30th June - Come on, Tim!

I mean seriously, Tim. Come on! I will not buy you sweets! Your father will be home soon! Come on! You little shit! Hurry up!

Chatter like this can only mean that tennis is in full swing. Andoni called to tell me that he would be watching Baghdatis play. Ah tennis; the rich mans pat ball!
Mids!
Obs!
Carries!
A finer sport there never was. Anyway ol' baghi lost and the patriot inside of me died a little. I hope Andoni was ok. He takes defeat pretty bad. Once, I beat him badly in Guess Who (MB games), and he defecated all over the place.

Tomorrow im off to Exeter again. That journey is getting a bit repetetive. For excitement, I will drive into stonehenge.

29th June - Endorsing Obama!

Tom Tom hates me. Tom Tom isn't a person who is unfortunate to have same first and last names like a lot of Greek people. No. TomTom is computerised navigation system designed to help me traverse this great nation without fear of being lost. Or so I thought. Today, Tom x2 fooled me into journeying outlandish ways to get to Wanstead! Koulla warned me about trusting it but I did. Before I knew it, I was in a drive through Burger king in outer Mongolia! This is exactly how Skynet got the better of us in the Terminator movies. We stopped off via mount Vesuvius to throw the Tom x2 device into the lava a la Frodo in Lord of the Rings. The future is safe.... You're welcome!

28th June - Boys and their toys!

Wii fit. I figure I should get it as deep down I wish I was 12 years old, surrounded by toys and cool stuff so the others at school will want me as a friend. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so. I can't find it anywhere. Andy got one and hes done nothing but bad mouth the Wii since its creation. I hope the gods of Nintendo give him some sort of ailment. Maybe a cough or something minor. Don't want him hurting too much.

In my quest for a wii, Koulla and I ended up in Argos. We queued up as Britishly as we could until we stood in front of a Sales type. Behold! A transcript:

Me: Goodwoman! A Wii fit board please?
Lady: None left...
Me: None left, what?
Ladt: None left, sir...
Me: That's better.... I don't believe you.
Lady: But I....
Me: BLABLABLA! You run your pretty ass out back and check with Chuck in stores.
Koulla: Is there really a guy called Chuck back there?
Me: Shhhh!
Lady: Sir! You are in luck. We do have one left!
Me: Excellent! Bring it forth!
Lady: There is a condition to me selling it to you.
Me: Yes?
Lady: Yes. A kiss! Store policy!
Me: It's Argos store policy to be kissed by customers fot the last wii fit in stock?
Lady: Yes. That is correct.
Koulla: Sounds fair. Dixons do something similar-
Me: Hush, my love. Adults are talking.
Lady: I'm waiting...
Me: You know what, I will wait. Kiss this!

With that, I punched the assistant so hard, it sealed one of her eyes shut. The quality of retail in this country is rock bottom. I welcome the credit crunch with open arms. I'm having more rotten luck than Gorden Brown at the next general election!

27th June - Learnding

SO! Todays blog will be in iambic pentameter.... google it. It's real...

I had to do some exams today to
get accredited for something super
I passed them all because I read some slides
.... penis bum fucksicle cucumber knob

Shakespeare was a pussy.... theres the proof.

So I did the exams and it took forever so I celebrated by eating.... food.

Frosty has not left the cage forever now. Koulla insists I must have upset it. I checked my diary and I hadn't forgotten it's birthday. How could I have possibly upset it? It occured to me a little later that I had left a half eaten chicken drumstick where Frostys millet usually is..... That probably did it. I caught Koulla calling the RSPCA. I got rid of the evidence.

A little earlier, Alex (the rubberier of the Pilalis brothers) told me the following:

Alex: hey did you know that dan akroyds name is spelt Dan Aykroyd
Me: what?
Alex: His name!
Me: Why would you tell me that?
Alex: Information like this is lost forever when we die!
Me: When you die, maybe.
Alex: Why? Why would you say that?
Me: Alex....... Today you have taught me NOTHING!

Alex is a good kid. I let him say random stuff to me every now and then. It keeps him off the streets doing drive bys or busking or whatever the hell kids are up to these days.

25th June - Nom Nom communist style!

Wheres your knighthood gone?
Wheres your knighthood gone?

