request. I feel like i've asked him to share my bed.
My afternoon meeting was chaos. There were two highlights listed below:
1) The wink given to me by Ade when we heard that we would have to go to Amsterdam for some work soon. I think he was suggesting (by winking at me) that we could get some nice tulips while we were out there. I personally felt that it was a god given reason for a fuckfest. It's funny how people think differently.
2) Our supplier techie guy sat next to me. I noticed that he wore special orthapaedic shoes. I felt sorry for him. I was tempted to ask him what it was like to be special but I didn't.
A special mention should be made for Don whose last day it was today. With him leaving, I no longer have an excuse to talk patois in the office. From here on in (should there be hyphens in that?) if I do talk jive, I might get accused of rascism!
After going grocery shopping, The wife and I decided to eat out in the garden. I opened the back door but we ended up eating in from of the telly. I suggested that rather than eating "al fresco" we should call it "al fuckso". Koulla didn't laugh. Tonight I will wait til shes asleep and write "SPANG" in big letters on her forehead in nail varnish. I hope she finds that funny....
I was delighted..... until i checked my concise english-waspese dictionary where I saw that the insect had actually said "'bout time, bastard!"... I think im more of a Bee man anyway.
It was a busy day. So much so that when I went to buy a sausage roll off the shop keeper, I didnt engage him (Olaf I think his name is) at the usual banter. I only stopped working to inspect the locusts Andy had ordered to feed his Chameleon. I asked him if he thought we should put his lizard with my budgie for a few days and see if they procreate. He said no. I hope I haven't pushed the boundaries of friendship with that request. I feel like i've asked him to share my bed.
My afternoon meeting was chaos. There were two highlights listed below:
1) The wink given to me by Ade when we heard that we would have to go to Amsterdam for some work soon. I think he was suggesting (by winking at me) that we could get some nice tulips while we were out there. I personally felt that it was a god given reason for a fuckfest. It's funny how people think differently.
2) Our supplier techie guy sat next to me. I noticed that he wore special orthapaedic shoes. I felt sorry for him. I was tempted to ask him what it was like to be special but I didn't.
A special mention should be made for Don whose last day it was today. With him leaving, I no longer have an excuse to talk patois in the office. From here on in (should there be hyphens in that?) if I do talk jive, I might get accused of rascism!
After going grocery shopping, The wife and I decided to eat out in the garden. I opened the back door but we ended up eating in from of the telly. I suggested that rather than eating "al fresco" we should call it "al fuckso". Koulla didn't laugh. Tonight I will wait til shes asleep and write "SPANG" in big letters on her forehead in nail varnish. I hope she finds that funny....
Thursday, 8 May 2008
8th May
I was rudely awoken early this morning by koulla asking me if she should wear flip flops to work. In a sleeping twilight, I contemplated telling her the following:
"If i cut your big toes off you wont be able to!"
but im pretty sure i said:
"Why not. Its nice out".
After she had left, Frosty (our gender confused budgie), starting tweeting so that i couldn't get back to sleep. I thought about erecting a Fritzel style basement for him/her.
Driving to my job, I had to traverse some obscure A road near Reading. It stank of farm shit. As if incriminating them, there was horse poo all over the road that had been squashed by cars. I noticed that the gaps between the poo splurges were equi-distant! The road was about 8 miles long and the horse poo would not let up! I half expected to see a really thin, gaunt, pooless horse at the end! There wasn't. There was an old man with hiking boots and red socks. He looked like he hadn't pooed in ages!
I had a meeting with the customer outdoors in the sun. He wasn't twitching at all so I didn't bother challenging him to a fight. I nearly burnt the poor bastard when I spilt my tea on the table and got all his diagrams wet. I covered my embarrasment well with a joke or two about having parkinsons. I thought about looking mean and saying:
"Pay up in time or theres more than a burning for you!"
But i didn't.
Peter and Jordan is on TV later on. I've decided to eat my own sock rather than the fish dinner thats being cooked right now. I doubt if K will notice. She will be too fixated on Jordans munge buskets!
Tomorrow is office time for me. I think I have another meeting to preside over. I feel like Bobby Ewing. I might stand up during the meeting and shout "OI Pam! shut it and sit on JRs lap!"
