15th May

There are some benefits to my job. One of them is being allowed to work from home in my pants. I do this with gusto. I find that my efficiency as a worker improves 200% when I'm wearing very little. This is where the North Koreans are going wrong. If they let their workers strip off a little bit, they'd get that rice grown no problem. None of this famine bother.

My working morning was interrupted by Graham who threw a bunch of unsavoury hypothetical questions at me. Most are unrepeatable especially in a blog of high repute like this one. One of my brothers called me earlier to suggest that my blog was getting crass. If you are reading, dear brother, skip a couple of paragraphs to get to the poo story.

For those who are still with us, I went at lunch time to get a hair cut at my regular spot. Getting a hair cut bothers me. I very rarely look after my hair and I only go because my sideburns start to curl around my ears and rare birds nest within its foilage. I think the sooner my hair falls out the better. I rekon I will be a hot baldy like Pickard from star trek. When I am bald, I'm going to get a big tatoo on my dome professing the following: "THIS WAY FOR OSAMA!" with an arrow pointing ahead. That way, if anyone annoys me, all I have to do is remove my hat/wig and look at them for a bit. After a while, there should be a good bit of carpet bombing. A flawless plan.

As my hair was getting cut, it got to that point where loose hair is brushed off. Why do barbers allow their horse hair brushes to get wet? Insteaed of gently removing fine hair, it feels like the back of my neck is being rubbed by sandpaper! As a result, Instead of tipping my barber, I punched her in the kidney as hard as I could. That's how I roll!

Back home and hard at work, I needed the loo. As I sat there reading, the mobile rang. I answered. It was Mark Honky Tonk from the office. He was mortified that I answered the phone whilst on the toilet. He said it was really rude. I told him that I thought it was rude of me not to answer! He wanted me to go to Paris to do a job. The irony of being sat on the bog and talking about the French was not lost on me.

Remeber I told you, cherished readers, that my cousin Donnie was due to stay over? well he called to cancel on me. Some rubbish about having studies. My cousin has enough stories to fill a life time of blogs so I think I will save some of those stories for when I have nothing else to talk about. Anyway, as I was talking to my cousin on the phone, My Ronaldo loving budgie starting whistling whilst sat on my shoulder. Slightly annoyed, I shouted at him/her and like a dysfunctional prison inmate, he/she bit my lip! Not just a little peck either! It was a full on grab that broke the skin! My vengence will be pretty horrific. Once he/she is sleeping, I plan to file its beak away with K's nail file. Lets see him/her function correctly after that!