17th May

Woke up with a splitting pain in my right eye. I'd slept on it through the night and it throbbed mightily. I thought about wearing an eye patch for the day. Maybe then I would get the respect I deserved. The pain soon passed and I celebrated by making bacon and egg rolls for myself and Koulla. We sat there nom nomming whilst watching saturday morning chef programs. I wish I could cook like a pro. It alwasy irritates me seeing chefs handle cooked food with their grubby fingers just prior to serving it. Why don't they just inject the patrons with Tuberculosis and be done with it.

After our feast I took Koulla to get some stuff done in town. Not wanting to hang around as she fingered and prodded a bunch of dresses/jeans/boots I went to get my car washed at the Albanians.
"You want big wash? Seven pounds! Small wash, four pounds!"
I paid for the 7 pound wash. There was about 6 burly square jawed car washers. They could have smeared shit and pickles into my windshield and I wouldn't have complained. My car looks the same as before I took it for a wash.

Zack came round and we settled down for some multi player Mario kart. Not much has changed in 17 years; we still huddle around and play games. Back then it was because chicks wouldn't sit on our laps and we had a whole heap of energy to expend. Now we play games as the alternative is stabbing people outside pubs. I russled up a bunch of hotdogs with the rolls that K brought home. I'm definately not going to be winning any healthy eating awards today, especially since I put a couple of spoonfuls of mayonaise in my Robinsons fruit drink!

After picking up Andy we headed to Johns party. Due to the weather there was nothing cooking but there was a whole heap of alcohol stacked on a table next to some post-washed socks. There was no musical chairs going on which seemed a shame. Its the sort of sport which I excel at. I pictured a panini sticker album dedicated to musical chairs and pass the parcel. I need to patent that idea.

I thought it would be funny to put a dirty dvd on Johns big flat screen for people to wander in and look at, so I popped one into the player, hit play and left the room on the menu screen. 20 mins later, I regaled party goers with what I did with much hilarity. I told John what was on his LCD when he informed me that it wasn't an LCD but a plasma screen. Panic hit me. Dashing back to the bedroom, I quickly switched off the DVD player. Too late. The screen had already ghosted. In big letters, the large (and I imagine expensive) plasma tv declared the following:

"Mr Mistress - A real pain in the arse"

You could even make out the silhouette of a penis etched on the screen and in my memory. I grabbed the others and insisted that we leave. This was a shame as we were about to play "pin the tail on the donkey".

Tomorrow we have another do to go to. I vowed not to mess with the tv or any optical wizardry for that matter. I may steal stuff if there is anything worth taking.