What have...

Tony Blair and Alex (me) got in common?

Answer: We both suffer from the same medical condition that affects the heart. I spent all of yesterday in hospital on drips and having tests and having my heartbeat stabilised. Nurses are incredible people. They had to deal with the following transcripted scenario:

Me: Ah, nurse.... I have a rest room requirement.
Nurse: OK, well here's a bed bottle, just let me know when you are done.
Me: But I'm all clothed!
Nurse: Yes you are! I'm sure you know how to -
Me: Lady, I have a heart condition whi-
Nurse: Minor heart condition
Me: Fine, minor heart condition, but I don't want to risk complications by taking my jeans off.
Nurse: you want me to help?
Me: Oh go on then...
Nurse: Your wife is right there!
Me: Thats ok, she likes to watch. It's her thing. She may take a picture or two.
Wife: I'm not going to-
Me: Not now, Darling!
Nurse: I really don't think-
Me: And as you are doing it, can you say something along the lines of "Ooooh you are a brave boy"?
Nurse: No, I don't think I can.
Me: What about all that hypocratic oath nonsense?
Nurse: I don't think he had the taking off of patients jeans in mind.
Me: Huh.... Those Ancient Greeks, always forgetting things. Fine I will do it myself!
Nurse: Good.

And that was that. John McCain sent me a get well text. I reminded him that I was not eligible to vote over there and included a smiley face for good measure. Wait til I tell Obama!

Don't speak French...

But unlike some people, I shan't let the funky music do the talking. No. I shall be hiring a French/English interpreter to make sure theres no room for confusion.

I won't hold it against Girls Aloud. They are all more than welcome around mine where I will carefully put them in a sack and give them rapid but satisfactory coitus. I consider myself a man for all the ladies.

BLOG FAIL!

Ingredients for Cheese Omelet Recipe
2 eggs
Pinch of salt
Pinch of pepper
1/2 teaspoon finely chopped parsley
1 teaspoon grated Parmesan
2 tablespoons butter

In other news, I had to stay in a castlesque hotel in Cheltenham. I questioned the receptionist about the age of the building:

Her: Its about 600 years old....
Me: In human years?
Her: Yup.
Me: Is there likely to have been any death within the walls?
Her: It's pretty old, I mean-
Me: WRONG!!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ. Answer that again, please...
Her: I... er... Chances are there has been a death or-
Me: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Try again....
Her: Are you gonna get upset until I tell you that this place is death free?
Me: Yup
Her: Despite that not being the truth?
Me: Yup
Her: There have been no tragic deaths in the building.... happy?
Me: Yes I am.

I then proceeded to remove her jugular with a deft hand swipe and then I said:

Me: Wrong again, lady. Now wheres the bar at?

We've been given parking bays not far from the office by the river Wandle. I parked there today and walked to the office with Javi. I told him I felt like "Fucking Huckleberry Finn". He didn't know who that was. He thought I was talking about the conventional green Hulk. Sometimes I think the Spanish have had sheltered lives. I made a vow to teach him all the Marvel super heroes in alphabetical order...

9th Oct - That's why Mummy has gone to Iceland

Cos she was banking over there wasn't she! Silly cow. All her money/investments got all credit crunched up! I told her that investing in Bjork wasnt a good idea she went ahead and did it. we should have seen the colapse of their banks, to be honest. Kerry katona going bankrupt should have given it away!

Stupid bathroom sink went all spaz and leaked everywhere, yesterday. Not really built for home improvements, I called apon the great god, Dizan (my dad) and he came over with a wrench looking like mario and fixed it. I rewarded him with a tepid cup of tea and the rubbish left over quality street. He told me I was spoiling him!

We had some impromptu meeting at work, yesterday. I sat there nodding sagely until I was asked a question by the big cheese. Not really sure what the question was, I got all defensive and said the following:

Me: What? I mean.... what?
Boss: I asked what you thought of the changes
Me: Well, changes are good....
Boss: Go on
Me: And goverment research shows that changes are related to happiness and th-
Boss: Not quite sure what you are on about, Alex. Any comments about the changes within the company?
Me: I like them!.....
Boss: Because?....
Me: Look, what is this? get off my back, man! You can't keep fucking with me like this! I have feelings to you know! Fucking rascist!
Boss: I er... didn't say-
Me: Yeah you did! You called me a greek bastard with all the bearded trimmings! Well fuck you and your oppression. I'm outta here!

I sort of stormed out and cried in the corridor. I know how to handle a personal crisis.

Tomorrow is an important day. I almost definitely will have a subway for lunch. I've decided that after each bite, I will exclaim: "NOM NOM!"

7th Oct - I kissed a girl.....

And I liked it!.... Actually I didn't. Her chapstick was bland, tastless and sticky. I shan't be seeing her again and I have been ignoring her calls.