Mugabe hung up after that. Our relationship has really gone down the pan. I'll be honest; I felt like I was doing all the work in that friendship. He can sort his own election riggings from here on in.

I took Koulla to eat out. Chinese food goes a long way to crushing any dietary strictness I had been recently following. Bollocks. Avoiding any gags about earthquakes and Tibet, I ate noodles and duck. If their Olympics is anything like their chicken sweet and sour, the games will go just fine.

24th June - Haircut! Haircuuuuuuut!

I needed a haircut. I know when this happens when my sideburns start to coil into my earhole. Everytime I go, the lady asks me what I want done and I just shrug and talk to her in Hebrew. She then goes ahead and makes me look like a band member of McFly until I wash it all out later in the evening. My hair is stupid. I've said this before. It doesn't like me and quite frankly I don't like it (collectively).


Koulla didn't notice my new fangled hairdo so as a way of protest, I spent some quality time with Frosty. He'd/She'd shed a whole bunch of feathers but clearly didn't look like a teen guitarist. He/She still hasn't snapped out of the mood hes/shes in. He/She sunk his/her beak into that bit of cartilidge that seperates my nostrils. It really hurt. Jumping away from the cage, Frosty clung on, swinging from my nose. Death is too good for that Budgie.


I did my run again. This time I didn't pass out but I did vomit into the recycling bin outside my house. Annoyingly, I got it in the green one (paper and glass) when I suspect it would have been better suited in the purple one (cardboard and plastic). I hope the bin men take it away. Maybe it will solidify by the time they next come around and I can pass it off as the local telephone directory.

23rd June - My body is a temple. A temple with a big porch!

Remember that bit in Rocky with the stairs and the running and the euphoria? Doesn't happen around here. I had a quick check on Google Earth for any steps in town. Nothing. I ended up running down the road for a bit. It was rubbish, really. I sort of blacked out when I got round the block. When I came too, a dog was licking my toes. The next time I go running, I'm going to wear shoes.

After feeling the burn and when the dull ache in my chest and pain down my left arm had subsided, I set about chucking the rubbish and cleaning frostys cage. Frosty has gone a bit recluse recently. I told Koulla that maybe it was due a putting down. Upon hearing us, Frosty sparkled to life and starting juggling and reciting Shakespeare. The little shit only performs when death is looming. A bit like Bruce Forsythe.

Someones been knicking apples from my tree! Im going to sit out tonight with a blanket and shotgun to catch rustlers. Ain't no man taking fruit from my tree. I texted Mugabe about what I had planned. I sent him the following:

Me: Dude, Im like you only the apples represent the election and they belong to me. ROFL LOLZ!!!!1111oneonedemocraticvoteerror!!!!

He hasn't replied yet. He did say he was busy these days. Arafat always had time for me back in the day. I miss him.

22nd June - Birthdays and whatnot

My mum has two birthdays. She insists on this fact every year. One of my brothers thinks that its because she is actually the queen of England! "Have you noticed how they are never in the same room at the same time?", he says this often. I have a different theory. I think she developed a second birthday (or backup birthday as I call it) to give my dad a second chance when he forgets the first one. Either way, she only gets one present from me. A request for a second present will be answered with a jab to the kidneys. She has been warned.

Later on in the day, I got a picture text from my God daughter of herself with text saying hello. I called my brother and had the following dialogue.

Me: She can send picture messages? Shes only a day old!
Bro: Yup. shes a quick learner!
Me: Can she walk?
Bro: No
Me: Long division?
Bro: No
Me: Make pasta?
Bro: No
Me: How is this possible?
Bro: It's the state of todays education system. The priorities are all jumbled!
Me: Fucking labour government!
Bro: I know!

A discussion arose about my beer belly. It all got a bit insulting so after uprooting my mums rose bush, I went home and did some push ups. This really hurt so I drowned the pain with a pizza. I shall be fit as a fiddle within weeks.

21st June - Baby on board

Been taking a blog break. The purpose is to stir up some reader tension..... or..... my fingers fell off for a bit.

We have a new addition to the family. I visited my new born Niece only to be promoted from uncle to God Father! Some of you heathens may be scratching your cynical godless heads on why this is important. The reasons are threefold:

1) The child will recieve preferential treatment over all other children. This is particularly humourous when visiting the God child with his/her siblings present. You can get them huge super presents that only work with 3 of those really big batteries and then get their siblings a Mars bar and not feel bad.

