Saturday, 31 May 2008
31st May - A quiz too far!
All of my clothes is gathered in an untidy pile. I took me ages to find a decent pair of pants. Once our new wardrobes are done, I made a vow to invest in some trendy pants. I thought that with my new health concious lifestyle (zero exercises undertaken since announced), I deserved some pants to go with my washboard stomach.
Dad came over to help with some more wardrobe assembly. We watched karate kid as we put drawers together. Dad remarked about the engineering involved in something as simple as cupboards. I stifled a yawn. I sat on a tube of glue and got glue everywhere. He shook his head in disappointment and said the following:
"Son, It's things like this that make me glad that I am not your natural father"
Still not quite sure what he means. He's such a mystery, my dad.
After he left, I decided to cut my front hedge. After all this time that I thought it was with one of my brothers but it was actually sat in my utility room (note: utility room has nothing to do with Batman). After accusing ALL my brothers of stealing it, Karma came around and made me slice through the wire. The fuse in the house tripped and now I have to rewire it. I finished the rest of the hedge with my teeth. I took a while.
Leaaving Koulla to be looked after by the TV, I dashed to the school quiz which Kyp kindly invited me to. They expected big things from me as I have hundreds of history books lying around. None of them actually know that I do not read them and that I only look at the pictures. I hoped that there were questions on Transformers (the cartoon, not the electrical thingie). I'm a national expert on this subject. Unfortunately we went on to lost the quiz. I overuled Maria on a question about Jack Chirac which she had correct. She stabbed me in the arm with a pen when the answers were read out.
Although the quiz was good spirited, losing never did wash well with the Michael brothers. Kyp threw several cans of coke at the winning team. Hell broke loose. At one point I stumbled on a severed arm! When I heard the sirens, I made a hasty exit. I hope none of my friends get locked up.
Tomorrow we are visiting the in-laws. I plan to talk in jive speak for the entire visit.
Friday, 30 May 2008
30th May
Today the house was turned upside down as my dad attempted to assemble the newly delivered wardrobes as I worked in my office. He made such a racket at one point, I had to tazer him into silence. He still had spazmodic twitching when he left the house. Mum called to thank me a few hours later.
After half heartedly cleaning some of the mess, I headed to the cinema to meet up with the Pilalis boys to watch the new instalment of the Indiana Jones movie. I hope im still as active as doctor Jones when I reach his age. Alex kept getting text messages throughout the movie. It looked like he was texting a friend the various scenes in the film. I thought about reporting him for video piracy but then decided that he was no real threat to movie industry. Instead I knocked all his popcorn to the floor and gave him a wedgie. That'll learn him.
The cinema was awash with groups of ladies milling around , waiting for their showing of sex and the city. They all queued for diet cokes and nachos, complimenting each others mascara.
"All of you just shut up and start kissing!", I shouted. Women never listen. I resent them for that. One of them actually dressed up like one that Carrie sort. I punched her repeatedly until she coughed up blood. The security guard agreed with me when I told him that she'd deserved it.
When I got home, Koulla was still up watching Jonathan Ross interview John Barrowman (that's right, him again!). Some dialogue ensued. See below:
K: He's gay, you know?
Me: Marvelous, put the kettle on.
K: I bet he would fancy me, if he met me.
Me: Yeah me too.
K: Really?
Me: Yup... TEA!!!!!!!
K: What because of my looks?
Me: Yes. ONE SUGAR!
K: You think he goes for my type?
Me: YES! You have man like qualities. I WANT A TEA!!!!!
Needless to say, I didn't get my tea. My marriage is riddled with disappointments like that.
Thursday, 29 May 2008
29th May
Back in my room, I put on my favourite suit, ready for the plethora of meetings we had. I pulled on the matching socks and was horrified when I realised that they were Koullas tiny little socks. I had no choice. I had to wear them and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't like I was wearing her stockings! Koulla has stupid small feet. I felt odd in those tiny bits of material.
Alot of the meetings required no input from Sini and I. I stiffled yawns throughout which must have looked like I had been crying to the customer. Sini actually nodded off. His unprofessionalism made me sick. I noticed that Sophie was scribbling notes all day. I suspected that there was nothing of value on the pad. I leaned over to see what it was she was writing and I realised with shock that she was drawing a design for a super computer not unlike the one Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) does in Super man 3.
The drive home was horrible. There was traffic and rain. Sinisa taught us a folk love song in Serbo-Croatian. It was about loving some chick called Natalie. After we got bored with that song, I asked him to teach us "Club Tropicana" in his language. He refused. Ade and I were both disappointed. We stopped at Fleet services to get a Burger king. We must have looked like travelling salesman all dressed smart, eating fast food.
