29th August - Where in the world....

PC WORLD!

Sometimes I like to go to PC world and mess their shit up a little. Here are some of the things I like to do there:

1) Scratch LCD TVs
2) Ask to look at nice cameras and then lick the lenses
3) Calculate the tiny discount on the items in the bargain bucket
4) Swear at the security dude sat on that elevated pedestal near the exits. I don't care how high they are, I will fight them during a frisking!

Why was I in PC world? Replacing a item of computerised value in my household of course. I tried haggling them into a price war with Currys which is right next door but it just wasnt washing. Something about being the same company. Some of these marketing people are way to clever for me!

My tan from the holidays started peeling today. I told Koulla that I was gonna gather all the rubbings of my skin into a small ball and feed it to our omni-sexual budgie, Frosty. Koulla told me not to but I did it anyway. The results were amusing. Frosty all the way through Big Brother (eviction night). It began to annoy me so I gave him/her a little minuture Heimlick maneuver. To my surprise, he/she spat out a small lego head from one of my star wars pieces. To prevent future repeat incidences, I have laced all of my remaining lego toys with pepper and chilli.

27th August - Atlantis

Holidays. They should not have the threat of violent death in its bosom. Unbeknownest to me, this years mementary escapism had just that. After landing on fabled Thira, we were whisked off to our hotel whilst the tour rep excitedly told us about expensive things to do. She Thomas Cooked the following:

Rep: ...There's plenty to do on the island including visiting the active volcano which-
Me: .... er ahem....
Rep: ... which as recenlty as-
Me: I said AHEM!
Rep: Yes?
Me: Just a small thing. Just wanted to tell the other holidayeers on the coach that the volcano is, in fact, dormant.
Rep: Actually it is active. There has been activity as recent as 20 years ago.
Me: Now listen missy. You think I would come here knowing that there is a bubbling inferno under my feet?
Rep: Nevertheless, sir, the volcano is active.
Me: Dormant
Rep: Active
Me: Dormant!
Rep: Active!
Me: Now you listen to me, sugar tits, the only active thing on this island is my fist as it slams into your ribs! You follow me?
Koulla: Darling!
Me: Not now-
Koulla: But according to this detailed history of Greece book (published by penguin), the volcano is active.
Me: .....
Rep: Thank you madam. Now would anyone else like to rudely shout at me?

So that was that. I had booked and paid for a holiday on an volcano which was attributed as the cause of the demise of Minoan Crete! I wasn't happy. One night in a particularly nice restaurant, Koulla burped and I jumped up screaming in panic thinking that there was an eruption!

The only other highlight of the holiday was walking through the pristine cobbled streets of Oia. White washed walls, blue painted domes. It was a gift for any graffiti artist! I set about tagging all the churches and houses with my own unique graffiti tag:

"FLACID"

Man, I am the coolest of them all!

As we took off from the island, I watched from the plane window half expecting the volcano to angrilly burst forth like an angry god sent curse! I didn't happen. When it does, I hope the tour rep gets a bit of pummice jammed into her eye socket.

16th August - Fake weddings

Yesterday was my parents anniversary. Or so they say! I called them up to wish them well in Cyprus. (note: they were in Cyprus being wished well. Not me wishing them well from Cyprus)
My dad wasnt enthused at all with my well wishes and he knows why. I once confronted my parents about the lack of evidence pertaining to their sham of a marriage. I Hercule Poiroted the situation right up and collated the following eveidence.

1) Both of their wedding rings are made of cheese and gravel.

2) Dad never goes to church. Hes scared of them. He tends to hiss throughout services. I would imagine no self respecting Greek orthodox priest would allow a service to happen with hissing going on.

3) The closest thing to a wedding dress my Mum has ever owned was an apron with genitals drawn on it.

As soon as I can definitively prove the sham, i'm getting onto immigration and having them shipped out of the EU.

In other news, Putin won't answer my facebook wall posts. Koulla says he might not be logging on but I know that he is on the fact that he changes his status every now and then. Here are a few of his recent changes:

Putin is annoying Europe
Putin is annoyed at Rex in Big Brother.
Putin thinks that George should mind his own business.
Putin iz in ur former Warsaw pact cuntrys, bombin' ur missile defence shield!

I've poked him. He can't ignore a poke.

11th August - Holidayz

South Ossetia! Thats the holiday location to be, I think. I'm not going to Pakistan, this year. Musharaff was all "Yeah come over! I show you the sites and we can Teleban it up along the border! Sweeet as!". Stupid cholera. I was in bed for weeks! Anyway, the ol' General has some problems so hes gonna be too busy to show me around. Ossetia it is.

I can't wait for the special olympics to start. Two weeks in front of the TV shouting "JEFFY!". Good times.

4th August - French lessons

I remember school. I remember a few in fact. In one of them we had to do French. The lady who taught us French looked like an oversized Ewok. We used to get text books called "Le Tricolore" or some such. In one copy, it said inside the cover the following:

I is a rasta,
I come from Gloucester,
My name is Bertie,
My batty is dirty

A master piece if I had ever read one. Several weeks later, I got the same book which had the following in red ink just underneath.

Fuck you Bertie,
Your batty is dirty!

Sometimes I think I went to the best school in the world.

Did I mention I was in Exeter? Well I am. This time I got the penthouse room in this 3* establishment.

I was going to dedicate tomorrow to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I caught a shout out to me this morning on Capital radio. He so sweet. We are definitely going to meet up for a Nandos soon.