2) You get to do first dance at their wedding.... This isnt the case if the child is a boy.

3) You have the honour introducing the child to Jebus and his 6 wives and get to inform the child on the religious importance of not pulling faces while the wind is blowing.

My brother told me about my promotion as I held my niece for the first time. When he broke the news, the child did a little baby sick on my hand! I made a mental note to forget her 18th birthday present. That'll learn her.

In other news there has been some surprise results in the football. The Turks are triumphantly marching through to the semis with the Russians not far behind. It's starting to look like the Eurovision all over again.

Tomorrow we are celebrating my mums birthday. My brothers and me have conspired to give her the ol' tunnel of death. Let see if her varicose veins take the beating as good as they did last year.

18th June - There and back again.

Couldn't get online last night. Want to know why? It was because I was staying in the Exeter version of the Norman Bates hotel. The dude checked me in and gave me the various instructions on breakfast. When he asked if all was ok, I replied with "please don't kill me!". The last thing I wanted to do was to pester him for wireless access details. Ade and Sini were scared too. Ade texted me in the middle of the night to ask if he could bunk up with me. I told him that I had already propped the furniture against the door so no one could force entry. I heard him cry throughout the night down the corridor.


Last night, we discussed our forthcoming meetings and I suggested that we should randomly shout out "YEAH, YOU KNOW ME!" for not particular reason other than it rhymed with other stuff. The others were well enthused. I looked forward all day to that happening. When the opportunity finally arose, Sini, Ade and Sophie all stared tight lipped. Not wanting to look stupid, I ended up writing the key words in my notepad and flashed it around at intervals. I called the others disappointments and declared our friendships as over!

When I got home, I noticed that Koulla had applied nail varnish to our trans-gender budgie, Frosty. It was all a bit confusing. I decided not to question it as it was a good look. Tomorrow, I may weave Frostys hair/feathers.

16th June - Mileage!

I am driving everywhere! Carbon footprint? Carbon fuckprint more like! I think I am single handedly destroying the planet with amount of miles im doing. Just to annoy Mother Nature (the whore that she is) I drove back from Reading with the car on turbo. I figure I should make up for the miles that the Shell tanker drivers are not doing. Apparently, the Saudis have increased their oil output to meet rising demand. I've emailed King Abdullah to just pump it all straight into the bin outside my home. I'm expecting his reply any second now. Knowing him, it will just be a Youtube clip with "LOL" written in the subject field.

Good on the Turks and their win yesterday. I figure that in the interest of peace and love, I will support them for the rest of the tournament. If Sini asks, I'm supporting Croatia. He demands support all the time. I'm with him tomorrow in Exeter, again. I might make him feel uncomfortable by winking at him during meetings.

Mugabe texted me a little earlier. Said he wanted to play Minesweeper on MSN. I told him I was busy. That guy is so needy.

14th June - It's all Greek to me!

The next time someone says that to me as an indication that they've not understood what i've said/written/gesticulated, I will start throwing punches. Seriously, you cunt, it's not original or funny. Make other cultural references about being greek.

So yes, Greece are out. More surprising, was when whilst looking at papers on sale in the co-op, I saw the bint that was evicted from big brother on the front with little on! She wasted no time!
I continued with my shopping absent mindedly. I ended up buying Findus crispy pancakes, cotton buds and oven chips. Koulla asked me to get none of them. She sent me back to the shops with a list written in capital letters.

13th June - No ball games!

Catching me unawares, Graham flicked my right bollock today. It made me cough for minutes! The dull throbbing has only just started to subside! I think friendships should survive the odd bollock flick. Lord knows I've given his nuts the odd jab when he least expects it! I guess we should stop doing it in front of our wives. It would be really odd if they started doing the female equivalent to each other!

Dad kindly came over to do some gardening while I was at work. When I got home, I inspected his work and noted some fruit was missing from various trees. I texted him to let him know that I would be docking his pay. 1 pound per apple and 50p per fig. Its the only way he will learn!

12th June - EasyJet chicks want me!

I missed a day! Wasn't because I was high etc. Busy business trips made me far too important for this blog.....
Actually all the boobies made me forget about it! Never mind! Back home, now and ready to go.