When we finally got home, Ade and Sini came in for a cup of tea. They argued over who was being more horrible to each other that day. The long drives had made us stir crazy. I half expected it to escalate to violence. Sinisa commented on Koullas hair looking nice. She beamed with pride and thanked him for the compliment. I rolled my eyes and suggested that it was only because she had combed it for a change. Ade and Sini shuffled uncomfortably as she countered with a trivial fact about me being fat. I'm not fat. It's fucking muscle! I told her so. Tomorrow I start a vigorous excercise regime.
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
28th May
My cupboards got delivered today. Big flatpacked monstrosities which barely fit into the room. There were two delivery guys who kept grunting as they put stuff in the house. How unoriginal. I suppose if they started oinking or mooing, I would have got a little upset so I put up with the grunting. The gruntier of the two men was bald. He looked just like the priest baddy out of "the Mummy". I laughed when he asked me to sign the acceptance form. I laughed because I thought about signing my name in Hieroglyphics and I pictured his reaction. I just put my normal name. As it turned out, I was missing a bag of screws. I imagine Mummy-man needed it to complete some Egyptian ritual or some shit like that. The MFI guy on the phone insisted that it was an honest mistake. I'm on to them.
Ade and Sini turned up for our road trip to Exeter. Three grown men talking about picking up chicks in another town (city) when in fact we had a completely unglamourous meeting the next day. We agreed to go in my car. Poor Sinisa was crammed into the back seat for 4 hours as we toiled our way through traffic to Exeter. I thought about my nice new tyres being worn away by the ungrateful road. I asked Sinisa to spread his weight on the back seat. I did not need any uneven wear on my new spangly tyres.
The hotel is a plush dive. Somehow we got upgraded to "enviable" rooms. This is what the lady called it; "enviable". Ade made a joke about putting Sinisa in an "Unenviable" room. The lady checking us in didn't laugh. I called Koulla to tell her how great the hotel room was. She instructed me steal shower caps and stuff. She didn't want the iron this time. She doesn't want for much.Tuesday, 27 May 2008
27th May
1) Grabbed the Kwik Fit by his stupid face and demanded to see the manager.
2) Released the managers face and agreed to pay the requested price to avoid further problems.
3) Stole a pen from their front desk.
To my dismay, my car did not move any faster with the new tyres. I had a similar problem when I was younger when mum bought me new trainers. I common myth.
So the parents are back and I saw fit to pay them a visit. Dad has let his hair grow and with his silly old mans tan, he looks like a ninja monk from a bad movie. I made a note to test his ninja skills when he least expected it. Mum told me about the exciting things she got up to. After a few words I went blank and nodded my head until she stopped talking. She realised I wasn't listening and made me do lines.
After a nail biting apprentice which made me so nervous I bled internally, we went home. Koulla triumphantly led me to the toilet to show me the magazine basket she got. Mortified I leafed through the glossy abortions looking for something that I could read whilst wan- toiletising. Not a single marvel comic/history mag/booklet on post natal depression. Rather than cause a fuss, I picked up a copy of heat and frantically looked for flesh. Not one side boob. I am defeated.
Koulla has started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" to almost every question I ask her. She says that it is honour of the forthcoming Sex and the city movie. After the 3rd time of saying it, she passed out cold on the floor. Odd. I never expected that jamming a pair of socks in her mouth would have that effect. She seems ok. She says she is learning things everyday. I will test her accordingly.
Tomorrow I am going Exeter with Sinisa and Ade. We excitedly discussed what mischief we will get up to. I just know we will end up eating in a restaurant and attacking students. We are such squares.
26th May
I have a problem with this statement; We used to tell the rain to fuck off to Spain. When did that stop?
Today was a washout. I think it only stopped raining briefly for that fox to come and have a dump dead centre in my garden. Im convinced that him and his mates have a contest to see who can get it right in the middle. If you look closely, you can see that they are wearing blindfolds and can hear the other foxes jeering him on. I think i will cover the grass in chilli powder and see how much pooing is done.
Not really having much to do on a bank holiday meant that there isn't much material for this blog which is a shame. As always I made a nuisance of myself in odd ways. I threw myself downstairs several times and after each tumble, I pressed my ears against the wall to hear if the neighbours were concerned for my well being. They were not. Evil bastards. After the third fall, I could have sworn I heard the lady next door say, "I hope he severs an artery next time!" Popping my shoulder back into its socket (a la Riggs), I sat next to the wife who was watching some benile program about the practical uses of cheese.
I huffed liked a bored school boy until Koulla suggested that we kill time with afternoon coitus. I told her that I would rather eat crisps. She asked what flavour and I replied, "ready salted". She hasn't spoken to me since. Apparently that was the worst insult to make. I made a mental note to say frazzles next time.
