I'm expanding. Date headings are so Adrian Mole. Read on.
All of my clothes is gathered in an untidy pile. I took me ages to find a decent pair of pants. Once our new wardrobes are done, I made a vow to invest in some trendy pants. I thought that with my new health concious lifestyle (zero exercises undertaken since announced), I deserved some pants to go with my washboard stomach.
Dad came over to help with some more wardrobe assembly. We watched karate kid as we put drawers together. Dad remarked about the engineering involved in something as simple as cupboards. I stifled a yawn. I sat on a tube of glue and got glue everywhere. He shook his head in disappointment and said the following:
"Son, It's things like this that make me glad that I am not your natural father"
Still not quite sure what he means. He's such a mystery, my dad.
After he left, I decided to cut my front hedge. After all this time that I thought it was with one of my brothers but it was actually sat in my utility room (note: utility room has nothing to do with Batman). After accusing ALL my brothers of stealing it, Karma came around and made me slice through the wire. The fuse in the house tripped and now I have to rewire it. I finished the rest of the hedge with my teeth. I took a while.
Leaaving Koulla to be looked after by the TV, I dashed to the school quiz which Kyp kindly invited me to. They expected big things from me as I have hundreds of history books lying around. None of them actually know that I do not read them and that I only look at the pictures. I hoped that there were questions on Transformers (the cartoon, not the electrical thingie). I'm a national expert on this subject. Unfortunately we went on to lost the quiz. I overuled Maria on a question about Jack Chirac which she had correct. She stabbed me in the arm with a pen when the answers were read out.
Although the quiz was good spirited, losing never did wash well with the Michael brothers. Kyp threw several cans of coke at the winning team. Hell broke loose. At one point I stumbled on a severed arm! When I heard the sirens, I made a hasty exit. I hope none of my friends get locked up.
Tomorrow we are visiting the in-laws. I plan to talk in jive speak for the entire visit.
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Friday, 30 May 2008
30th May
She finally did it. Koulla went to see Sex and the city. She offered to tell me what happened in the film when she got home but I threatened to swallow my own tongue. I'm glad she enjoyed it. It would make a happy contrast to the day when she discovered the liquid nitrogen in her bottle of facial scrub.
Today the house was turned upside down as my dad attempted to assemble the newly delivered wardrobes as I worked in my office. He made such a racket at one point, I had to tazer him into silence. He still had spazmodic twitching when he left the house. Mum called to thank me a few hours later.
After half heartedly cleaning some of the mess, I headed to the cinema to meet up with the Pilalis boys to watch the new instalment of the Indiana Jones movie. I hope im still as active as doctor Jones when I reach his age. Alex kept getting text messages throughout the movie. It looked like he was texting a friend the various scenes in the film. I thought about reporting him for video piracy but then decided that he was no real threat to movie industry. Instead I knocked all his popcorn to the floor and gave him a wedgie. That'll learn him.
The cinema was awash with groups of ladies milling around , waiting for their showing of sex and the city. They all queued for diet cokes and nachos, complimenting each others mascara.
"All of you just shut up and start kissing!", I shouted. Women never listen. I resent them for that. One of them actually dressed up like one that Carrie sort. I punched her repeatedly until she coughed up blood. The security guard agreed with me when I told him that she'd deserved it.
When I got home, Koulla was still up watching Jonathan Ross interview John Barrowman (that's right, him again!). Some dialogue ensued. See below:
K: He's gay, you know?
Me: Marvelous, put the kettle on.
K: I bet he would fancy me, if he met me.
Me: Yeah me too.
K: Really?
Me: Yup... TEA!!!!!!!
K: What because of my looks?
Me: Yes. ONE SUGAR!
K: You think he goes for my type?
Me: YES! You have man like qualities. I WANT A TEA!!!!!
Needless to say, I didn't get my tea. My marriage is riddled with disappointments like that.
Today the house was turned upside down as my dad attempted to assemble the newly delivered wardrobes as I worked in my office. He made such a racket at one point, I had to tazer him into silence. He still had spazmodic twitching when he left the house. Mum called to thank me a few hours later.
After half heartedly cleaning some of the mess, I headed to the cinema to meet up with the Pilalis boys to watch the new instalment of the Indiana Jones movie. I hope im still as active as doctor Jones when I reach his age. Alex kept getting text messages throughout the movie. It looked like he was texting a friend the various scenes in the film. I thought about reporting him for video piracy but then decided that he was no real threat to movie industry. Instead I knocked all his popcorn to the floor and gave him a wedgie. That'll learn him.
