28th September - Somalian pirates

I can just picture the scene on that boarded ship. Gun toting somalian pirates scouring around looking for the goods they can sell...

Pirate 1: Er.... Mehmet?
Pirate 2: Yes, Khalid?
P1: It's full of tanks!
P2: Fish tanks?
P1: Fucking tanks! Fucking boom boom!
P2: Oh...
P1: The things that signalled the end of trench fighting in modern warfare?
P2: I know what a fucking tank is!
P1: What are we gonna do?!
P2: Sell them?
P1: How?! We can't just wheel them into the market and do two for the price of one!
P2: There is a demand round our ways... we cou-
P1: Could what? Cold call the local war lords?
P2: OOoooh We could put them on-
P1: Don't say ebay. You know they stopped my account!
P2: All because you tried to sell Kylie tickets.
P1: I know
P2: (sigh)
P1: You said they would have Wiis on this one. You said that!
P2: The demand is high. Christmas approaching. It had to be!
P1: Not even a single wii fit on board.....
P2: Hey! You wanna go and shoot up the poop deck for giggles?
P1: Awesome! Let's go!

I hope they resolve it soon. Them pirates have families too.

I went to Manchester the other day. The fatest old lady sat next to me on the train. She fell asleep and started snoring. I nearly stuffed the metro newspaper into her stupid face but held back at the last minute. The next time I go anywhere with a train, I'm going first class. That way I can walk up and down the train asking if anyone had seen my mate Curruthers! I'm bringing down that class system, man!

Tomorrow, I'm going to work on my beat box skills. The annual beat-off contest is soon and I need to get some practice!

22th September - interlude

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Mushroom.

...... I think I said it wrong......

19th September - A plague upon me...

The conversation went a little something like this...

Me: Whoa backup! What do you mean crypt?
Customer: We are in what used to be a church crypt.
Me: No no before that....
Cust: Do you want to know something eeir-
Me: No! After that!
Cust: This used to be where they kept the plague victims?
Me: Yeah, that bit. Are you shitting on my dick?
Cust: No! a few years ago, they removed over a thousand bodies. All died from the plague!
Me And you bring me down here? Whats the matter with you...
Cust:... It's pretty safe now. Look! It's now a trendy overly expensive cafe!
Me: My tea reeks of death! What if I get the plague?
Cust: I think modern medicine has moved on enou-
Me: BLAH BLAH modern medicine! I invented fucking paracetamol! I think I know a little about modern medicine!
Cust:....
Me: I'm outta here, pal. Install your own damned firewall!
Cust: But!?

Naturally I left. The bloody cheek of the guy. Subject me to the biggest killer in human history after Ghengis Khan and Coranation street!? I spent the rest of the day on the look out for weeping sores. At one stage I thought I saw one. Turned out to be my belly button.

12th September - XL? X Smell more like!

I mean what are they complaining about?

XL dude: Sorry sir, you and your family will have to stay in the Carribean for a few more days until we work out how to get you home.
Grummy dad: Really? Well ok! Come on kids, back to the pool!

We flew with XL once to Cyprus. They forgot to get enough meals to serve us. I remember kicking off as we flew over the Alps with some snotty effeminate trolley pusher.

Me: Hello? Er yes. No meals for us?
Air host: Did you request meals, sir?
Me: No! My stomachs rumbling because it likes the blues, of course we ordered meals!
Air host: I'm sorry sir, it looks like we do not have enough meals on board!
Me: Whoa, whoa back up, princess. No meals? What am I supposed to eat, my feet?
AH: Oh sir, missing a meal wont do you any harm! Looks like you can spare a few pounds!
Me: OI! Thats fucking muscle!
AH: Its wobbling!
Me: I'm flexing, you jumped up pretty boy! No go and get me some food before I jam that bottle of moisturiser you overly use into your rectum!
AH: Oh Sir, I don-
Me: I meant nose! I'm going to jam it up your nose!!! No where else.
AH: I will see what I can do

Sometimes I understand why hostage situations happen on flights.

In other news, I'm being asked to look after a tortoise while the owners go on holiday! The bloody thing better be hibernated before it gets here, tomorrow. I've found a bottle of tippex. As soon as the time is right, I shall tippex a set of cock and balls on its shell!

7th September - Covent garden

Inconvenient garden more like!

I hate clubs. Social cesspools with not a single chocolatey biscuit within! I usually avoid them for two reasons.

1) I never have a clean shirt
2) Something unpleasant ALWAYS happens!

Last night was no exception. A stuck up doorman wearing a cheap suit decided not to let me and others into his sweaty den of sin. We verbally warred the following.

Cheap suit door man: Thats £12.50.
Me: You mean a fiver?
Csdm: 12.50!
Me: A moment ago it was a fiver! whats changed?
Csdm: Sir, I have a club full of people, if you dont cough up, we won't be any worse off!
Me: I'll make you worse off when I give you a paper cut with this five pound note!
Csdm: Right! Thats aggression! Leave at once!
Me: Aggression? Heres your aggression!

I then proceeded to pummel the self involved fuck-dustbin to within an inch of his life. A good night all in all.

The next time someone suggests a night out in our glorious city, I will opt to lick dust mites off the carpet as a better time.

4th September - Hair today...

That's it! I'm shaving it off! Hair is stupid. Specifically mine is. I think its time I gave my fine flyaway locks to charity.  The problem is the rain. The minute your hair does not stop the rain, you need to just lop it off. 

After a stressfull day, I called my dear mother to see how she was. we noisily burped the following:

Mum: Hello son

Me: 'aight y'all? Sup dawg?

Mum: Alex

Me: Yes, mum?

Mum: Stop being jive

Me: K. Sorry.

Mum: Hows work?

Me:

Mum: Did you just shrug?

Me: Yes

Mum: I can't see you shrug over the phone

Me: Really? Well you can't see what I'm doing now!

Mum: You are flipping the bird to the phone

Me: You are like some sort of witch! How did you know?

Mum: Grow up, son. heres you father....

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hi Dad!

Dad: Piss off!

Grumpy git.

I swear the weekend cannot come soon enough. If I have to take part in one more conference call, I'm going do 'allo 'allo impressions until I get fired. The news is warning of stormy weather in the south west, tomorrow. Sini and I decided to leave for the glorious capital early tomorrow. If i get home and find the Russians have invaded, I will be proper annoyed!

3rd September - Credit crunch

Sounds tasty but it isn't!

To combat the hard times, I have gathered some information to help us save a penny.

1) Steal sugar and tea bags from hotels

2) Sell sugar and tea bags from hotels to other hotels

3) Busk

You would all do well to follow my advice. Hard times ahead, apparently. I intend to celebrate by eating cake daily.

In other news, we said goodbye to our Dutch technical consultant. He cried as we took him to the station. He beat his chest when we wished him a safe flight. He caughed heavily when I kicked him square in the nuts. Exeter will not be the same without him. As we ate dinner, Sini set about creating a replica doll to keep us company. He used tissue, straw and cheese cake biscuit base.

It looks a little like our Dutch buddy. A baptism may be in order tomorrow.