Back to work tomorrow. But more importantly, the parents get home from their extended super-bastard holiday. I've missed them but for the sake of mirth, when I see them, I will stare at them both disgustedly as if they had just killed a bunch of kittens. I hope they brought me something back. Some beef jerky maybe. Here's hoping.
Monday, 26 May 2008
25th May
There I've said it. I first saw this guy on stage in Cinderella in Wimbledon theatre many years ago. I hated him then and I hate him now. Despite this, it seems that a reader is a fan and deserves a mention. Why?! Why?!
Today was my nephews birthday. As koulla and I rushed around a shop to buy him a suitable present, I got side tracked playing with toys. There was an Optimus prime voice changing helmet which looked awesome. I donned then head piece and ran around Woolworths scaring children by shouting "Prime says smoke cigarettes, you little shit!", in an autobot voice. This was stopped when security threw me out. Koulla pretended not to know me as I picked myself up off the floor from the street and dusted myself down.
I saw a bargain in one of the shops where 1 pound (sterling) will get you 6 cans of pepsi max! i texted Andy to let him know. No sooner had a I texted that I felt like an old lady calling her grandson to tell him how cheap tomato soup was! Andy didn't reply. He probably thinks I'm mocking his addiction!
As we drove to my brothers, I switched off my sat nav and followed the smell of cooking carcass to the house. It was like in starwars when 'Ol Ben tells Luke to switch off the computer and shoot manually. There are differences, granted, but not many. Food was plentiful and I only stopped eating to assemble the birthday present for the birthday boy. It was a killer awesome track type car thing. I thought about taking the present back, citing health reasons and playing at home, but Koulla wouldn't let me. I settled for stealing some colouring in pens.
During the intense calorie intake, my cousin Andoni turned up. You remember him, he let me down by not visiting me (see previous entries). He turned up dressed like an extra for High School Musical. He babbled about his course work and exams and whatnot. I'm proud of him for finishing his work and all that but when I look at him, all I can think about is the kid who was scared of an episode of home and away. You know, the one with the shark!
Super Barrowman fan and her sister were there. Between the both of them, there is enough colourings in their hair to make a carton of sunny delight! The red headed one looked like the aftermath of a sanitary towel disaster!
Tommorow is bank holiday Monday. Lord knows what we will do to entertain ourselves. No doubt they will be detailed here. On that note, I better chuck the rubbish out. A crap job at 2:30 in the morning.
Saturday, 24 May 2008
24th May
All you need to know is that yesterday, I finished my course and said goodbye to Igor and the gang. Kyp and celebrated by mooning innocents whilst driving on the M25. Do you remember what you were doing when you first found out that the M25 was a big circle of a road? I do. It was a revelation. It was like the scene in Ghost when Sam Wheat (played by Patrick Swaze) realises that his buddy arranged for him to be killed. I cried a little with this realisation (about the round M25 thing). To my knowledge, Patrick Swaze is still alive.
Today was an altogether different sort of day. For a start, I slept an inordinate amount of time. I think I deserved it what with all the sleep I lost during this week. I celebrated with a slice of toast. Koulla berated me for not making her a slice. Out of guilt, I rubbed my slice all over her face until the marmite made her eyes swell up and sting. She obviously hates marmite.
Frosty has been behaving most strangely. She didnt fancy leaving her cage at all today. Koulla suggested that it was because Frosty was on the blob. I pictured Frosty excessively moaning about her life and getting me to rub her back. Lets hope she doesn't shrink my favourite pants in the wash by accident.
I chucked a whole heap of stuff today with what is becoming a regular visit to the charity shop. As I handed over the sack to the nice lady, I noticed one of my favourite comfy tee-shirts was in the bag. I took revenge by writing profanities on all of Koullas favourite dvds in permanent marker. For exmaple "50 first dates" now declares the following: "50 first c**nts".
Here are a selection of others I edited:
Failure to Spaz
Munge in law
Love Spactually
The family bone
The sound of munge buskets
Knobbing Hill
Woman on top (I wish)
and my favourite:
Somthings gotta give (me head)
Some people would say that what I do is tantamount to bullying. Others would say it isnt. I have not taken a survey on the matter.
Friday, 23 May 2008
22nd May
Driving to our course, I nearly had a car accident with Volvo which had some sort of ancient relic at the wheel. I let loose with a torrent of abuse as he nearly drove into the side of me without seeing me. It made me think how tenuous our existence on this planet was.... It then made me think that I really wanted a bacon and egg McMuffin. nom nom.