The cinema was awash with groups of ladies milling around , waiting for their showing of sex and the city. They all queued for diet cokes and nachos, complimenting each others mascara.
"All of you just shut up and start kissing!", I shouted. Women never listen. I resent them for that. One of them actually dressed up like one that Carrie sort. I punched her repeatedly until she coughed up blood. The security guard agreed with me when I told him that she'd deserved it.
When I got home, Koulla was still up watching Jonathan Ross interview John Barrowman (that's right, him again!). Some dialogue ensued. See below:
K: He's gay, you know?
Me: Marvelous, put the kettle on.
K: I bet he would fancy me, if he met me.
Me: Yeah me too.
K: Really?
Me: Yup... TEA!!!!!!!
K: What because of my looks?
Me: Yes. ONE SUGAR!
K: You think he goes for my type?
Me: YES! You have man like qualities. I WANT A TEA!!!!!
Needless to say, I didn't get my tea. My marriage is riddled with disappointments like that.
Thursday, 29 May 2008
29th May
This morning, I had breakfast with Sophie, Ade and Sini in the hotel. Ade made me re-arrange my bacon and scrambled eggs into a set of balls and knob. It took a while but I achieved my goal and triumphantly showed my work to my peers. The breakfast waitress looked on in a disgusted fashion. I doubt that I will be able to stay here again.
Back in my room, I put on my favourite suit, ready for the plethora of meetings we had. I pulled on the matching socks and was horrified when I realised that they were Koullas tiny little socks. I had no choice. I had to wear them and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't like I was wearing her stockings! Koulla has stupid small feet. I felt odd in those tiny bits of material.
Alot of the meetings required no input from Sini and I. I stiffled yawns throughout which must have looked like I had been crying to the customer. Sini actually nodded off. His unprofessionalism made me sick. I noticed that Sophie was scribbling notes all day. I suspected that there was nothing of value on the pad. I leaned over to see what it was she was writing and I realised with shock that she was drawing a design for a super computer not unlike the one Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) does in Super man 3.
The drive home was horrible. There was traffic and rain. Sinisa taught us a folk love song in Serbo-Croatian. It was about loving some chick called Natalie. After we got bored with that song, I asked him to teach us "Club Tropicana" in his language. He refused. Ade and I were both disappointed. We stopped at Fleet services to get a Burger king. We must have looked like travelling salesman all dressed smart, eating fast food.
When we finally got home, Ade and Sini came in for a cup of tea. They argued over who was being more horrible to each other that day. The long drives had made us stir crazy. I half expected it to escalate to violence. Sinisa commented on Koullas hair looking nice. She beamed with pride and thanked him for the compliment. I rolled my eyes and suggested that it was only because she had combed it for a change. Ade and Sini shuffled uncomfortably as she countered with a trivial fact about me being fat. I'm not fat. It's fucking muscle! I told her so. Tomorrow I start a vigorous excercise regime.
Back in my room, I put on my favourite suit, ready for the plethora of meetings we had. I pulled on the matching socks and was horrified when I realised that they were Koullas tiny little socks. I had no choice. I had to wear them and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't like I was wearing her stockings! Koulla has stupid small feet. I felt odd in those tiny bits of material.
Alot of the meetings required no input from Sini and I. I stiffled yawns throughout which must have looked like I had been crying to the customer. Sini actually nodded off. His unprofessionalism made me sick. I noticed that Sophie was scribbling notes all day. I suspected that there was nothing of value on the pad. I leaned over to see what it was she was writing and I realised with shock that she was drawing a design for a super computer not unlike the one Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) does in Super man 3.
The drive home was horrible. There was traffic and rain. Sinisa taught us a folk love song in Serbo-Croatian. It was about loving some chick called Natalie. After we got bored with that song, I asked him to teach us "Club Tropicana" in his language. He refused. Ade and I were both disappointed. We stopped at Fleet services to get a Burger king. We must have looked like travelling salesman all dressed smart, eating fast food.