A brief summary on the Dam. I had the best steak ever last night in the centre of town. Afterwards, the company I was with shuffled around thinking of what to do. After a drink we all jumped in cabs and headed back to our hotel. The next morning at breakfast, one of our number mentioned that it was a shame that we didn't go to the red light district for a wander. It turned out that we all wanted to go but we were all embarrased to suggest it! I kept telling them that I suggested it before we even landed in the country but it was too late. A fight broke out and we got hotel breakfast everywhere. I may have upset an influential customer with a well aimed stomach punch. Sini went over the top and murdered some people.

Whilst queing for our easyjet flight home, I told Sini that I was going to chat up the check in attendent. She ended up telling me how her boyfriend is called "Sandro" and that all the Italian girls fancy him for it. She said I should call myself that too. I told her to ditch her square boyfriend and go out with me. She visibly blushed! Sini saw it! That never happens. Women never fall for my charm. Koulla doesn't count. That needed charm, Rohypnol, bubble wrap AND a small hammer to work that time! Anyway, Leaving the attendent, I felt good that I had pulled. No sooner had we got through security, a big Dutch cunt of a man gave me the full cavity search. He told me that I had a stomach ulcer!

The flight was full of 19 year old stoners. They all look scared. I bet they all had weed stuffed in their pants. I opened the in-flight magazine and noticed that someone had written "BUNGHOLIO" in big letters on the aftershave page. I laughed so much I shat a little.

10th June - DAM

A 45 minute flight and I've got jet lag. My body is a tenous jumble of waste.

This hotel room is so big, I'm doing laps as a means of exercise! I have to get up in a bit so I shan't bother much, tonight. Needless to say there has been no whoring/smoking/clog collecting/windmill spinning and all that other stuff Dutch people do.

9th June - Deferred entry

I can't remember what happen yesterday. I started packing for my Amsterdam trip and then fell asleep somewhere. I had tippex on my fingernails, crushed pringles in my hair and crude penis's drawn on my back. Koulla says she doesn't know who did it.....

Something in the news about the Chinese trying to drain a lake but then cant let it get too shallow so then trying to put water back in! I hope someone is filming it and puts some Benny Hill music with it all. You crazy Chinese with your fireworks and Kung Fu.

Need to finish packing. Next blog should be from the continent!

8th June - So Hawt!

Yeah! Sunshine! Woooo!

And the continuation of the stark realisation of my imminent baldness. Heres an equation for all you math types:

(Convertible + Sun) / Alex = Tanned bald spot

Stupid research types better hurry with a solution for my baldness. You think Koullas hanging around when my hairs all gone? Forget it! If I was Patrick Stewart then maybe she'd stick around but I'm not. And no wigs! Wigs are stupid.

When we go on long journeys, we play Ipod lottery. We plug it up to my car stereo and take it in turns to pick a song during the shuffle. It was all going well until I crossed the river. Whilst traversing the seedy part of Mile end, Koulla puts on "Club Tropicana".
Like I wasn't having enough of a problem trying to look manly with that blaring out in glorious audi symphony. I hate myself.

Dennis Quaid is on the telly. I always thought of him as a shit Harrison Ford....

7th June - Special birthday edition not pending

It's a month old! I must deserve something!

Today we got all capitalist and shopped. I was alarmed to notice whilst in the shop that Koulla looked a bit rough. Upon questioning she told me she hadn't bothered putting any make up on! The verbal exchange went a little like this:

Me: You look different...
Her: I didn't put any make up on.
Me: Why not?
Her: didn't really need to.
Me: Yeah you did.
Her: Excuse me?
Me: Excuse you!
Her: Whats wrong with not wearing make up once in a while.
Me: It upsets me!
Her: It's not that bad. Don't be horrible.
Me: Let your hair down for a sec...

Me: Oh God! Enough! My eyes!!!!

I put a bag on her head for the remainder of the trip. I detracted her thinking from my verbal abuse by explaining the implications of the rising cost of oil. I think she now grasps world economics enough to understand that it is essential that she keeps putting makeup on....

In other news, Hilary is backing Obama. Now that she has got more time on her hand, I think I might give her a call about a game of squash sometime. I rekon her ankles are not up to the task. It should be an easy win. I remember giving Patrick Moore a game when he finished doing Gamesmaster. An easy win for me.

