10th May

What is about hot saturdays that make you feel guilty if you don't do something productive? When I woke, my first thought was to spend the day half naked rubbing faeces into the walls and curtains. I then realised that such behaviour is barbaric and I put the kettle on instead. As I sat there, in front of the tv, with my tea, in pants and nought else on, I realised that if I had a monacle I could quite possibly be mistaken for an earl!

With the passing of delusions of nobility I set about the days tasks. Some of the in-laws were around later. I wanted them to feel suitably at home. The faeces idea momentarily flashed across my noggin and was then replaced with gardening stuff. There were two sacks of grass/waste that needed taking to the local tip. I thought of all the sexy types that go the tip on a saturday. I put a tie on.

They've erected an automated barrier at the tip! What for? Are they worried Al Qaeda might try and blow up the timber/wood skip? maybe they might tunnel an entrance to the Bora Bora complex from there! The security waste administrator eyed me suspiciously. For a second I thought he was going to frisk me but then waved me through with a look on his face that said "I'm watching you, you dirty filfthy terrorist!". I removed my turban and fake beard to make him feel at ease.

The next stop was the charity shop. I needed to get rid of a bunch of clothes including a sweet white suit from my pimp days. I thought about mildred at number 72 buying it for some reason. It made me smile. There was a sign on the door saying that they could not accept toys! There was no barrier to enforce this law, I noted. I put my turban and beard back on and sauntered in looking as suspicious as possible.... I left a few minutes later with a copy of castaway staring Tom Hanks for £2.50. I felt like this was turning out to be the best day of my life!

I got a text from my mate fatbaldgay Mike. He wanted to play some games later that evening. I said I would be up for it. This had built me up for a crushing disappointment a little later when cancelled on me. Not even Castaway (starring John Hanks) made me feel better. I wondered what was in that box that he didnt open whilst stuck on the island. It could have been a castaway rescue and survival kit! I prefered Big (starring Tom Hanks). I think theres a Zoltar machine at the co-op at the end of my road.

Tomorrow is a big day. Some of my brothers are coming over to watch the football. I'm going to replace some of the monster munch with asbestos equivalents. It will be fun just like when we were young....