I might not. I will let you know if i do...
"If i cut your big toes off you wont be able to!"
but im pretty sure i said:
"Why not. Its nice out".
After she had left, Frosty (our gender confused budgie), starting tweeting so that i couldn't get back to sleep. I thought about erecting a Fritzel style basement for him/her.
Driving to my job, I had to traverse some obscure A road near Reading. It stank of farm shit. As if incriminating them, there was horse poo all over the road that had been squashed by cars. I noticed that the gaps between the poo splurges were equi-distant! The road was about 8 miles long and the horse poo would not let up! I half expected to see a really thin, gaunt, pooless horse at the end! There wasn't. There was an old man with hiking boots and red socks. He looked like he hadn't pooed in ages!
I had a meeting with the customer outdoors in the sun. He wasn't twitching at all so I didn't bother challenging him to a fight. I nearly burnt the poor bastard when I spilt my tea on the table and got all his diagrams wet. I covered my embarrasment well with a joke or two about having parkinsons. I thought about looking mean and saying:
"Pay up in time or theres more than a burning for you!"
But i didn't.
Peter and Jordan is on TV later on. I've decided to eat my own sock rather than the fish dinner thats being cooked right now. I doubt if K will notice. She will be too fixated on Jordans munge buskets!
Tomorrow is office time for me. I think I have another meeting to preside over. I feel like Bobby Ewing. I might stand up during the meeting and shout "OI Pam! shut it and sit on JRs lap!"
I might not. I will let you know if i do...
7th May
Woke up early to go to Peterborough. Im not convinced that I actually slept since last night. Apparently tiredness kills. Maybe it only kills tired people who sleep with their socks on.
Thought about licking Koulla's cheek whilst she slept so she could smell my morning breath when she woke up but thought better of it.
After a rubbish 3 hour drive, I met Sophie and Dee at the reception of the days job. I pretended to be stuck in the revolving door but the recepionist didn't laugh. I told her I was joking but she just frowned. I made a mental note to lick my security pass before giving it back to her at the end of the day.
In the meeting, I made a joke about restricted downloads, suggesting that the customer downloaded porn during working hours. Sophie laughed. Her mouth opened so wide I contemplated jamming my fist in there to see if it would fit. I didn't. Customers get funny about things like that.
Dee was wearing a striped colourful shirt. I stared at it for a while and thought I saw a magic eye image. The customer saw I was staring at Dees chest. I think they may complain about me to the bosses. I was too tired to care about the meeting.
Koulla and I visited my brother. I forgot to lend him my Wii games. I was annoyed that my nephew was already sleeping when i got there. I thought about waking him by squeezing his nostrils shut but dont think thats approved of. I really want to teach him to swear like a grown up and angry man. Again, this is probably wrong.
Went home and watched apprentice. The boss/bro called to inform me of a job change for the next day. I'm betting that the customer I meet tomorrow has a nervous twitch. If he does, I may fight him....
Thought about licking Koulla's cheek whilst she slept so she could smell my morning breath when she woke up but thought better of it.
After a rubbish 3 hour drive, I met Sophie and Dee at the reception of the days job. I pretended to be stuck in the revolving door but the recepionist didn't laugh. I told her I was joking but she just frowned. I made a mental note to lick my security pass before giving it back to her at the end of the day.
In the meeting, I made a joke about restricted downloads, suggesting that the customer downloaded porn during working hours. Sophie laughed. Her mouth opened so wide I contemplated jamming my fist in there to see if it would fit. I didn't. Customers get funny about things like that.
Dee was wearing a striped colourful shirt. I stared at it for a while and thought I saw a magic eye image. The customer saw I was staring at Dees chest. I think they may complain about me to the bosses. I was too tired to care about the meeting.
Koulla and I visited my brother. I forgot to lend him my Wii games. I was annoyed that my nephew was already sleeping when i got there. I thought about waking him by squeezing his nostrils shut but dont think thats approved of. I really want to teach him to swear like a grown up and angry man. Again, this is probably wrong.
Went home and watched apprentice. The boss/bro called to inform me of a job change for the next day. I'm betting that the customer I meet tomorrow has a nervous twitch. If he does, I may fight him....
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