When we finally got home, Ade and Sini came in for a cup of tea. They argued over who was being more horrible to each other that day. The long drives had made us stir crazy. I half expected it to escalate to violence. Sinisa commented on Koullas hair looking nice. She beamed with pride and thanked him for the compliment. I rolled my eyes and suggested that it was only because she had combed it for a change. Ade and Sini shuffled uncomfortably as she countered with a trivial fact about me being fat. I'm not fat. It's fucking muscle! I told her so. Tomorrow I start a vigorous excercise regime.
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
28th May
I awoke in my own bed, which is a rediculous thing to say seeing as it was the bed I fell asleep in. I was working from home. The petrol squeeze made this a viable option, especially since I had to go to Exeter later. I told Koulla about this elaborate dream I had about being in Amsterdam. Amsterdam in dream land isn't canals, flowers and red lights, It was a fairground on streatham common. Bizarre, I know. Instead of wanting to go on rides which only charged dream money (euros), I ran around looking for a meeting. I finished telling the story and Koulla looked at me as if I was a 5 year old confessing to spilling milk on the table. I got out of bed to get on with my work.
My cupboards got delivered today. Big flatpacked monstrosities which barely fit into the room. There were two delivery guys who kept grunting as they put stuff in the house. How unoriginal. I suppose if they started oinking or mooing, I would have got a little upset so I put up with the grunting. The gruntier of the two men was bald. He looked just like the priest baddy out of "the Mummy". I laughed when he asked me to sign the acceptance form. I laughed because I thought about signing my name in Hieroglyphics and I pictured his reaction. I just put my normal name. As it turned out, I was missing a bag of screws. I imagine Mummy-man needed it to complete some Egyptian ritual or some shit like that. The MFI guy on the phone insisted that it was an honest mistake. I'm on to them.
Ade and Sini turned up for our road trip to Exeter. Three grown men talking about picking up chicks in another town (city) when in fact we had a completely unglamourous meeting the next day. We agreed to go in my car. Poor Sinisa was crammed into the back seat for 4 hours as we toiled our way through traffic to Exeter. I thought about my nice new tyres being worn away by the ungrateful road. I asked Sinisa to spread his weight on the back seat. I did not need any uneven wear on my new spangly tyres.
The hotel is a plush dive. Somehow we got upgraded to "enviable" rooms. This is what the lady called it; "enviable". Ade made a joke about putting Sinisa in an "Unenviable" room. The lady checking us in didn't laugh. I called Koulla to tell her how great the hotel room was. She instructed me steal shower caps and stuff. She didn't want the iron this time. She doesn't want for much.Tuesday, 27 May 2008
27th May
I needed tyres, today. In fact, i'm pretty sure I needed them for a while. I had noticed a bumpety bump bump as I had been driving for a few weeks now. I thought it was a small dogs skull under one of the wheels but upon inspection, it became apparent that my car was a health hazard. Tyres are never cheap and today was no exception. When I was told the price to have them all changed I did the following:
1) Grabbed the Kwik Fit by his stupid face and demanded to see the manager.
2) Released the managers face and agreed to pay the requested price to avoid further problems.
3) Stole a pen from their front desk.
To my dismay, my car did not move any faster with the new tyres. I had a similar problem when I was younger when mum bought me new trainers. I common myth.
So the parents are back and I saw fit to pay them a visit. Dad has let his hair grow and with his silly old mans tan, he looks like a ninja monk from a bad movie. I made a note to test his ninja skills when he least expected it. Mum told me about the exciting things she got up to. After a few words I went blank and nodded my head until she stopped talking. She realised I wasn't listening and made me do lines.
After a nail biting apprentice which made me so nervous I bled internally, we went home. Koulla triumphantly led me to the toilet to show me the magazine basket she got. Mortified I leafed through the glossy abortions looking for something that I could read whilst wan- toiletising. Not a single marvel comic/history mag/booklet on post natal depression. Rather than cause a fuss, I picked up a copy of heat and frantically looked for flesh. Not one side boob. I am defeated.
Koulla has started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" to almost every question I ask her. She says that it is honour of the forthcoming Sex and the city movie. After the 3rd time of saying it, she passed out cold on the floor. Odd. I never expected that jamming a pair of socks in her mouth would have that effect. She seems ok. She says she is learning things everyday. I will test her accordingly.
Tomorrow I am going Exeter with Sinisa and Ade. We excitedly discussed what mischief we will get up to. I just know we will end up eating in a restaurant and attacking students. We are such squares.