Igor wasn't saying much in the course. This bothered me. I made a promise to find out what his surname was on the course register. Later that day, I had a look and it said "Silch". I was disappointed.
There are two swedish guys on the course and one decided to pipe up and ask a question today. He opened his trap and I nearly exploded with laughter (again). He sounded like the chef from the muppet show that had just smoked some weed! I hid my face so they wouldn't see me laughing. I must be some sort of Xenophobe to find such things so funny.
Tomorrow is the last day f the course. The trainer promised us that he would by us some ice cream from the van at lunch time. When he told us that he would get our preference tomorrow before he bought the treat, Kyp and I both shouted, "SCREWBALL!". Half the attendees didn't know what a screwball was. The other half thought we were juvenile. We planned to kill that half when they least expected it.
On the way home, i noticed thatthe chelsea faithful were still trawling the streets in a daze of misery. I basked in their pain and then called my dad in Cyprus to gloat at him. He threatened to hurt me down the phone. I wished him happy birthday then had my dinner....
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
21st May
After we were all celebrated out, my three brothers decided to head back to their homes. We had an emotional group hug. We realised that we had all followed United through our whole lives together and felt a bond like there should be between all siblings.... Koulla looked up from her heat magazine and muttered, "gay" and returned to her publication. Our moment was crushed.
I'm in a good mood. Tomorrow I will blow kisses at Igor and see if he reciprocates.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
20th May
I fell asleep in the course today so i'm going to bed early. As I slept, I dreamt that Igor was feeding me chicken wings and plucking my eyebrows. I awoke to see him sat opposite, buried in his course notes. I fear him. This course cannot end quick enough.
United's big day tomorrow. We better get back in time from my course or I will declare war on Burma. Get at them when they are at their weakest is what I say... Cech is on tv talking about how great Chelsea are. If I ever have a run in with him, I know I have to aim my punches at his head. Theres got to be a few decent crumple zones within that padding of his.
Going bed now. These bags under my eyes are becoming offensive.
Monday, 19 May 2008
19th May
The course has been good so far. The best bit is when we were introducing ourselves to the other course attendees. The guy say opposite looked like an eastern european brick so it was no surprise when he said he was Slovenia. A little later, the trainer was talking to him and called him Igor! I burst out laughing and everyone looked at me. He reproached me with the following:
Igor: Vat ees iit and you laughings?
Me: I... er... nothing. It's just that its funny!
Igor: Vat is?
Me: Well you! You look like Draculas servant and your name is Igor!
Igor: I'm not undertandinks!
Me: Oh never mind. I'm sorry. Oh look! A virgin with a fat neck!
The above dialogue is not verbatim. Some words probably were not said. Regardless, I pictured Igor running count Draculas bath and testing the temperature with his fat elbows. I returned to vlan configurations and some advanced spanning tree.
After the course, Kyp and I had to do some work in west London. That passed without any excitement although I did force open the main locked gate to the site much to the anger of the security dude there. I told him that my strength could not be contained by mere steel. He threatened to call the police so we drove off.
No sooner did i step through the doorway of my house did my mobile ring and here I am sat. Still working waiting for this call. I think im making progress and maybe the customer will let me go to sleep. If I do sleep, I shall dream of fucking hammer headed sharks.
18th May
Got a week long course starting from tomorrow. At 1pm tomorrow I intend to stand up in class and shout: "Stick your stupid information. I'm beyond all that shit!" and then storm out.
A stunt like that would have earned me a grounding from my parents, back in the day. I'm glad they are not in the country. Their discipline was harsher than a scar on Carlos Tevez's neck.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
17th May
After our feast I took Koulla to get some stuff done in town. Not wanting to hang around as she fingered and prodded a bunch of dresses/jeans/boots I went to get my car washed at the Albanians.
"You want big wash? Seven pounds! Small wash, four pounds!"
I paid for the 7 pound wash. There was about 6 burly square jawed car washers. They could have smeared shit and pickles into my windshield and I wouldn't have complained. My car looks the same as before I took it for a wash.
Zack came round and we settled down for some multi player Mario kart. Not much has changed in 17 years; we still huddle around and play games. Back then it was because chicks wouldn't sit on our laps and we had a whole heap of energy to expend. Now we play games as the alternative is stabbing people outside pubs. I russled up a bunch of hotdogs with the rolls that K brought home. I'm definately not going to be winning any healthy eating awards today, especially since I put a couple of spoonfuls of mayonaise in my Robinsons fruit drink!
After picking up Andy we headed to Johns party. Due to the weather there was nothing cooking but there was a whole heap of alcohol stacked on a table next to some post-washed socks. There was no musical chairs going on which seemed a shame. Its the sort of sport which I excel at. I pictured a panini sticker album dedicated to musical chairs and pass the parcel. I need to patent that idea.
