Wednesday, 30 July 2008

30th July - School disco

I had Graham, Ade and Dan (desktop) to keep me company today. We toiled with our job and got annoyed about things not working. Grahams rage hit a new high as after a particularly virulent phone call, he stabbed me twice in the gut with a pen! I don't let things like this ruin our friendship. After we checked into our hotel, I told Graham about the framed hot water warning in our bathrooms. After he checked, he called me up and declared the following:


Graham: Alex?
Me: Yes?
Graham: My sign is different!
Me: What... you mean you are like a Sagitarius or something?
Graham: No! I mean the bathroom warning...
Me: Well what does yours say?
Graham: "Graham dont put the shower head up your shitta"
Me: Really?
Graham: Yeah! Only I didn't notice it until after I done it.
Me: Aw!
Graham: So you wanna come and have a bath with me?
Me: No not really...
Graham: Another time, then. Don't be late for breakfast.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Graham: I love you too.


Prior to the completely true events above, Graham, Dan (Desktop) and I went for dinner together. We all shared a chocolate brownie together which our waitress thought was odd.
As we were walking back to the hotel, we walked past what was quite clearly a school disco type party. The local college girls had put their shortest skirts and freckles and were planning on debasing themselves. as they flittered excitedly past us to their venue, Graham had an attack of rage and clotheslined a top heavy student with force. He must not have realised his strength as he took the poor girls head clean off! We disposed of the body as best as we could and continued on...

Tomorrow, I will shout "ROCOGNISE!" and "TESTIFY" every time someone comments on my clothing like some sort of baptist preacher.

Monday, 28 July 2008

27th July - Travelin' through time

Today, I travelled back in time. As you well know, my flux capacitor has been faulty for some time so I'm not quite sure how it happened. As I travelled to Exeter (again), I noticed that the cars that I overtook were getting older and older. By the time I had passed Stone Henge, the cars were so old, I thought I had accidently driven into a filming of a chase scene for Heartbeat (starring Nick Berry). I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation so I satisfied myself by ramming the cars off the road. At first I felt a little guilty at the deaths I may have caused but then I thought that all the drivers were probably over 80 and therefore not really people as we know them.

After returning to the present, I checked into my hotel and uncomfortably held a conversation with the gay guy behind the desk. These noises occured:

Me: I would like to check in, please.
Him: Oooooh I bet you would. I bet you want to check right into my pants.
Me: I errr, no. I really want a room.
Him: I was only joking you silly sausage.
Me: silly what?
Him: I mean you are not even my type!
Me: What is your type?
Him: Well I like big strong-
Me: Never mind. I don't care.
Him: We could have a drink if you like?
Me: I'm married...
Him: Happily? Could be a ruse?
Me: No ruse. I'm proper in love.... with a woman.... Tits and everything!
Him: Hmmmm. Well you know where I am if you change your mind.
Me: No I don't.
Him: I actually live just-
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him:.......
Me:.......
Him: I live just off ba-
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him: sir?
Me: BLAH.... I mean, yes?
Him: Breakfast is at 7am.
Me: Thanks...

I will never get Gordon Browns job if people hear that I am a homophobe.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

22nd July - Writings on the wall

I jumped out of the shower and noticed a framed sign in the hotel bathroom for the first time. It said:

"Water can be very hot. Please be careful."

I stared at it for a while, scratching my damp nutsack. I then went on to create my own sign for any proceeding guest in this room. It reads:

"Water can also be very cold. Please continue to exercise caution"

Monday, 21 July 2008

21st July - Self raising henge

There comes a time in every mans (and some women[but not many]) life where they hear those immortal words that mean that they can lay themselves to rest, content that they lived a complete life. Today was that time for me. But first, a little run up information.

02:00am - Javi calls. Unlike other times, he is not calling to whisper dirty words, he's calling to get something fixed as per our on call dutys. I reluctantly heave myself infront of my computer to fix problems.

04:00am - The same customer calls again. I ask Koulla to fix the problem but she knows nothing about networking. I made a note to teach her the basics.

06:00am - I just about fall asleep. The sun is up and as I drift off, I think about shooting the birds tweetling outside.

09:00 - 15:00 - Events so dull I shan't bother mention...

And then it happened. As I drove along the A303, I noticed diversion signs. Something was afoot: "A lorry carrying flour has overturned near stonehenge spilling its load. The A303 has been closed"

I pictured the lorry driver on the mobile to his mistress as his truck jacknifed in a powdery poof covering the age old monument in flour. If only the druids were around for it. It would have been like a scene from Narnia!

And so my life is complete. Good times. Tomorrow I might burp everytime someone mentions the weather...

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

16th July - Exeterised!

How hard is it for a hotel to make sure that the telly's have at least the requisite 5 channels? Am I asking too much? And they are all in the wrong order! After extensive research I established the following:

BBC1 - 8
BBC2 - 10
ITV - 7
Channel 4 - 9
Channel 5 - non-fucking-existant

I went down to reception to submit my findings and the receptionist gave me the queerest of looks.

Sinisa thinks that we should allow for this seeing as thet have made the effort to give us freshly backed biscuits everyday. Sinisa is too forgiving. Just doesn't cut it, if you ask me.

SK arrived earlier to join the multitude who have to work up in Exeter. There was no room at our hotel so he checked into the one next door. He suggested that it was a bit like Joseph and Mary being turned away from the inn at Bethlehem. I pointed out the following flaws in his comparison

1) He was on his own.
2) He didn't have the son of the Allmighty within his innards
3) His room was nothing like a stable. In fact his room is quite tidy!
4) Joseph and Mary didnt have a Thai meal nearby.