1) Grabbed the Kwik Fit by his stupid face and demanded to see the manager.
2) Released the managers face and agreed to pay the requested price to avoid further problems.
3) Stole a pen from their front desk.
To my dismay, my car did not move any faster with the new tyres. I had a similar problem when I was younger when mum bought me new trainers. I common myth.
So the parents are back and I saw fit to pay them a visit. Dad has let his hair grow and with his silly old mans tan, he looks like a ninja monk from a bad movie. I made a note to test his ninja skills when he least expected it. Mum told me about the exciting things she got up to. After a few words I went blank and nodded my head until she stopped talking. She realised I wasn't listening and made me do lines.
After a nail biting apprentice which made me so nervous I bled internally, we went home. Koulla triumphantly led me to the toilet to show me the magazine basket she got. Mortified I leafed through the glossy abortions looking for something that I could read whilst wan- toiletising. Not a single marvel comic/history mag/booklet on post natal depression. Rather than cause a fuss, I picked up a copy of heat and frantically looked for flesh. Not one side boob. I am defeated.
Koulla has started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" to almost every question I ask her. She says that it is honour of the forthcoming Sex and the city movie. After the 3rd time of saying it, she passed out cold on the floor. Odd. I never expected that jamming a pair of socks in her mouth would have that effect. She seems ok. She says she is learning things everyday. I will test her accordingly.
Tomorrow I am going Exeter with Sinisa and Ade. We excitedly discussed what mischief we will get up to. I just know we will end up eating in a restaurant and attacking students. We are such squares.
26th May
Rain rain, go away, come back here another day!
I have a problem with this statement; We used to tell the rain to fuck off to Spain. When did that stop?
Today was a washout. I think it only stopped raining briefly for that fox to come and have a dump dead centre in my garden. Im convinced that him and his mates have a contest to see who can get it right in the middle. If you look closely, you can see that they are wearing blindfolds and can hear the other foxes jeering him on. I think i will cover the grass in chilli powder and see how much pooing is done.
Not really having much to do on a bank holiday meant that there isn't much material for this blog which is a shame. As always I made a nuisance of myself in odd ways. I threw myself downstairs several times and after each tumble, I pressed my ears against the wall to hear if the neighbours were concerned for my well being. They were not. Evil bastards. After the third fall, I could have sworn I heard the lady next door say, "I hope he severs an artery next time!" Popping my shoulder back into its socket (a la Riggs), I sat next to the wife who was watching some benile program about the practical uses of cheese.
I huffed liked a bored school boy until Koulla suggested that we kill time with afternoon coitus. I told her that I would rather eat crisps. She asked what flavour and I replied, "ready salted". She hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently that was the worst insult to make. I made a mental note to say frazzles next time.
Back to work tomorrow. But more importantly, the parents get home from their extended super-bastard holiday. I've missed them but for the sake of mirth, when I see them, I will stare at them both disgustedly as if they had just killed a bunch of kittens. I hope they brought me something back. Some beef jerky maybe. Here's hoping.
I have a problem with this statement; We used to tell the rain to fuck off to Spain. When did that stop?
Today was a washout. I think it only stopped raining briefly for that fox to come and have a dump dead centre in my garden. Im convinced that him and his mates have a contest to see who can get it right in the middle. If you look closely, you can see that they are wearing blindfolds and can hear the other foxes jeering him on. I think i will cover the grass in chilli powder and see how much pooing is done.
Not really having much to do on a bank holiday meant that there isn't much material for this blog which is a shame. As always I made a nuisance of myself in odd ways. I threw myself downstairs several times and after each tumble, I pressed my ears against the wall to hear if the neighbours were concerned for my well being. They were not. Evil bastards. After the third fall, I could have sworn I heard the lady next door say, "I hope he severs an artery next time!" Popping my shoulder back into its socket (a la Riggs), I sat next to the wife who was watching some benile program about the practical uses of cheese.
I huffed liked a bored school boy until Koulla suggested that we kill time with afternoon coitus. I told her that I would rather eat crisps. She asked what flavour and I replied, "ready salted". She hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently that was the worst insult to make. I made a mental note to say frazzles next time.
Back to work tomorrow. But more importantly, the parents get home from their extended super-bastard holiday. I've missed them but for the sake of mirth, when I see them, I will stare at them both disgustedly as if they had just killed a bunch of kittens. I hope they brought me something back. Some beef jerky maybe. Here's hoping.