I thought it would be funny to put a dirty dvd on Johns big flat screen for people to wander in and look at, so I popped one into the player, hit play and left the room on the menu screen. 20 mins later, I regaled party goers with what I did with much hilarity. I told John what was on his LCD when he informed me that it wasn't an LCD but a plasma screen. Panic hit me. Dashing back to the bedroom, I quickly switched off the DVD player. Too late. The screen had already ghosted. In big letters, the large (and I imagine expensive) plasma tv declared the following:
"Mr Mistress - A real pain in the arse"
You could even make out the silhouette of a penis etched on the screen and in my memory. I grabbed the others and insisted that we leave. This was a shame as we were about to play "pin the tail on the donkey".
Tomorrow we have another do to go to. I vowed not to mess with the tv or any optical wizardry for that matter. I may steal stuff if there is anything worth taking.
Saturday, 17 May 2008
16th May
The afternoon had me partaking in a rather long conference call with about 10 other people. I kept pretty silent throughout except when Ade made a geek joke about a type of fibre connection which is for large disatances. He called it the "intergalatic" link. All the participants on the conference call laughed except Sophie. Miserable cow.
Today was my nieces birthday so we all paid her a visit at my brothers house who kindly cooked for us. It was all going well until my sis in law smashed a glass all over the kitchen. I didn't know she was a Rangers fan. Thank god the tv was working, she might have rampaged through the house if it had packed up. My brother, Mike has been growing a beard for a while now and its starting to look really stupid. He looks a little like uncle Albert from "Only fools and horses". We annoyed him by singing the song by Paul McCartney titled; "I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert" (available on iTunes). We continued this until he cried a little. My mum will go nuts when she sees his beard. She hates them. I think it's something to do with the velcro effect. I've never investigated this aversion of hers.
We waited for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up on the Jonathan Ross show. Koulla was so tired that she fell asleep in my arms. I waited for her to be in a proper deep slumber. when I was sure that she would not wake up, I rifled through her purse and took the following:
£4 in change
3 polos
2 first class stamps
a knuckle duster.
I call this husband tax. I believe I'm allowed to do this as it has been law since Edward the 1st said it was ok. To be honest, I think I deserve it seeing as she has crushed my soul and ruined my life. Tomorrow I may make her breakfast in bed.
Tomorrow should be good. Andy, Zack and I are going to a pseudo bar-b-q type party. I might go in my spiderman outfit and rabbit punch anyone who does not call me "Spidey". I will get to see Andys Chameleon. I hope it doesn't turn pink when I hold it. My secret might be out. If it does, I will kill all witnesses. It's the only way to be sure.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
15th May
My working morning was interrupted by Graham who threw a bunch of unsavoury hypothetical questions at me. Most are unrepeatable especially in a blog of high repute like this one. One of my brothers called me earlier to suggest that my blog was getting crass. If you are reading, dear brother, skip a couple of paragraphs to get to the poo story.
For those who are still with us, I went at lunch time to get a hair cut at my regular spot. Getting a hair cut bothers me. I very rarely look after my hair and I only go because my sideburns start to curl around my ears and rare birds nest within its foilage. I think the sooner my hair falls out the better. I rekon I will be a hot baldy like Pickard from star trek. When I am bald, I'm going to get a big tatoo on my dome professing the following: "THIS WAY FOR OSAMA!" with an arrow pointing ahead. That way, if anyone annoys me, all I have to do is remove my hat/wig and look at them for a bit. After a while, there should be a good bit of carpet bombing. A flawless plan.
As my hair was getting cut, it got to that point where loose hair is brushed off. Why do barbers allow their horse hair brushes to get wet? Insteaed of gently removing fine hair, it feels like the back of my neck is being rubbed by sandpaper! As a result, Instead of tipping my barber, I punched her in the kidney as hard as I could. That's how I roll!
Back home and hard at work, I needed the loo. As I sat there reading, the mobile rang. I answered. It was Mark Honky Tonk from the office. He was mortified that I answered the phone whilst on the toilet. He said it was really rude. I told him that I thought it was rude of me not to answer! He wanted me to go to Paris to do a job. The irony of being sat on the bog and talking about the French was not lost on me.
Remeber I told you, cherished readers, that my cousin Donnie was due to stay over? well he called to cancel on me. Some rubbish about having studies. My cousin has enough stories to fill a life time of blogs so I think I will save some of those stories for when I have nothing else to talk about. Anyway, as I was talking to my cousin on the phone, My Ronaldo loving budgie starting whistling whilst sat on my shoulder. Slightly annoyed, I shouted at him/her and like a dysfunctional prison inmate, he/she bit my lip! Not just a little peck either! It was a full on grab that broke the skin! My vengence will be pretty horrific. Once he/she is sleeping, I plan to file its beak away with K's nail file. Lets see him/her function correctly after that!