Other than that it was EXACTLY like the Nativity story. I suspect that he will compare tomorrows working day like the battle of Hastings...

Friday, 11 July 2008

10th July - Gold service

These days, people get angry about milk costing about 30p more than usual. Thats 30 pence! You say economic crunch and everyone knows what you mean. We all just happily assume that within a few months we will be eating our own poo and drinking rain water. So when I walk into a service centre to pick up my car and get a bill with 4 digits, I kinda want to run through tescos, drop kicking people who are hesitating before buying the bumper bag of skips and opting for the inferior tescos own brand ready salted crisps.

The car drives the same, looks the same and even smells the same! The smarmy git who took my money made a joke about having to cut down on cigarettes. Then this happened:

Me:... I don't smoke!
Him: Ya, well y'know, you can cut down on other things.
Me: Like what?
Him: Well, what do you like?
Me: Cheap car servicing.
Him: Apart from that?
Me: Robust automotive technolo-
Him: Anything not to do with your car?
Me: ..... Dead Audi sales people?
Him: Heres your keys... I suggest you don't come back to this service center.

As I left, I called him a cuntgaroo. Stupid extortionate bastard!

The office is awash with excitement about saturdays fun bar-b-q day where duck herding is the main event. There is no way I'm leaving that do without booting one across the park. Can't wait!

Monday, 7 July 2008

6th July - Me and the Grindstone

Dear Lord. Why hast thou forsaken me? I love thine creations and thine creatures (except stag beetles. They can fuck off), and thou hast chosen for me to suffer. Why, oh Lord, why?

To be honest, having to work through the weekend hardly means that God doesn't like me. I bet I'm one of his favourites (after Ringo Starr and Boris Johnson). To be honest, all I had to do is labour with power point for a few hours. hardly like being nailed to a cross, is it?

I had "time team" (with Tony Robinson of Maid Marion fame) on in the background but could hardly concentrate on the goings on. When I had finished my presentation, I sent it to Ade for his approval. He said the following in email form:

Dear Alex,
I am writing to tell you that this is by far the worst ever thing I have ever read. I have taken the liberty to send it to the "Daily mail" so they might publish it as an article. Furthermore, I ask that you never contact me again in either a professional or personal way. You are nothing to me.
Lots of love, Ade

If the presentation isn't going well tomorrow, I may flip out and profane.

Saturday, 5 July 2008

5th July - Gay pride

I try to avoid working saturdays so today was a rarety. Getting up early is bad enough but when its raining, I get really cranky. At the bus stop, I concussed a waiting pensioner and used his body to keep me above the rising sea level.

I was working just off Regents street. No one told me it was the gay pride march! People are going to think my job was a ruse to have a walk around in tight pants! One of the displays had a sign saying "God is gay!" There was one next to it saying "Tony Blair is gay!" The customer commented on the suprise celebrity people coming out.

The customer got a call from his wife who gave him grief for the over running work. She hung up on him and we exchanged the following noises:

Me: What wives need is a swift kidney punch.
Him: I don't think its right to hit women.
Me: I... er... um. What I meant was...
Him: Yes? Are you saying you don't hit women?
Me: Oh no! I mean yes! A right punching whenever I can!
Him: I can't say I feel comfortable about this conversation.
Me: I understand.... You wanna go out and join the parade?
Him: Would I!? Lets get right out there and take our tops off!!! YAY!

I was on the tube on the way home (Victoria line), when I noticed a classy chick sat opposite looking at me. She smiled at me. I noticed she was wearing a wrist support. After a while, I realised that she was really into me. When my stop arrived, I got up and walked over to her.

"Listen lady, you have nothing to offer me with that sort of injury!". She looked hurt.
As I stepped of the locamotive I shouted, "NOTHING, YOU WHORE!"

In hindsight, there was probably more than a few things she could have done for me that didn't require the use of her wrists. You live and learn.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

3rd july - Hecklers will be beheaded!

R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S. Ridiculous. There, you happy? You know who you are! How is this for correct spelling:

F-U-D-G-E-S-P-U-R-T O-M-N-I-S-P-A-Z!

I was busy today. I'm not talking sympathy busy when people say it just to heap importance on themselves. I mean real busy. I my never ending quest to get stuff fixed, I spent several dozen minutes on the phone to far flung support engineers on the phone. I spoke to one lady in the sub-continent who insisted in speaking exactly 4 seconds after I had asked her a question. The tension was unbearable in places. This was all made better when she told me her name. The conversation was recorded for training purposes:

Her: Hello?
Me: Hi
Her: Hello, can I helpings?
Me: Yes I need help with some cheap, non functioning, over-priced technology, please.
Her: OK, I am named Munta, What is problems?
Me: Well I have an issue with- wait.... what?
Her? Whatings?
Me: What did you say your name was?
Her: Munta!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: Sir?
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Her: Pleasings?
Me: Just wait a second wil you!!!
Her: OK
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Her: .....
Me: Ah Ok. That was great. Thanks Munta.
Her: Welcomings. So please explain the fault?
Me: Nah, you're ok, darling. I think I'm sorted for the day.

My xenophobia is affecting my professional career.

Ben called. Ben (the iron monger) disappears for months on end and turns up looking to meet up for a laugh. He is like an erant, divorced dad who turns up after lengthy intervals to see his disfunctional children who love him despite getting broken (and potentially stolen) toys from him. We arranged to meet up next week. All the excitement will be detailed here, unless we commit a crime in which case I shan't incriminate ourselves on these pages.