Monday, 26 May 2008
25th May
John Barrowman!
There I've said it. I first saw this guy on stage in Cinderella in Wimbledon theatre many years ago. I hated him then and I hate him now. Despite this, it seems that a reader is a fan and deserves a mention. Why?! Why?!
Today was my nephews birthday. As koulla and I rushed around a shop to buy him a suitable present, I got side tracked playing with toys. There was an Optimus prime voice changing helmet which looked awesome. I donned then head piece and ran around Woolworths scaring children by shouting "Prime says smoke cigarettes, you little shit!", in an autobot voice. This was stopped when security threw me out. Koulla pretended not to know me as I picked myself up off the floor from the street and dusted myself down.
I saw a bargain in one of the shops where 1 pound (sterling) will get you 6 cans of pepsi max! i texted Andy to let him know. No sooner had a I texted that I felt like an old lady calling her grandson to tell him how cheap tomato soup was! Andy didn't reply. He probably thinks I'm mocking his addiction!
As we drove to my brothers, I switched off my sat nav and followed the smell of cooking carcass to the house. It was like in starwars when 'Ol Ben tells Luke to switch off the computer and shoot manually. There are differences, granted, but not many. Food was plentiful and I only stopped eating to assemble the birthday present for the birthday boy. It was a killer awesome track type car thing. I thought about taking the present back, citing health reasons and playing at home, but Koulla wouldn't let me. I settled for stealing some colouring in pens.
During the intense calorie intake, my cousin Andoni turned up. You remember him, he let me down by not visiting me (see previous entries). He turned up dressed like an extra for High School Musical. He babbled about his course work and exams and whatnot. I'm proud of him for finishing his work and all that but when I look at him, all I can think about is the kid who was scared of an episode of home and away. You know, the one with the shark!
Super Barrowman fan and her sister were there. Between the both of them, there is enough colourings in their hair to make a carton of sunny delight! The red headed one looked like the aftermath of a sanitary towel disaster!
Tommorow is bank holiday Monday. Lord knows what we will do to entertain ourselves. No doubt they will be detailed here. On that note, I better chuck the rubbish out. A crap job at 2:30 in the morning.
There I've said it. I first saw this guy on stage in Cinderella in Wimbledon theatre many years ago. I hated him then and I hate him now. Despite this, it seems that a reader is a fan and deserves a mention. Why?! Why?!
Today was my nephews birthday. As koulla and I rushed around a shop to buy him a suitable present, I got side tracked playing with toys. There was an Optimus prime voice changing helmet which looked awesome. I donned then head piece and ran around Woolworths scaring children by shouting "Prime says smoke cigarettes, you little shit!", in an autobot voice. This was stopped when security threw me out. Koulla pretended not to know me as I picked myself up off the floor from the street and dusted myself down.
I saw a bargain in one of the shops where 1 pound (sterling) will get you 6 cans of pepsi max! i texted Andy to let him know. No sooner had a I texted that I felt like an old lady calling her grandson to tell him how cheap tomato soup was! Andy didn't reply. He probably thinks I'm mocking his addiction!
As we drove to my brothers, I switched off my sat nav and followed the smell of cooking carcass to the house. It was like in starwars when 'Ol Ben tells Luke to switch off the computer and shoot manually. There are differences, granted, but not many. Food was plentiful and I only stopped eating to assemble the birthday present for the birthday boy. It was a killer awesome track type car thing. I thought about taking the present back, citing health reasons and playing at home, but Koulla wouldn't let me. I settled for stealing some colouring in pens.
During the intense calorie intake, my cousin Andoni turned up. You remember him, he let me down by not visiting me (see previous entries). He turned up dressed like an extra for High School Musical. He babbled about his course work and exams and whatnot. I'm proud of him for finishing his work and all that but when I look at him, all I can think about is the kid who was scared of an episode of home and away. You know, the one with the shark!
Super Barrowman fan and her sister were there. Between the both of them, there is enough colourings in their hair to make a carton of sunny delight! The red headed one looked like the aftermath of a sanitary towel disaster!
Tommorow is bank holiday Monday. Lord knows what we will do to entertain ourselves. No doubt they will be detailed here. On that note, I better chuck the rubbish out. A crap job at 2:30 in the morning.
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