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
14th May
Ade and I walked to the shop to get some snacks. There was a big guy in front of us walking the tiniest of dogs. The little dog was running to keep up with his/her owner. it accidentally got its legs all tangled up in the leads and started mentalising all over the pavement. The owner didn't notice the plight his pet was going through and proceeded to drag the poor dog down the street. The dog finally sorted itself and carried on as if nothing happened. If it could have spoken, it would have declared "That was nearly the end of me, man!". The dog was quite clearly a Nam veteran in my mind.
When I got home, Koulla told me that she was in the Garden today and noticed a mid sized pile of excrement on the grass. She didn't think it was a fox. I got defensive and said the following:
"What? You think its me taking a dump on the grass? You can't pin nuffink on me!". She reassured me that she didn't think I was doing it and that she thought it was a cat. Later that evening, the auto sensor light flicked on and upon investigation, I saw a fox squating right dead centre on the lawn. Before it could steam one out, I knocked on the window and startled it into the next garden. If I had been the fox, there would have been no way I could have shifted so quick without finishing the job. I would have been a rubbish fox.
Later that night apprentice was on. There was some sort of wedding theme to it, this week. I could feel K figiting next to me. "If you are restless, get up and make us a tea", says I as I tapped away on my DS. I could see what was coming up. She started talking about renewing our vows on our tenth wedding anniversary. I told her that I would be surprised if we made 5 years let alone 10. I could hear her crying as she made tea in the kitchen. I felt bad so I made an effort to sing show tunes when she sat back down. Women are so sensitive. Especially when you attach electrodes to their toes while they are sleeping!
Tomorrow should be good. My little cousin Donnie is staying over. Hes always a golden source of stories that I can put in my blog. Let's all pray that he does not let us down.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
13th May
Mike is back! I shall elaborate. Mike is a colleague who was out of commision for a bit after having an accident whilst cycling in Swindon. He was pretty mashed up so it was good to see him again. He says that he toppled off his bike and scraped along the floor but his stories is riddled with inconsistencies:
I know that Mike is a flagrant communist. I envisage him getting his injuries whilst trying to slip RAF type plans to little Russian fellas. I'm onto him, though. NOT ON MY WATCH, NANCY BOY!!!!! I particularly like the scar near his groin.
Lunch time saw me buy a greek salad. As i paid for it the shop keeper shook his head in disgust and said I was pandering to the stereo type. I silently opened my salad container and threw the green peppers in his face. "I FUCKING HATE PEPPERS!". I left the shop after throwing a copy of heat magazine to the floor. A lady with a dog stood in the doorway looking shocked.
Driving home my mobile rang. It was Koulla asking me if I wanted some of her specially concocted soups for dinner. I agreed seeing as I still had the throat thing. I had a vision of her making the soup from Star wars that Lukes aunt makes. I swore a promise that if the soup was blue i would force a little bit of vomit onto her feet. As it turned out, the soup contained chicken, rice and some celery. I kept my fluids within me.
The after dinner conversation inadvertantly moved onto the forthcoming sex and the city movie. K thinks I should watch it with her and in return she will watch Indiana Jones and the last hip replacement, with me. I put my foot down. If she forced me to see that movie, I would throw a random punch everytime I saw that one whose face looks like a foot. When K tried to reason with me I crossed my arms and shouted "BLAH BLAH BLAH". Thats when she calmly let me know that she put laxative in my soup. I panicked a little. She told me that I should count myself lucky as she'd run out of Hemlock and there was none at the co-op. I told her that she would be better off checking the tesco express. They got everything.
Enough for now. Lets hope this toilet visit doesnt have traces of blood like the last batch.
Monday, 12 May 2008
12th May
Ok its not that exciting but I like doing jobs in the city. After getting on the tube, comfortable in the knowledge that I couldnt smell ciapatti flour and explosives anywhere in the carriage I settled down to read an racy issue of the metro. At Kennington, an old dude got on looking really uncomfortable. I thought about being different and letting him sit on my lap. Just as I was about to pipe up and say "'ere guv, you can sit on me lap if you wants!", another guy let him sit down in his seat. I felt guilty. I fell asleep until i got to my stop.
Walking through that horrendous 60's mess of the Barbican, I noticed there were lots of toddlers around. As I walked down a raised walkway, a little girl dressed in a balerina outfit ran in my direction shouting "IN MY WAY!". I smiled sweetly at her pram pushing mother. She smiled back. I wondered if she would smile if I drop kicked the child into the water below. Now theres a thought crime if ever i've expressed one!