I still think Patrick Moore will outlive Maggie Thatcher. I might do a bet, tomorrow.

6th june - Lord of the (fruit) Flies

Theres a corpse in my house. There must be! Theres like a thousand fruit flies in my living room? "Where did they come from?" I asked Koulla. "Fruit?", she replied.

It's like living with miss Marple with a hot bum.

Didn't watch big brother tonight. Koulla and I went with my parents to dinner. Dad chastised me for talking with my mouth full and having elbows on the table. If Dad was a catholic he would have made me do hail marys or some shit like that. He made me do the secular equivalent. 50 pushups right there in the restaurant.

They detonated that old world war II bomb in east London, today. If I was Al Qaeda, I wouldn't bother making bombs and all that, I would get a job at the London buildings planning office and commision lots of new buildings. Eventually, a digger is bound to go through something properly and set it off. Thems terrorists like to make it hard for themselves.

5th June - Fat Thai chicks

So! It's like this. Big brother is back on telly, I finished Mario kart, I had chicken for dinner, Koulla learnt to knit, Jesus is back (again), had a subway for lunch and added Mugabe as a Facebook friend. He sure does like to poke.

I probably will miss most of BB as I quite fancy watching celebrity Guantanamo trial. I bet that bomber dude gets the chair. He said he wants to die to be a martyr or summink. At first I thought he said he wanted to be a Smartie. Rediculous, I know.


Spent the working day throwing hypothtical questions at Esskay. The best goes hence;

What would you rather be, be a man covered in hair and have 3 legs or be a pretty woman with one arm?

Answers in comment form, please.

The highlight of the evening was a text from Graham. I asked him if he would do the Fat Thai chick in the big brother house to which he replied:

"I'd do her and then I would smash that fucking cookie jar on her head!"

Graham is a genius. This is why I keep a lock of his hair under my pillow.

4th june - Park it like it's hot.

I hated university. I used to get my best sleep during lectures. Sytems theory? Systems shitry more like. If I could go back and do uni again, I would do it at Exeter. Nice surroundings, pleasant staff and hotsexygirls. At one stage I asked Ade if we were actually in Latvia. He said that we were still in good ol' England. I thought my suit would make me a desirable catch, but it didn't. Next time I go there, I'm wearing a wet suit.


Ade was still a bit jumpy about upsetting the Nam vet at the service station, yesterday. He was driving quite eratically and made me nervous. Despite his degraded state of calmness, he managed to park his Juggernaut into the tightest of car parking spaces. I was impressed. I was congratulating him til he realised with horror that he'd lost his laptop. I asked him if he was worried about those Iranian nuclear power plant plans that were on it and he said he wasn't. I don't believe him. The laptop later turned up with its secrets intact. All it had on it were a bunch of podcasts and emails to the Jane Austen society.

In one of our meetings, I impressed everyone with a fancy leather binder that had a built in calculator. Ade and I spent a few minutes displaying "BOOBS" on the liquid crystal display. The customer clearly approved. I could almost taste my christmas bonus.

We headed back home. At Fleet services (nom nom), we were accosted by this villeinous sort who blurted something like this to us:

"Ere mister, you know where the girls toilets are?"

She was covered in tattoos and her daughter was squirming uncomfortably. Later on, I saw her again in Burger king with her boyfriend/partner in crime who had his top off and was also covered in tattoos. I should have directed her to the trash compactor. Do service stations have trash compactors? I made a mental note to google it later.

3rd June - You wern't there, man!

Had to go into the office to pick up the server Andy had kindly built for me last night. There was a free car parking place. I slotted in that spot like a consonant on Carol Vordermans board. Unfortunately for me, this incurred the wrath of Michael Q. He strode up to me with his bristling chest rocks, ranting about his misfortune. He's never been the same since that rohypnol incident. I gave him a hug and his blood lust was sated. I made a mental note to remove one of his legs.

Ade picked me up and headed off to Exeter (again). He munged on about not having a charger for his mobile. We stopped at various service stations to see if they sold any. At one of them, I cracked a joke about being an Etonian. The bearded petrol dispensing assitant guy countered with some garbage about going to UCLA and that he gained his smarts from serving in Vietnam for two tours. Ade then said the most offensive thing ever:

"That'll learn ya!"

