27th May

I needed tyres, today. In fact, i'm pretty sure I needed them for a while. I had noticed a bumpety bump bump as I had been driving for a few weeks now. I thought it was a small dogs skull under one of the wheels but upon inspection, it became apparent that my car was a health hazard. Tyres are never cheap and today was no exception. When I was told the price to have them all changed I did the following:


1) Grabbed the Kwik Fit by his stupid face and demanded to see the manager.
2) Released the managers face and agreed to pay the requested price to avoid further problems.
3) Stole a pen from their front desk.

To my dismay, my car did not move any faster with the new tyres. I had a similar problem when I was younger when mum bought me new trainers. I common myth.

So the parents are back and I saw fit to pay them a visit. Dad has let his hair grow and with his silly old mans tan, he looks like a ninja monk from a bad movie. I made a note to test his ninja skills when he least expected it. Mum told me about the exciting things she got up to. After a few words I went blank and nodded my head until she stopped talking. She realised I wasn't listening and made me do lines.

After a nail biting apprentice which made me so nervous I bled internally, we went home. Koulla triumphantly led me to the toilet to show me the magazine basket she got. Mortified I leafed through the glossy abortions looking for something that I could read whilst wan- toiletising. Not a single marvel comic/history mag/booklet on post natal depression. Rather than cause a fuss, I picked up a copy of heat and frantically looked for flesh. Not one side boob. I am defeated.

Koulla has started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" to almost every question I ask her. She says that it is honour of the forthcoming Sex and the city movie. After the 3rd time of saying it, she passed out cold on the floor. Odd. I never expected that jamming a pair of socks in her mouth would have that effect. She seems ok. She says she is learning things everyday. I will test her accordingly.

Tomorrow I am going Exeter with Sinisa and Ade. We excitedly discussed what mischief we will get up to. I just know we will end up eating in a restaurant and attacking students. We are such squares.