The customer and I had lunch in Bonhill graveyard. When he suggested this I thought he was going to murder me but when we got there, I saw how popular a place it was for the local workers. I dropped a bit of tomato from my greek salad on a tombstone for Edith, beloved Wife aged 76.
After another days successful work, I headed home.I called Koulla who asked me to pick up some Dolmio sauce. I hate pasta so she always makes ricey bolognese for me. In the co-op, I saw the product she needed and wondered if those joke cans that shoot fake snakes out still existed. I asked at the counter. I got no answer. I tried the Spar and local shop. Nothing. I resigned myself to buying a standard jar of dolmio sauce. I got home and waited for her to open the Jar. When the seal popped, I hissed as loud as I could. Not even a reaction. I'm a shit husband.
I have to chuck the rubbish out, now. It's the highlight of my week. Organising the recycle bins is like an episode of krypton factor. last week, the bin men kindly left me a score sheet with marks out of ten for my recycling skills. I got a 7 with a little star for good effort. I really want to beat last weeks score.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
11th May
But before we get to the football, lets talk about my transexual pet budgie Frosty. He/she is following me around the house. It keeps dive bombing me whilst I'm sat at my computer and when im covering pringles in a thin layer of cellotape. I think it's been hypnotised into believing that its a japanese suicide bomber. Kamekaze I think they are called. I picture him while im at work, putting a bandana on and making budhist prayers whilst staring at crude drawings of the Enterprise and Nimitz. I confronted Koulla about her recent hypnosis lessons. She denied it and then made me eat an onion.
So the grass needed cutting again. So I cut it again. I thought about hiring a sheep and letting it eat through the grass. Theres a niche, I think. You cannot rent any sheep on the yellow pages! maybe you can teach one to use a hedge trimmer too.
So the football started and it was all nerves. I think I have angina. I had crushing chest pains throughout the match. Turned out that my brother had secretly thumping me in the ribs everytime Heskey jumped for a header. We decided to call my Dad abroad to brag about victory. He was a good sport about it all but said that when he returned, he was going to give me a thrashing of my life. As always, my mother will pretend that all was normal.
With victory, we all decided to celebrate with a visit to Nandos. When people say Nandos to me, I'm reminded of the childrens charity; Barnardos. I thought about all the abused children choosing from a variety of spicy sauces before they are rehoused with bitter foster parents.
In Nandos, my nephew thought it would be funny to scream as loud as he could. He did and all the other patrons in the restaurant thought it was sweet with looks of "aww isnt he cute". Deep down I bet they were all just choking on their nandos olives and nuts. Aw we were leaving, the Polish waiter said something along the lines of "Ah there goes the new Pavaroti!".
I nearly replied with; "Dude! Are you even allowed to work in here?"
As it turned out, I said "yes isn't he great? Thanks for the great service!" I'm such a tool. I die a little inside when i say stuff like that.
Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no meetings as I am becoming a liability to the company. Tomorrow I will install stuff dressed as a Clown and talking in Hebrew. If that doesn't fuck the customer off then nothing will.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
10th May
With the passing of delusions of nobility I set about the days tasks. Some of the in-laws were around later. I wanted them to feel suitably at home. The faeces idea momentarily flashed across my noggin and was then replaced with gardening stuff. There were two sacks of grass/waste that needed taking to the local tip. I thought of all the sexy types that go the tip on a saturday. I put a tie on.
They've erected an automated barrier at the tip! What for? Are they worried Al Qaeda might try and blow up the timber/wood skip? maybe they might tunnel an entrance to the Bora Bora complex from there! The security waste administrator eyed me suspiciously. For a second I thought he was going to frisk me but then waved me through with a look on his face that said "I'm watching you, you dirty filfthy terrorist!". I removed my turban and fake beard to make him feel at ease.
The next stop was the charity shop. I needed to get rid of a bunch of clothes including a sweet white suit from my pimp days. I thought about mildred at number 72 buying it for some reason. It made me smile. There was a sign on the door saying that they could not accept toys! There was no barrier to enforce this law, I noted. I put my turban and beard back on and sauntered in looking as suspicious as possible.... I left a few minutes later with a copy of castaway staring Tom Hanks for £2.50. I felt like this was turning out to be the best day of my life!
I got a text from my mate fatbaldgay Mike. He wanted to play some games later that evening. I said I would be up for it. This had built me up for a crushing disappointment a little later when cancelled on me. Not even Castaway (starring John Hanks) made me feel better. I wondered what was in that box that he didnt open whilst stuck on the island. It could have been a castaway rescue and survival kit! I prefered Big (starring Tom Hanks). I think theres a Zoltar machine at the co-op at the end of my road.