Mortified, we left the station and sped down the A303. We shan't be stopping there again. He seemed nice enough for an (alleged) baby killer.

Sini called. I'm convinced that he's in a world of his own. He asked me what time our flight was for Amsterdam! The dialogue progresses hence:

Sini: What time is flying?
Me: Dude! We ain't flying tomorrow? That's next week.
Sini: Oh! But is reading email?!?
Me: hmmmmm
Sini: Oh mate. My mind is in all making circles, yes?
Me: Yes.... Good night, Sini.
Sini: Viva La Revolution!

It's about time he was deported...

We checked into our haunted hotel. Ade moaned that he got a room on the haunted floor. The lady serving us was not sympathetic. Ade cried. I smashed the place up a bit which made Ade feel better. I got a nice room with a chocolate on my pillow. Spoke to Koulla who said she wanted a gift from Exeter. Rice is currently the wanted commodity in the world. I made a note to buy a kilo for her. I spoil that girl.

2nd June - Suicide plumbing

Todays title doesn't reflect on the days events at all. Catchy, though?


I hate doing documentation. I feel obliged to use long words at every opportunity and when thats not happening, I type utter balls. At one stage I described an installation procedure thus:
1) open box
2) spaz
3) spaz
4) eat cake

As I toiled with the written word, Koulla lovingly brought me teas. She corrected my spelling and dabbed the spittle and dribble from my chin. I owe my success to her. In saying that, the day I get the sack is the day I accuse her of ruining me. That's how I roll.

I offered to make her tea later that evening and when I looked into the teapot she had used, I saw sticks and sticks of cinnamon. Not just a little piece but loads of pieces! I challenged her. Here is the transcript of the confrontation:

Me: Whats this?
Her: Whats what?
Me: In the tea pot! Look at all that cinnamon!
Her: Its a nice taste when theirs lots!
Me: Yes but a small piece is enough!
Her: It adds to the flavour!
Me: It adds to deforestation is what it adds to! There are Pandas looking for a home somewhere because you decided to make a tea!

I do like her tea. I'm worried that one day she might try to make a fruit salad and make apples extinct on this island!

Spoke to Zac(k) earlier. We discussed house insurance. House insurance! There was a time when we only ever talked about boobs and nintendo (in that order)! We compared our portfolios and arranged a game of golf. I saved face a little later with a text asking him to bring back the game pad I lent him.

The other Pilalis, Alex, sent me a message asking me to mention the humble cul-de-sac in my blog. Apparently the plural is culs-de-sacs. I asked him if he knew what the plural was for "a waste of space". He didn't know. If anyone knows, please comment.

The revelations didn't stop there. Andy just said it would be a great idea to have toasters in bars. He should be on the apprentice...

1st June - East is East

In my line of work, there is a lot of travelling. The same applies for my marriage. We regulary visit the wifes place of birth by navigating this glorious city to get to East London. As we stop-started our way to E17, I commented to Koulla about how inefficient I was making my car work. I explained the mechanics on the Audi engine and how miles per gallon was calculated. She expressed her lack of interest by shrugging and then sticking chewing gum in my hair. She fell asleep as we crossed the Thames so I used the opportunity to draw fake moustache on her face. As I type, she still has not noticed.

I impressed the in-laws with stories of my importance. I told them that the world economy would cease if I stopped doing my thing. My mother in law stared at me blankly and then calmly said the following to her daughter:

"If you left him, you would be a lot happier!"

Koulla agreed. I sulked for the remainder of our visit.

We got home and I continued my petulance by playing Mario Kart. In a nail biting race, Koulla calmly stepped in front of me, messing up my rankings and earning me the silver medal. It's bad enough trying to play with our gender confused budgie picking wax out of my ear without the wife ruining what good times I have left in my life! I expressed my anger by urinating in her new Cath Kidston bag. Pointless artefact made out of waterproof table cloth!

Andy said I should forgive her and that women don't understand the complexities of computer games. As if reading Andy's mind, Koulla brought me a tea. At this stage, I considered that she wasn't a bad person and does care for me. That was until I realised the tea was made with cold water. There are Columbian slum inhabitants living a better life than me.