Tomorrow is a big day. Some of my brothers are coming over to watch the football. I'm going to replace some of the monster munch with asbestos equivalents. It will be fun just like when we were young....
Friday, 9 May 2008
9th May
I was delighted..... until i checked my concise english-waspese dictionary where I saw that the insect had actually said "'bout time, bastard!"... I think im more of a Bee man anyway.
It was a busy day. So much so that when I went to buy a sausage roll off the shop keeper, I didnt engage him (Olaf I think his name is) at the usual banter. I only stopped working to inspect the locusts Andy had ordered to feed his Chameleon. I asked him if he thought we should put his lizard with my budgie for a few days and see if they procreate. He said no. I hope I haven't pushed the boundaries of friendship with that request. I feel like i've asked him to share my bed.
My afternoon meeting was chaos. There were two highlights listed below:
1) The wink given to me by Ade when we heard that we would have to go to Amsterdam for some work soon. I think he was suggesting (by winking at me) that we could get some nice tulips while we were out there. I personally felt that it was a god given reason for a fuckfest. It's funny how people think differently.
2) Our supplier techie guy sat next to me. I noticed that he wore special orthapaedic shoes. I felt sorry for him. I was tempted to ask him what it was like to be special but I didn't.
A special mention should be made for Don whose last day it was today. With him leaving, I no longer have an excuse to talk patois in the office. From here on in (should there be hyphens in that?) if I do talk jive, I might get accused of rascism!
After going grocery shopping, The wife and I decided to eat out in the garden. I opened the back door but we ended up eating in from of the telly. I suggested that rather than eating "al fresco" we should call it "al fuckso". Koulla didn't laugh. Tonight I will wait til shes asleep and write "SPANG" in big letters on her forehead in nail varnish. I hope she finds that funny....
Thursday, 8 May 2008
8th May
"If i cut your big toes off you wont be able to!"
but im pretty sure i said:
"Why not. Its nice out".
After she had left, Frosty (our gender confused budgie), starting tweeting so that i couldn't get back to sleep. I thought about erecting a Fritzel style basement for him/her.
Driving to my job, I had to traverse some obscure A road near Reading. It stank of farm shit. As if incriminating them, there was horse poo all over the road that had been squashed by cars. I noticed that the gaps between the poo splurges were equi-distant! The road was about 8 miles long and the horse poo would not let up! I half expected to see a really thin, gaunt, pooless horse at the end! There wasn't. There was an old man with hiking boots and red socks. He looked like he hadn't pooed in ages!
I had a meeting with the customer outdoors in the sun. He wasn't twitching at all so I didn't bother challenging him to a fight. I nearly burnt the poor bastard when I spilt my tea on the table and got all his diagrams wet. I covered my embarrasment well with a joke or two about having parkinsons. I thought about looking mean and saying:
"Pay up in time or theres more than a burning for you!"
But i didn't.
Peter and Jordan is on TV later on. I've decided to eat my own sock rather than the fish dinner thats being cooked right now. I doubt if K will notice. She will be too fixated on Jordans munge buskets!
Tomorrow is office time for me. I think I have another meeting to preside over. I feel like Bobby Ewing. I might stand up during the meeting and shout "OI Pam! shut it and sit on JRs lap!"
I might not. I will let you know if i do...
7th May
Thought about licking Koulla's cheek whilst she slept so she could smell my morning breath when she woke up but thought better of it.
After a rubbish 3 hour drive, I met Sophie and Dee at the reception of the days job. I pretended to be stuck in the revolving door but the recepionist didn't laugh. I told her I was joking but she just frowned. I made a mental note to lick my security pass before giving it back to her at the end of the day.
In the meeting, I made a joke about restricted downloads, suggesting that the customer downloaded porn during working hours. Sophie laughed. Her mouth opened so wide I contemplated jamming my fist in there to see if it would fit. I didn't. Customers get funny about things like that.
Dee was wearing a striped colourful shirt. I stared at it for a while and thought I saw a magic eye image. The customer saw I was staring at Dees chest. I think they may complain about me to the bosses. I was too tired to care about the meeting.
Koulla and I visited my brother. I forgot to lend him my Wii games. I was annoyed that my nephew was already sleeping when i got there. I thought about waking him by squeezing his nostrils shut but dont think thats approved of. I really want to teach him to swear like a grown up and angry man. Again, this is probably wrong.
Went home and watched apprentice. The boss/bro called to inform me of a job change for the next day. I'm betting that the customer I meet tomorrow has a nervous twitch. If he does, I may fight him....